Why Dating Is So Fun for Some and So Hard for Others

For many of us, dating is incredibly challenging and delivers some major sucker-punches to our self esteem on a regular basis. For others, it seems to be a delightful, enjoyable and anticipated pastime that doesn't seem to have any negatives. What's with this vastly varying take on dating? Why is it easier for some than others? What is this latter category of daters' secret?


That secret is confidence and independence... and lots of it.


The act of dating -- of meeting new people and having someone to spend an hour with -- can provide relief from the loneliness that can sneak up on even the most independent of us. However, when we use dating as a cure for loneliness, our interactions with the person we're out with tend to take on much more significance than necessary. This makes the whole process a lot less fun.


When we're not feeling confident, we tend to seek validation from dating: validation of our attractiveness, validation that people like us, and validation that we're not alone. As a result, we tend to place a ton of pressure on ourselves to find-someone-right-now and fill the void. This turns each dating interaction into a pressure-filled pit of anxiety about whether or not they like us, whether or not we like them and, if we do, whether or not this person The-Next-One potential. Plus, regardless of whether we're interested in pursuing something with them, if they're not into us, it can cause some major self-esteem downward spirals. Yikes.


The secret is that those that enjoy dating don't place any weight on their interactions with those they date -- if it's fun, it's fun. If it's not, they don't worry about it. If someone doesn't dig them, it's a non-issue. If they don't dig them, it's no big deal. They accept it and move on, with no lasting blows to their egos. They know that even when they do get lonely, finding relief from randoms in the dating world isn't the way to go. Instead, they seek out quality time with friends, family and/or ferret out new social circles through taking a new class, volunteering or exploring a new hobby. They know that all of these are far better ways to combat loneliness and low self-esteem than seeking a lift from a stranger on a date.


So, the next time a date threatens to throw us into the depths of a self-esteem-trounce-athon, remember that we can choose to let the date throw us off our game and ruin our night, or we can let it go and move on.


Schedule some time with friends that make us laugh. Sign up for a marathon to finally hit those fitness goals we've been thinking about for the last two years. Because when we remember that we're in charge of how we feel and we're in charge of our own lives, happiness, confidence and independence, we're happier people -- who can enjoy dating.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

When Dating Sucks: 5 Ways to Keep It Fun

Dating can be an emotional roller-coaster that takes from nauseating depression to euphoric highs -- all in the span of a few hours -- depending on what's going on. This is exhausting. It's also typically what causes the dating burn-out that makes us want to give up and run a cat-rescue clinic out of our living room. Putting up a wall to protect ourselves from the roller-coaster would be on obvious potential solution, but this up-and-down cycle is also one of the best parts of dating (or at least the euphoric high is), so it would be a shame to cut ourselves off from that all together. Fortunately, we don't have to -- here are five ways to keep the fun and banish the burn-out.

1) Don't take it so seriously. Focus on enjoying the moment, and not on the what-ifs. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if I'm really excited about this person, but they end up sucking? What if they're cool but there's no chemistry between us? What if I say something dumb? What if they don't share my plans for the future? Ahhhhhh! Worrying about these puts enough pressure on every interaction to burn anyone out before they ever even go on a date. When we don't stress, we're much more laid back and fun (and don't reek of desperation), so take a step back, turn off the what-if radio and enjoy the moment.

2) Be honest. When we're honest about what we want, and the person we're on the date with doesn't want that (for example, you don't want kids, but you do want to get married), it never would have worked out with them anyway. It's easy to get bummed out about something fizzling or someone not liking us, but at least if we're honest about what we want in life (and aren't wishy-washy out of fear of alienating a date who may not feel the same way), the information is on the table and we'll rest easier knowing that we stayed true to ourselves.

3) Embrace the bad. When things take a turn for the there's-not-a-shot-in-hell-for-a-second-date, instead of getting bummed, enjoy the date for whatever it's worth: having an interesting conversation, gathering details for your friends about how bad a date can get, or using your date as a mirror and asking them what their perception is of you. Our internal perceptions of ourselves don't always match what we project on the outside, so in a situation where you know it's not going anywhere and therefore the pressure is gone, figure out if there's anything they see about you that doesn't match with how you feel inside. Everyone perceives everyone else through their own personal filter of experiences and neuroses, so take whatever they say with a grain of salt, but it can be a very interesting exercise to see yourself through someone else's eyes.

4) Keep an open mind. A tremendous asset both in our pursuit of a mate and in keeping the process fun, keeping an open mind is a solid way to keep things light, enjoyable and fun. When we date by judging whether or not they have or don't have the must-have or hell-no attributes we've amassed a list of over the past several years, we severely limit our enjoyment of them as a person and the interaction, and also probably reject some people we may have found ourselves compatible with. It's very stressful to try and figure out, over the course of a 30-minute drink, whether or not we see ourselves marrying this person eventually. So, leave the lists at home and enjoy getting to know them -- without thinking about the future at all. Is the conversation fun and easy? Do they make you laugh? Are they fun to flirt with? Our chemistry with someone is ultimately a much more important metric of measuring whether we want a second date than judging them on what they're wearing or what their drink choice supposedly says about them.

5) Focus on you. Do things you want to do and let any worry about "I need to meet someone in the next year so that I can get married and have a baby by 20XX" (or whatever it is that's stressing you out) control your life. Life is not controllable, nor can organic things like developing a relationship be pushed into a timeline. So do the things that make you happy, explore yourself and explore new hobbies to enrich your life and grow as a person. When you're totally happy with yourself and excited about life, it's extremely attractive and you will attract what you want.

As disillusioned as we may become with the perceived dearth of available and compatible-with-us dates, in order to enjoy the dating process, we need to remember why we're doing it to begin with (to meet someone we like), and focus on enjoying the process rather than resenting it. It's exciting to go on a first date with someone new -- the outcome is a complete mystery each and every time: maybe we'll learn something new about ourselves. Maybe they'll introduce us to something new we didn't know we liked. Maybe we'll click with them. Maybe we won't, but they'll end up being a friend. Maybe they'll really dislike us and we'll learn that (for example) although we feel happy inside, we're not showing that outwardly and therefore look depressed and angry when we're not. Maybe the conversation will be fantastic. Maybe the date will be so awkward, it will be funny. These maybes are the fun and exciting part of dating, and as long as we focus on enjoying the unknown them rather than fearing the potential outcomes of the date, we can get all the good and none of the bad in our quest to find our future -- no game playing necessary. 

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, and also on Yahoo! Shine.

The NEWLY Single's Guide to Valentine's Day

For the freshly single, Valentine's Day can sting. A lot. It can seem like every card, advertisement, and plans made by happy, coupled-up friends are designed specifically to Tase our emotionally ravaged feelings and hearts. So, instead of waiting for the inevitable zap, treat this year as an opportunity to recreate V-Day into something you'll not only enjoy, but will look forward to repeating next year.

1) Get out of town. Grab your girlfriends and bail. Plan a yoga or spa weekend. Head to Mexico or Vegas for some girls-only partying, pool-side lounging and Margarita-sipping. Go camping and let nature do its healing thing. Or just plan a whole (non-Valentine's centric) weekend at home with much merry-making, movie-watching and re-organizing of closets, living rooms and kitchens. Removing ourselves from our daily lives (and changing our surroundings) can do wonders for boosting our mood and our spirits, especially on and leading up to a day that can totally blow if we're recently minus a plus one.

2) Volunteer. Just like getting physically out of town helps us recover by releasing us from our memories, volunteering can give us a vacation from the black hole of bummer in our heads. When we focus on others, especially when it's a hands-on helping situation like helping out a soup kitchen or cuddling some needy animals, we lose track of our own worries for a while as we focus on theirs. This has the potential to be incredibly relaxing and a very welcome break at a tough time of year. Plus, we're hopefully making someone else's day better in the process. Win-win.

3) Throw a party. It's almost guaranteed that even some of your coupled-up friends will be happy to skip the traditional dinner/flowers thing and its forced expressions of love. And all your single friends? Who doesn't love somewhere fun to go on a day when it seems like everyone else has plans. So throw a party -- zombie themed, old Halloween costume swap themed or dress up as your favorite color of Jello themed -- and start a new annual tradition of enjoying a very well attended anti-V-Day party.

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be National Single's Awareness Day anymore -- it can be fun, healing and a total blast if we choose to do things that emphasize the awesomeness in our lives and push away the mope. So let's choose fun over bumming and enjoy February in all its winter glory.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, and also on Yahoo! Shine.

4 Alternative (and Awesome) Ideas for National Singles' Awareness Day

Valentine's Day isn't the coupled-up love-fest the media at large and those ever-annoying grocery and drug-store displays would have us believe. As it turns out, there are lots of un-coupled (cool) people out there. A good chunk of said people want to have a good time on Valentine's Day, feeling strongly that just because they're not currently one-half of a couple, they shouldn't be discriminated against and forced to sit at home and mope. Whether we're single, coupled-up and over the schmoop, or just want to have a fun night, here are 4 alterna-V-Day activities for us all.

1) Go out. V-Day is a well-kept secret party night. Populated and thoroughly enjoyed by those who don't partake in the dinner/flowers plan, it's a night where one can count on everyone being happy to be out and enjoying life, and all being much more friendly than usual due to the fact that we're collectively stoked we're not being forced into sulking at home because we had nowhere to go and our lives don't resemble a Happily-Ever-After romance novel or Rom-Com. So, enjoy the enjoyers and have fun.

2) Have a movie night. What makes this an alterna-V-day plan? Make it a horror or action or thriller movie-fest instead of chick flicks. There's nothing quite like watching zombies take over a town to bust us out of our V-Day induced depression.

3) Have a party. Dinner party, theme party, anti-V-Day party, I'm-single-let's-party party, Pajama party -- whatever you choose, make sure to gather all your favorite people, including the coupled-up. Similar to the general happy you'll find bar-hopping, having somewhere to go and fun people to hang with makes for an awesome night.

4) Go out to dinner, but go in a big group so no one feels like an odd-numbered wheel. Make reservations. Dress up. Have lots of group hugs and schmoop as a group. Enjoy the envious looks from the other diners who wish they'd thought of going out with ten of their closest friends.

Let's be honest: moping is no fun. And unfortunately, it's all too easy when mid-February rolls around. So let's not do it. Let's make V-Day 2011 one to remember for today and an annual tradition for next year (and the year after that) by focusing on the fun, on good friends and on the future.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

When the Date Rocked, but the Aftermath Didn't - 5 Tips for Staying Positive When Things Don't Pan Out

We've all been there: The first date was amazing - we connected, we laughed, we tingled in "This might be it" anticipation - and then, for inexplicable reasons, things fizzled. Maybe they didn't call again, maybe there's been no further connection and things aren't progressing like we feel like they should, or maybe we discovered a deal-breaker. Whatever happened, this is a hard, and very discouraging situation to deal with. Dating, for most of us, is a violent series of ups and downs, and when the ups don't keep us up, the resulting downs can really suck.

Here are five tips for keeping our spirits, our energy and our hopes up when dating gets us down:

1) Focus on the positive. Part of the reason dating is so hard is because we tend to place very high expectations on what we want and what we hope for. If instead we focus on enjoying each date for what it is -- a fun (or really bad, and therefore funny-because-it-sucks) night out with someone new -- we can regulate our ups and downs much more effectively. Each new person we interact with teaches us about ourselves, how we're perceived, and what we like and don't like. So instead of getting bummed about something not working out, place the focus on what we liked about that person and in the future, seek out those traits. Were they adventurous? Join a hiking club or a rock climbing gym to meet others like them. Were they relaxed and at peace with life? Start going to yoga classes. Yes, it's a bummer when we thought something was there and then found out it wasn't -- it's very easy to get discouraged. But ultimately, we're in this game to meet someone and getting discouraged doesn't help. So focus on the positive and put the negative in a box, only to be examined in the company of friends during your next group pity party.

2) Take a deep breath. Do yoga. Relax. Meditate. Walk. Run. Join a kickboxing class and bang out your frustrations. Exercise, meditation and focusing inward like we do during yoga all helps to put things in perspective, elevate our mood and relieve stress. These are all positives when our dating lives are annoyingly off-track.

3) Hang out with friends. When we're bummed out, we can have the tendency to hole up on our apartments and hibernate in our self-pity. Don't do this. Call a friend and meet for coffee, a day of thrift shopping, a mini-road trip or happy hour. Talk it out. Laugh about the good dates and the bad. Friends are there to support us and lift us when we're down (just as we're there for them). Use them.

4) Change it up. If things are consistently not going well, it may be time to change up our MO for meeting people. Online dating fan? Take a co-ed class or join a co-ed club, doing something you enjoy -- new friends (or their friends) can equal new dates. Constantly getting set up by friends? Try online dating. The bar scene not panning out like you'd planned? Try online, getting set-up or expanding your activity circle. After all - what have we got to lose? If our current mode of finding dates isn't working, what's the harm in trying something new for a while?

5) Dial Down Your Dating Focus. When we place dating (and finding a new love) at the top of our personal priority list, it's easy to be very (and overly) affected every time something goes well or goes badly. Some people thrive on intense focus, so if that's your thing, rage on. However, if you're finding yourself getting sick on your emotional roller coaster, it's time to back off a bit and insert some other priorities in as well, like doing things that make you happy. After all, when we focus on making ourselves happy (by pursuing hobbies, hanging out with friends and kicking ass at work), we're more confident in ourselves. Confidence is attractive.

As clichéd as it sounds, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. So each time our dating lives kick us down, finding the strength to get back up and carry on -- head held high -- is an immense positive. We learn who we are, what we're capable of (and recovering from) and how we handle ourselves and each time things suck, we get stronger for having had the practice to move forward. Getting through the hard times is what builds our character and makes us great, so even though it's incredibly rough to deal with having yet another great date not pan out, it's vital to remain as positive as possible and move on. And who knows -- the next date may be THE date...

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

3 Tips for Staying Positive When First Dates Go to the Dark Side

Sometimes first dates are amazing. There's amazing chemistry, amazing conversation and we end the date feeling amazingly optimistic about the future. And sometimes? Sometimes first dates get on the high-speed elevator to hell and/or crazy-town and we're left mystified, discouraged, annoyed and sad, which is not only no fun, but can put a serious damper on our enjoyment of the dating life -- and who wants that? Here are three bad-date scenarios and tips to allow us to enjoy these horrid first dates for all they're worth -- the worse the better.

1) Absolutely no chemistry. Sometimes, the spark just isn't there: maybe you don't like the way they smell. Maybe the way they eat grosses you out. Maybe you just learned something that's a deal-breaker and you know there's not a shot in hell of this ever working. To salvage some enjoyment from this date, verbally acknowledge the non-chemistry. Chances are good that if you're not feeling it, neither are they (and if they are feeling it, it's better to let them know now rather than later.) Acknowledgement removes the awkwardness of being on a bad first date, and turns the situation into a much more comfortable setting where the pressure of deciding whether or not you like each other is lifted. Talk about all the bad dates you've both been on and enjoy an hour or two of laughing about how much dating can suck. Who knows -- you might find a new friend.

2) They're completely obnoxious. Perhaps they just spent 45 minutes talking about their recent sexual conquests or maybe all they've done since meeting you is complain about everything, including you. In this situation, you can either sit back and enjoy the hilarity if someone making a complete jerk of themselves, or you can egg them on with some well chosen questions, all in the name of making the date even worse than it already is. Everyone loves a good bad-date story, and if you can push this one into epic-bad-date territory, you'll have cocktail party fodder for the next several years.

3) Things were great until the "But..." In those situations where the date appears to be in the running for Best Date Ever, and then does a 180 when they reveal the "But..." (such as "But, I'm married," "But, I'm starting a ten-year jail sentence next week," or "But, I'm fleeing the country tomorrow because I haven't paid my taxes in 15 years,"), stick around long enough to get the back-story (it's bound to be interesting), and do your best to trade in your disappointment for some real, no-social-filters conversation. Why did they go on a date if they knew they were going to be unavailable? Has it worked in the past? What were/are they looking for? Treat it like an interview and again -- be prepared to gather some major stories to share with your friends at brunch the next day.

First dates are something many of us loathe because it can be so disappointing if they go badly. However, if we can turn our perception of these bad dates into opportunities for fun stories to share with friends for years to come, or the opportunity to make a new friend (instead of finding a new lover), we can find humor, light and fun where there was only dark, heavy disappointment before. And what's the point in dwelling in the latter when every first date (no matter how bad) can potentially be turned into an enjoyable evening?

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

4 Ideas for the Newly Single on Surviving New Year's Eve

Ah, New Year's Eve: A night of pressure to do something cool, pressure to have someone to kiss, and pressure to have a good time. The expectations we place on ourselves to do those three things with gusto often end up making NYE into a stress-bomb of epic proportions. And besides that, what do we do when we're newly single and all we feel like doing is hiding in our apartment with our cat and watching the ball drop on all the crazy people brave enough to hang out in the sub-zero temperature of Times Square? Here are five ideas for making NYE 2010 as low-pressure and as enjoyable as possible when we're fresh out of a breakup.

1) F*** it and stay in. Besides having to listen to all of the "OMG, the party I went to was sooooo awesome. You totally should have come!" comments for the first two weeks of January, ringing in the new year with a close friend or two, the cat, a bottle of champagne (or two) and the flat screen is a perfectly acceptable alternative to the huge and often over-priced parties your other friends are attending. Plus, if you don't feel like going out, you don't have to -- break-ups are tough to begin with, and NYE can be a tough night, regardless of how long it's been since your last relationship (or even if you're in a relationship). So F*** it -- stay in and veto the parties.

2) Have an Anti-NYE Party. Part of what makes NYE stressful is the aforementioned pressure to rage for a night. If that's not you or you just don't feel like it, put the feelers out to see if anyone else is feeling the same way (and there will most certainly be takers.) A low-key get-together with close friends, with no pressure to "party like it's 1999", can be a great alternative to both staying in and ignoring the night and forcing yourself into attending a huge party. Make everyone bring something to drink and something to eat, and there'll be nothing for you to worry about as the host/ess. Bonus: Give it a costume theme like ninjas versus zombies, and you'll be sure to have a good time.

3) If you want to go out, bring single friends. If the gigantic party calls to you but you don't want to get stuck sans a kissing partner at midnight, plan ahead and bring a bunch of single friends with you. Make sure that everyone meets in a pre-determined location at 10 minutes to midnight and then, at midnight, have a group hug/kiss.This takes the pressure away from either having to find a hot stranger or having to watch everyone around you make out when the clock strikes 12. Plus, you'll make everyone around you jealous of your happy cuddle-fest.

4) Mingle, mingle, mingle. NYE parties attract couples and groups of single friends alike, and so it's relatively easy to find other singles at a large party. Even if you're not ready to start dating again, it can be a fun challenge to bring an outgoing friend and talk to as many people as you can at the party. If you need a reason to talk to people, make up a series of "survey" questions to get the conversations started: "Hi - my friend and I are doing an informal survey. What's your favorite NYE memory?" You never know whom you might meet and interesting, fun and random conversations are guaranteed.

New Year's Eve can be a blast if we remove our expectations about what we think we should be doing -- something that's especially true for immediately after a break-up when we're still a bit raw and memory-filled. NYE is a night to celebrate the new and enjoy good company, so instead of focusing on the should, let's focus on what we want to do and what will make us happiest and vow to make this NYE as action-packed with new, fun-with-great-friend memories as possible.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

4 Holiday Gift Exchange Landmines to Avoid in a New Relationship

Brand new romances are usually a hyperactive blend of overwhelming elation, insecurity and terrifying (what if we find something we don't like?) slash euphoric (OMG, they love that too?!) exploration of each other, especially when they're the first new thing we've had since a big relationship breakup. When you throw holiday gift exchanges into the mix, the hyperactivity can head straight into stress territory and turn a simple, enjoyable thing -- getting a gift for our new favorite person -- into a "what if?" fest of epic proportions. Here's a rundown of the top "what if"s and how to handle them and get through December with our sanity intact.

1) You find out you spent waaaaay more or less than them. Awkward for sure, and potentially embarrassing if you're the one who spent all the money, but ultimately, this is a chance to work through what is potentially your first conflict together. Since this is a new relationship, chances are good you don't know everything about their holiday patterns and traditions. If it's a case of differing traditions, enjoy each others' gifts and knowing something new about each other. In the future, if what happened this time around isn't OK with both of you, talk about any gift giving before it happens to discuss your expectations and figure out a solution you're both happy with. If the way more/way less situation is one where one of you feels uncomfortable, talk first, then try one of the following: try again, with rules about how much spend; say thanks, enjoy the gifts and vow to discuss the rules for next time; or scrap the gift exchange and just enjoy a night out together. This is supposed to be fun, so if one of you isn't comfortable, talk until you both are.

2) One of you gives, one of you doesn't. Awkward, but not insurmountable. Again - the reasons for giving or not giving may be due to tradition or culture. Talk about it and figure out what you want to do -- does the person who gave want to return it and then the two of you can enjoy a night out instead? Does the person who didn't give want a chance to return the favor?

3) Their gift is waaaaay more thoughtful than yours. It's not a competition, contrary to how it feels. Express your heartfelt appreciation for their thoughtfulness, and vow to do better next time. Gift giving in relationships is a learning process.

4) Your gift is something they hate. In relationships, the general consensus seems to be to pretend to enjoy gifts, no matter how we actually feel. However, if they missed that memo and are honest about how they feel (assuming they're very appreciative of the thought and aren't just being a jerk), talk through it and figure out why. Maybe your choice of golf lesson reminds them of their recently deceased father, or perhaps they don't wear a watch because they work somewhere where wearing jewelry is dangerous. If you've inadvertently screwed up, you can offer to try again. Some people are easy to find gifts for, and some aren't, and it can be very challenging to do well with someone we don't know very well. Don't beat yourself up about an honest mistake.

Having a pre-holiday pow-wow -- about your mutual expectations about gift exchange, how much or little you want to spend on each other (or whether you want to have a fancy date instead of gifts) -- although it may seem awkward to discuss, guarantees far less than the awkwardness of any of the above. Gift expectations (or lack thereof) can be a major landmine in relationships, long-term and new alike. Talking about it beforehand, especially in a new romance, can be a fun "get to know you" conversation as well as an extremely useful and healthy building block for whatever future the relationship may hold. And when we're cultivating a new relationship after working hard to bounce back from the old one, healthy, solid building blocks are very welcome.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

Dating Before Your Divorce Is Final: How to Break the News You're Not Officially Single Yet

As if getting a divorce isn't a big enough hurdle to get through, it can often take many months, even years, to finalize the paperwork. And when your paper divorce trails far behind your emotional divorce -- as in, you're dating again because you're completely over your ex, but your papers are still stuck in court -- it can create some awkward moments with your new dates. When do you tell them? How do you make it clear that you're completely committed to moving on, even though it's going to be another year before you have the official "I'm single" piece of paper?

Here are three tips to help you navigate those murky post-breakup, pre-officially-divorced waters:

1. When do you drop the news? Waiting until things get more serious can make it sound like you've been deliberately keeping a secret, which can put cracks in any trust that's begun to form between you and your new potential love. On the other hand, dropping the news 15 minutes into your first date with them can be really intense and awkward, as well as making a bigger deal out of it than need be. The best bet is to do it sometime during the second or third date, when you know that you actually like this person and could potentially see things going somewhere.

2. How do you tell them? The most organic way is to let them know if it comes up in conversation, i.e. if you're asked about your past relationships. There's no need to make a huge deal out of it: a simple "My ex-husband/wife and I ended things a couple years ago, and the divorce should be finalized in about six months," (or however long it's going to be), is all that's necessary. If the topic doesn't look like it's going to come up naturally, wait for a pause in the conversation, take their hands and say something like: "I like you, and I would definitely like to see if this goes somewhere. However, in the name of full disclosure, I should let you know that although I am completely single emotionally, I'm technically still married. The divorce papers are the courts right now, and should be finalized sometime in the next six months."

3. How do you make it clear things are OVER with your ex? If your new potential significant other has any misgivings about finding out you're still technically married, their insecurities will most likely come up in the days following your announcement. To prevent as much insecurity as possible, it can help immensely to give a very brief description of what happened ("The spark was gone and we decided it was better to go our separate ways," or "S/he was unfaithful, so we decided to end things,") plus an assurance that you've worked through what happened and are completely 100% ready to move forward. That way, they won't sit there, wonder what happened and fret over whether or not you're actually over it. Avoid diving fully into what happened: on only the second or third date, this is potentially TMI. But a short, sweet and non-angry description (if you're still actively and uncontrollably hurt or angry, you may have some more work to do to move completely through it) of what happened should help alleviate any fears your date may have.

Divorce and the requisite scars that the dissolution of a long-term relationship can leave behind can take a while to heal, and there's no "right way" or time-frame to move on. For some, the readiness to move forward and onward happens waaaaay before the divorce papers are finalized, and for others, it takes a little longer. Only we can tell when we're ready to find love again.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine. 

How to Approach the Holidays With a New Significant Other in Your Life

When you've got a new somebody in your life after breaking up with an old somebody (especially if the old somebody was around for a while and became a fixture at your family events), the introduction of your new significant other to your family -- at events like Christmas -- has the potential to be awkward, stressful and filled with potential social landmines.

Here are five tips to avoid the most common bouts of awkwardness during the holidays:

1. Keep the pressure low. Meeting the parents is still just as big a deal as it was in high school, and can hold a lot of significance in relationships. That said, Thanksgiving is a great event to extend the invitation, because it's a holiday built around sharing food, company and having a good time. Friends come, there's always the last minute random whose plans fell through and joins in the joviality and it generally has a the-more-the-merrier vibe, which all contribute to keep the pressure of "meeting the family" lower than a Sunday dinner with your extended family where your date is the only newcomer.

2. Prep your new flame. When you're in a situation where the last few family holidays included your ex, it's important to give your new amour a heads up that although your family is great and will love her/him, s/he'll probably be the object of some curiosity and to expect to be popular, based purely on the fact that s/he is new in your life. To put them at ease, give them background information (including funny stories) on each of your family members and how everyone relates to each other as well as any relevant drama they might stumble into, so they're aware of who everyone is and what's going on. If there's a topic of conversation they should avoid (for example, any deaths in the family, recent or otherwise, so that they don't ask where someone is and feel awful for bringing it up), let them know, but otherwise don't stress about what to or not to talk about -- you like your new signifiant other, and your family will too.

3. Prep your family. Suddenly showing up with someone new when you've had the same date for the last four years to all family functions is a great way to create some really awkward conversations during dinner. It's far better is to prep your family members beforehand that you'll be bringing a new date, that you're very happy with this new person, and you'd appreciate their full acceptance of them as well as any avoidance of discussion of your ex, your break-up and/or any conversations that compare your new flame to your ex over the sweet potatoes.

4. Control the conversation. Despite your prepping, your great aunt Betty asks you point blank what happened to that "nice girl/boy" who came to last year's holiday dinner. This is so awkward it will be entertaining in retrospect, but at the time, say that things didn't work out with your ex, that you're now very happy and with your current date and change the subject to something Great Aunt Betty loves to talk about, like her upcoming cruise to Mexico.

5. Smile and change the subject. After dinner and after too much Pinot Noir, your various family members open the floodgates of awkwardness with questions about everything you asked them to avoid. Try to remember that your family loves you and they just want to you be happy, and any probing and awkward questions they ask are a function of that. Control the conversation as best you can by changing the subject and asking about them and their lives. For example, let's say you and your ex used to love to go antique shopping together and it was always a great topic of conversation at previous family get-togethers. If you get an awkward question like, "Does s/he like to antique with you like [your ex's name] did?", you can reply with something like, "[Your date's name] loves to sail, and so we've been spending a lot of time doing that. Uncle Bob, I know you windsurf. Have you been out on the water much recently? It's been beautiful."

Part of moving forward and bouncing back after a break-up is dating again, and eventually, the time comes to introduce a new significant other to your family. There are bound to be some bumps along the way to fitting this new person completely in your life, because change is challenging and if your previous relationship was a long one, there can be a lot of inertia for your family to get through. However, ultimately your goal is to be happy, and if this new person makes you happy, your family will come around, even if they inadvertently make it awkward in the process. And isn't that one of the things that makes family great?

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

How to Handle Awkward Questions About Your Love Life (or Lack Thereof)

When things fizzle in a relationship, there's a step after the actual parting of ways that can seem like cruel and unusual punishment: having to tell everyone that our relationship status has changed. Relaying the news to our inner circles is usually fairly painless, but if our relationship was a long one and especially if shared family holidays and work parties were involved, the post break-up aftermath can seem never-ending and a particularly hellish form of torture. Well meaning friends, co-workers and family members all want to know what happened, want to give us advice and sometimes seem hell-bent on setting us up immediately with their neighbor's best friend's cousin's son/daughter. 

When the absolute last thing we want to do is rehash what happened and jump into something new, how do we navigate this social mine-field without alienating people and coming across like a hot mess when we freak out when asked one question too many?

1) Keep your cool. Even though it royally sucks to have to field questions about what happened (especially when you JUST managed to not think about your ex every five minutes), most of the people you ask said questions mean well and care about you. Plaster a smile on your face, assure them you're fine and that things just "didn't work out."

2) Change the subject. When dealing with a socially sensitive questioner, sometimes a simple change of subject can be enough to dissuade any further discussion on the topic: "Nope - I'm not really dating anyone special. So - how about that game last night?"

3) Control the conversation. Even though the questions are directed at you, an easy trick to deflect the attention and move into new (less annoying and painful) territory is to give a short answer to their question, and then turn the questions on them: "I'm doing great, thanks - and how are you and Robert doing? Where are you going on vacation this year?" Hopefully they'll be so distracted talking about their vacation plans, they'll forget to focus on you.

4) If they persist, be firm. Your break-up is no one's business but yours, and you are perfectly within your right to not talk about it if you don't want to. When dealing with a more pushy questioner who won't drop the subject, despite your attempts to talk about something else, sometimes a firmer hand is required: "I appreciate your concern, but I'd really rather not talk about this anymore. Why don't you tell me about your new project at work?"

5) If all else fails, walk away. Finding an excuse to leave the conversation is a perfectly acceptable response to being grilled about what happened between you and your ex. Simply say "Excuse me, but I just saw my friend walk in the door / need another drink / need to use the bathroom" and bail.

Although the conversations about your well-being will be frequent and numerous at first, they'll mercifully die out quickly as word gets around. There will always be the family members who ask you point blank why you haven't found someone yet over the marshmallow roasted sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner, but hopefully those conversational gems are few and far between and can be viewed as humorous rather than bringing up a whole boatload of memories you're trying to bounce back from -- as is the case right after a break-up.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 Party Mingling Don'ts

Parties, depending on how social we're feeling on a particular day, are either something to be looked forward to and enjoyed with a "Best. Night. Ever" fervor, or are social nightmares to be dreaded and may cause psychosomatic flu-like symptoms hours before the event, keeping us (happily) contained to our couches watching re-runs of Sex and the City. No matter where we fall on this scale, we all have good days and bad days. After attending a party a couple weeks ago where all of the following five "don'ts" occurred more than once, here are some basic tips to (hopefully) make the upcoming party season as un-nightmarish and "Best. Night. Ever," as possible.

1) Avoid being a personal space invader. Sometimes, when we're in a small space with a lot of people, it's impossible not to get too close -- and that's fine. The forced invasion of personal space even provides something to joke and laugh about. But when there's plenty of room and someone gets thisclose (and they're not your best friend or significant other), it's very uncool. Culturally, personal space can vary, but a good rule of thumb is between a two and three feet away when you're having a conversation with someone at a party.

2) Don't be "That Girl/Guy" at the party. Whether it be alcohol or something more in the illegal realm, getting wasted to the point of blacking out or being out of control is rarely cool, especially when the person in question keeps swearing that they're not, in fact, over their limit.

3) Don't be a conversation hogger. Meeting new people is one of the best things about attending a party. Sometimes you can walk away with a new BFF, date and/or a giant pile of warm fuzzy feelings from an enjoyable night with awesome people. And sometimes, you can get stuck in a truly cringe-inducing conversation, where the other person is talking just to hear the sound of their own voice and although is asking you questions, isn't listening to a word you say. Nothing kills a conversation faster than having the person you're talking to ask you the same question multiple times because they weren't paying attention.

4) Avoid double dipping in mixed company. Going for the hummus, guacamole or delicious seven layered bean dip with the chip you just took a bite out of may be cool around your closest pals, but doing it at a party where you don't know everyone is not advised, for obvious reasons.

5) Don't gossip. Parties are great places for overhearing (read eavesdropping), and when you don't know everyone there, it's waaaaay to easy to get caught saying something you probably shouldn't be saying and having the person you're discussing find out. It's also a good idea to keep your (negative) opinions about the other party-goers to yourself -- you never know who might know the person you're talking about. Sticking to the old "Don't say anything if you don't have something nice to say," is a solid plan.

Potholes like the above are easy to avoid once we're aware of them (or have been guilty of them and felt moronic enough afterwards to avoid repeating the mistake). Even on those shy or "I don't want to go out" days, pulling together a good attitude about party-going and being social will make a huge difference as to whether or not the experience will rock . Parties are fantastic places to meet new people, make new connections and have a great time -- especially if we're enjoying the single life. Every cool new person we meet is going to know other cool people they can introduce us to, drastically widening our social circles and hugely upping the odds of finding our next date.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Another 5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

Divorce sucks. Even if it's ultra-friendly and mutual, it's still a situation we wouldn't wish on our most memorable high-school nemesis. There are all sorts of feelings we have to deal with afterwards: grief, frustration, low-self esteem, guilt, confusion, anger (plus about a hundred more over the course of recovery! When we're healed enough to dive back into the dating scene, a lot of those feelings still linger, and because the first date back and the process of getting to know new people in a romantic setting is part of bouncing back, it can be a very bumpy road. In a series of fifteen tips on how to deal with the First Date, here are the last five Don'ts to help keep that road as smooth as possible.

1) Don't stress if you find yourself acting totally weird. Be honest and laugh it off: "I'm sorry -- that was weird. I just started dating again after my divorce last year, and I'm afraid I'm a little nervous." Laying your cards out on the table can often release tension and make the night fun. Although it's perhaps not ideal to announce you're freshly divorced (your date may wonder if they're a rebound), letting them know you're nervous is flattering for them, and unless they're really not feeling it, being honest and making yourself a bit vulnerable by revealing what's really going on will definitely break the ice. Note: Make sure the conversation steers away from divorce and your past relationship after your explanation -- a simple "It just wasn't meant to be" will suffice if they ask what happened.

2) Even after all the mental pep-talks, you're still freaking out. Don't worry. If small talk makes you sweat and you feel like you're not going to have anything to say, prepare ahead of time. Sit down the day or week before and make an exhaustive list of everything you can think of that's interesting to you: places you've visited, things you're interested in (art, wine, cars, design, sports, etc.), your dreams, your job, your kids; and then make a cheat sheet to put in your pocket or purse. If, halfway through the date, you find yourself struggling for things to talk about, go to the bathroom and look at your list. Hopefully it will refresh your memory and give you conversational fodder for at least another 30 minutes.

3) Don't freak out if you clam up and can't think of anything to say. Instead, listen to your date talk. People LOVE to be listened to -- it's flattering to have that much attention paid to you. If you're just not feeling like talking (because you're nervous or you need a bit more time to get out of your shell), be the question instigator instead of the person on the receiving end. By asking interesting, open-ended questions (What's your dream vacation? Where would you most want to live if you could live anywhere? Dream job?), you can keep up the listening for quite a while, which will hopefully be enough time for you to get comfortable.

4) Don't stick around if there's no connection. It's OK to bail. There's no law that says you need to suffer through three hours of an awful date. It's a great idea to make the first part of the date drinks or coffee-based (which should take about 20 minutes if it's bad, and however long you want if it's good), and then only suggest dinner if things go well. That way, if things suck and you're just not feeling it, you can bail after the drinks (by saying you have other plans) and your date is none the wiser.

5) Don't overdo it on the Pinot Noir. It can be very tempting to imbibe more than usual in a potentially uncomfortable situation (like a first date after a disastrous break-up.) However, drinking to the point of lowered inhibitions seldom turns out as well as we would hope. Drinking heavily has the nasty side effect of magnifying whatever emotions we were feeling before we had one too many, and when we're in a situation where emotions are high, this can be a recipe for disaster (venting about your ex to your unsuspecting first date is not advised). Know your limit and take care not to overdo it (as tempting as the liquid courage may be.)

Because the First Date is a natural part of the healing and bouncing back process, it's a good time to be a little selfish and focus on you -- how you're feeling, whether or not you're ready, and if this is what you want to be doing right now. There's no "right time" or "should" in bouncing back from divorce. It's an at-your-own-pace sort of situation. The First Date is pretty much always going to be a little scary, a lot nerve-wracking and somewhat bumpy, so take your time, enjoy the ride and don't worry if a break is needed every now and again to take stock and figure out if you're still on the right road.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

It's National Singles' Week...and Being Single Rocks

(As published on Yahoo! Shine on September 20th, 2010.)

This week is National Singles' Week, and when you're recovering from a relationship breakup, no matter if it happened two weeks or two years ago, it's really important to be single for a while and get to know this new you. Each time we have a relationship and open our hearts to someone else (freakish pinky toes and all), we grow as people and hopefully learn a bit more about ourselves. Each relationship is different, so while it's unlikely the lessons we took away from our last relationship will directly apply to the next one, a lifetime of loving, losing and moving on are all integral parts of life and our development as people.

So, when we're in the recovery phase (past the pity parties, but not quite ready to open up again), it's a wonderful opportunity to have an absolutely fabulous time and enjoy the hell out of life. Whether we're flying solo by way of the road of recovery from a break-up, or just haven't met someone special enough to merit coupledom yet, when we find ourselves in the glorious land of singledom, it is a time to be cherished, savored and enjoyed. Here are ten reasons why being unattached rocks.

1) More free time. New relationships are a major time-suck. Hobbies, laundry, working out and the gloriousness of having a whole afternoon ahead of you with no plans beyond lazing around with your dog at the park with a good book can often be overlooked.

2) You get to fall in love again! There is nothing like falling in love -- it's fun, exciting and makes you feel like you've got a sunbeam filled with rainbows, unicorns and butterflies following you around everyday. When you're single, each new person you meet is has potential to be the next person you fall in love with. How exciting is that?

3) Your time is yours. When you're part of a couple, it's considerate and pretty normal to check in with your significant other to see what they're doing and if they want to join you in what you're planning on doing. When you're single, you're free to do what you want, when you want and how you want, without any need to run your plans by anyone else.

4) You can be weird and no one knows about it. We all have little weird behaviors that make us happy that we mostly likely put a lid on when we're around other people. Feel like letting your mild OCD run rampant as you alphabetize your bookshelf? Love spending three hours trying on make-up and experimenting? Want to dance naked around your apartment listening to Lady Gaga? Want to watch 18 episodes in a row of Gossip Girl? Go for it.

5) If you're back to living by yourself, you can decorate according to your tastes alone - there's no need to cooperate, coordinate, consult or compromise with anyone else, which means that paisley print couch you've been keeping in storage for the last five years can make a grand appearance once again.

6) You can vacation wherever you want. Vacationing is one of those things that people have strong preferences on, especially when we only get two weeks off a year. When those preferences don't match up, things can get complicated. When you're single, there's no complication. This is a great time to be selfish and take the vacation you've always wanted. Costa Rica for a week with the college peeps coming right up!

7) You're free to flirt. Let those random conversations with hot strangers turn into a date and see where it goes. Relationships (usually) mean you've made a conscious choice to be with that person and that person alone. That cute someone you see every Saturday morning at yoga is now no longer off limits. Enjoy.

8) You can hang out with your friends more. Truth: being part of a couple means less time for friends. So make up for lost time and start making more awesome memories.

9) Your friends will invite you out more. Single friends are usually more available socially than coupled up ones, so bask in the glory of being everyone's first choice to come hang out and prepare for some amazingly random nights.

10) First dates! First dates have so much potential -- both to go badly and to go well. If they totally bomb and your date is a freak, you've got a great story to tell your friends (who are probably living vicariously through your raging social life), and if the date goes well? Bring on the happy, this-has-potential-butterflies.

There are aspects about both sides -- coupled up or not -- that have pluses and minuses. That said, instead of focusing on what we might not have at the moment or the negatives we may feel about no longer being one half of a couple, focus on all the good things about being single. Enjoy each day as fully as possible, spend a ton of time with great friends, laugh, and rock this period of time when we're completely unattached and free to do what we want. Bouncing back is all about finding happiness in our new lives, and being single, focusing on whatever whim strikes us and enjoying our friends is a major part of that healing process.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 More Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

With the recent release of Eat, Pray, Love, a movie about bouncing back after a series of breakups, self-discovery and self-growth, many of us have started fantasizing about going to Italy, India and Indonesia as well. The story is one of finding happiness, finding yourself and then finding love -- a beautiful tale and one that I'm pretty sure we all aspire to. Somewhere along that road, however, comes the First Date -- that momentous day when you go on your first date after a big breakup. Here are the second five of fifteen tips to make the First Date a little easier.

1) Be yourself. When you've been with someone for a long time, it's hard to remember what it's like to be by yourself. Relationships affect us in countless ways, and every new person we become close with teaches us something about them, about us, and about how we interact with others. As a result, "being yourself" after a breakup is challenging, because you probably don't know this new you that well. This limbo period makes us vulnerable to acting how we think others want us to act. Resist this and do your best to be you -- incenserity, no matter how well meant, is a turn-off.

2) Move at your own pace. The first date after a breakup is a big deal and it's easy to get pushed at a pace faster than you're perhaps ready for. Even if you feel great about this new person, making a concious effort to move slowly so that a real connection develops can do wonders to make the whole new relationship thing a lot more comfortable. It's scary letting someone else in after a traumatic situaiton like divorce, so give yourself a break and let things develop as they will -- don't pressure yourself into doing or being in something you're not ready for.

3) Expect awkwardness. It's going to be slightly awkward, so spend zero time stressing about that aspect of it. The first date back is usually after a long hiatus from the world of flirty small talk, and it's totally natural to be a bit rusty. If you can, enjoy the awkwardness -- it can be an ice-breaker if you can find a way to laugh about it.

4) Don't worry about what they think. Emotional confidence can be at its lowest after a breakup, and going on a date again will absolutely make you think of your last relationship, no matter how much progress you've made on the recovery road. Having an unexpected reminder of the very thing you're trying to move on from can be a bummer and a confidence suck. Ignore it and remember that the person you're on the date with wants to be there. It wouldn't be happening if they didn't.

5) It's totally fine if the date bombs. If things jump on the bullet train to hell on your long-anticipated date, don't worry about it. It happens. We're not compatible with everyone we meet. Plus, once you're through the first date, you won't have to have the "first date after divorce' again. From then on you'll just be dating.

Divorce and breakups can do a number on our emotional well-being and confidence and it's so important to remember to let yourself recover at your own pace and not worry about the "should"s: I should be dating again, I should be over it, I should be totally fine. Try not to stress about the date and enjoy getting to know someone new. If the date is fun, fantastic. If not, now you've gotten through the worst of it -- the first date back.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

What to expect and how to behave on that most momentous of days -- the first date after a bad breakup or a divorce -- is often a mystery. Even if the relationship didn't last that long, when the breakup is traumatic enough to negatively affect your life, it doesn't matter how long or short the relationship was. When we dive in to something deeply enough, we forget what it is to be without that person -- and that is what makes the breakup so difficult. We have to learn to be single again, and how to date as this new person we've become. All of this adds up to making the first date after the breakup a Really Big Deal.

Here are the first five of fifteen tips to make the first date transition a little easier.

1. Don't talk about your past relationship. It may be tempting -- after all, that relationship may be all you've known for the last two or ten or thirty years. Instead, talk about things that you like to do, books you've read, movies you like, and places you've visited. If a funny story fits into the conversation that your ex was a part of (because, say, you were on vacation together when this event occurred), gloss over it by not mentioning your ex at all, or by referring to them as your ex and leaving it at that. No further explanation needed. After all, your ex is (hopefully) not the point of the story and serves no greater relevance than setting the scene.

2. Don't let the fear rule. Instead, expect fear and embrace it. Unless you're a superhero with iron-clad confidence, it's totally natural and normal to be freaked out about a first date. So instead of focusing on the fear and letting it rule your day or week leading up to the date, acknowledge it and let it go. It's there. It doesn't deserve any further attention than a "Hello."

 3. Don't have any expectations. Instead, expect nothing from the date. This date may turn out to be a ton of fun, or it may tank, or it may be mediocre. You have no way of knowing ahead of time what will happen. First dates can be nerve-inducing when they're just everyday first dates. When they're the first date after a big hiatus? It's easy to work yourself into a flurry of what ifs. To avoid this and enjoy the evening, get rid of any and all expectations about them, about how the date will go, and any potential outcome of the date. This will allow you to enjoy your time getting to know this person without stressing that things are or aren't going as you expected.

4. Don't rebound. This person does not have to be your next relationship. In fact, unless you're totally and truly over your past relationship and are totally happy and secure with yourself, it's probably a good idea to get used to the dating game again (and to get used to being single and getting to know yourself as a whole rather than one-half of a relationship) before you dive into something new. Focus on making friends and if something happens down the line? Great. If not, no worries.

5. Don't pressure yourself. Recovering from a major breakup can sometimes take years. So go at your own pace. When you're ready to date, you'll date. There's no set, proper time-frame for bouncing back and moving on.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in our lives. It just sucks. That first date after your divorce is a physical representation to yourself that you're ready to move forward with your life, and as such can be a totally scary, nerve-wracking, nervous sweat-inducing event. Taking the pressure off yourself and what the date means can do wonders for making it fun rather than scary. And when you're bouncing back and trying to move forward, scary is bad. So, be yourself, don't pressure yourself into feeling or doing anything you're not ready for, and most of all, remember to enjoy it for what it is: a fun couple hours with a potential new friend.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.