Why Dating Is So Fun for Some and So Hard for Others

For many of us, dating is incredibly challenging and delivers some major sucker-punches to our self esteem on a regular basis. For others, it seems to be a delightful, enjoyable and anticipated pastime that doesn't seem to have any negatives. What's with this vastly varying take on dating? Why is it easier for some than others? What is this latter category of daters' secret?


That secret is confidence and independence... and lots of it.


The act of dating -- of meeting new people and having someone to spend an hour with -- can provide relief from the loneliness that can sneak up on even the most independent of us. However, when we use dating as a cure for loneliness, our interactions with the person we're out with tend to take on much more significance than necessary. This makes the whole process a lot less fun.


When we're not feeling confident, we tend to seek validation from dating: validation of our attractiveness, validation that people like us, and validation that we're not alone. As a result, we tend to place a ton of pressure on ourselves to find-someone-right-now and fill the void. This turns each dating interaction into a pressure-filled pit of anxiety about whether or not they like us, whether or not we like them and, if we do, whether or not this person The-Next-One potential. Plus, regardless of whether we're interested in pursuing something with them, if they're not into us, it can cause some major self-esteem downward spirals. Yikes.


The secret is that those that enjoy dating don't place any weight on their interactions with those they date -- if it's fun, it's fun. If it's not, they don't worry about it. If someone doesn't dig them, it's a non-issue. If they don't dig them, it's no big deal. They accept it and move on, with no lasting blows to their egos. They know that even when they do get lonely, finding relief from randoms in the dating world isn't the way to go. Instead, they seek out quality time with friends, family and/or ferret out new social circles through taking a new class, volunteering or exploring a new hobby. They know that all of these are far better ways to combat loneliness and low self-esteem than seeking a lift from a stranger on a date.


So, the next time a date threatens to throw us into the depths of a self-esteem-trounce-athon, remember that we can choose to let the date throw us off our game and ruin our night, or we can let it go and move on.


Schedule some time with friends that make us laugh. Sign up for a marathon to finally hit those fitness goals we've been thinking about for the last two years. Because when we remember that we're in charge of how we feel and we're in charge of our own lives, happiness, confidence and independence, we're happier people -- who can enjoy dating.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

4 Ideas for the Newly Single on Surviving New Year's Eve

Ah, New Year's Eve: A night of pressure to do something cool, pressure to have someone to kiss, and pressure to have a good time. The expectations we place on ourselves to do those three things with gusto often end up making NYE into a stress-bomb of epic proportions. And besides that, what do we do when we're newly single and all we feel like doing is hiding in our apartment with our cat and watching the ball drop on all the crazy people brave enough to hang out in the sub-zero temperature of Times Square? Here are five ideas for making NYE 2010 as low-pressure and as enjoyable as possible when we're fresh out of a breakup.

1) F*** it and stay in. Besides having to listen to all of the "OMG, the party I went to was sooooo awesome. You totally should have come!" comments for the first two weeks of January, ringing in the new year with a close friend or two, the cat, a bottle of champagne (or two) and the flat screen is a perfectly acceptable alternative to the huge and often over-priced parties your other friends are attending. Plus, if you don't feel like going out, you don't have to -- break-ups are tough to begin with, and NYE can be a tough night, regardless of how long it's been since your last relationship (or even if you're in a relationship). So F*** it -- stay in and veto the parties.

2) Have an Anti-NYE Party. Part of what makes NYE stressful is the aforementioned pressure to rage for a night. If that's not you or you just don't feel like it, put the feelers out to see if anyone else is feeling the same way (and there will most certainly be takers.) A low-key get-together with close friends, with no pressure to "party like it's 1999", can be a great alternative to both staying in and ignoring the night and forcing yourself into attending a huge party. Make everyone bring something to drink and something to eat, and there'll be nothing for you to worry about as the host/ess. Bonus: Give it a costume theme like ninjas versus zombies, and you'll be sure to have a good time.

3) If you want to go out, bring single friends. If the gigantic party calls to you but you don't want to get stuck sans a kissing partner at midnight, plan ahead and bring a bunch of single friends with you. Make sure that everyone meets in a pre-determined location at 10 minutes to midnight and then, at midnight, have a group hug/kiss.This takes the pressure away from either having to find a hot stranger or having to watch everyone around you make out when the clock strikes 12. Plus, you'll make everyone around you jealous of your happy cuddle-fest.

4) Mingle, mingle, mingle. NYE parties attract couples and groups of single friends alike, and so it's relatively easy to find other singles at a large party. Even if you're not ready to start dating again, it can be a fun challenge to bring an outgoing friend and talk to as many people as you can at the party. If you need a reason to talk to people, make up a series of "survey" questions to get the conversations started: "Hi - my friend and I are doing an informal survey. What's your favorite NYE memory?" You never know whom you might meet and interesting, fun and random conversations are guaranteed.

New Year's Eve can be a blast if we remove our expectations about what we think we should be doing -- something that's especially true for immediately after a break-up when we're still a bit raw and memory-filled. NYE is a night to celebrate the new and enjoy good company, so instead of focusing on the should, let's focus on what we want to do and what will make us happiest and vow to make this NYE as action-packed with new, fun-with-great-friend memories as possible.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

How to Handle Awkward Questions About Your Love Life (or Lack Thereof)

When things fizzle in a relationship, there's a step after the actual parting of ways that can seem like cruel and unusual punishment: having to tell everyone that our relationship status has changed. Relaying the news to our inner circles is usually fairly painless, but if our relationship was a long one and especially if shared family holidays and work parties were involved, the post break-up aftermath can seem never-ending and a particularly hellish form of torture. Well meaning friends, co-workers and family members all want to know what happened, want to give us advice and sometimes seem hell-bent on setting us up immediately with their neighbor's best friend's cousin's son/daughter. 

When the absolute last thing we want to do is rehash what happened and jump into something new, how do we navigate this social mine-field without alienating people and coming across like a hot mess when we freak out when asked one question too many?

1) Keep your cool. Even though it royally sucks to have to field questions about what happened (especially when you JUST managed to not think about your ex every five minutes), most of the people you ask said questions mean well and care about you. Plaster a smile on your face, assure them you're fine and that things just "didn't work out."

2) Change the subject. When dealing with a socially sensitive questioner, sometimes a simple change of subject can be enough to dissuade any further discussion on the topic: "Nope - I'm not really dating anyone special. So - how about that game last night?"

3) Control the conversation. Even though the questions are directed at you, an easy trick to deflect the attention and move into new (less annoying and painful) territory is to give a short answer to their question, and then turn the questions on them: "I'm doing great, thanks - and how are you and Robert doing? Where are you going on vacation this year?" Hopefully they'll be so distracted talking about their vacation plans, they'll forget to focus on you.

4) If they persist, be firm. Your break-up is no one's business but yours, and you are perfectly within your right to not talk about it if you don't want to. When dealing with a more pushy questioner who won't drop the subject, despite your attempts to talk about something else, sometimes a firmer hand is required: "I appreciate your concern, but I'd really rather not talk about this anymore. Why don't you tell me about your new project at work?"

5) If all else fails, walk away. Finding an excuse to leave the conversation is a perfectly acceptable response to being grilled about what happened between you and your ex. Simply say "Excuse me, but I just saw my friend walk in the door / need another drink / need to use the bathroom" and bail.

Although the conversations about your well-being will be frequent and numerous at first, they'll mercifully die out quickly as word gets around. There will always be the family members who ask you point blank why you haven't found someone yet over the marshmallow roasted sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner, but hopefully those conversational gems are few and far between and can be viewed as humorous rather than bringing up a whole boatload of memories you're trying to bounce back from -- as is the case right after a break-up.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

365/24/7 Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday, as it is for a lot of people. Besides the spooky factor, the candy and the ubiquitous availability of pumpkin lattes, it’s a night (or day, or weekend) that gives us all a pass to be anyone we want. We can show off our cleverness with a costume that makes everyone around us think “Why didn’t I think of that?” and we have full freedom to insert “Slutty” in front of almost any costume, wear as little as possible and get away with it, because it’s not only expected — it’s welcomed and applauded.

Why don’t we do this more often?

This freedom feels fantastic, and I think the vast majority of us would agree that that’s why Halloween rocks. But why should we only get to take a hit of it one or two nights a year (like this year -- yeah!)? This post serves as a call to happiness to encourage us to have costume parties year-round; to remember that being ourselves (whether that self channels Slutty Red-Riding Hood, Donatello the TMNT or The Situation) is something we should focus on, nurture and fully enjoy; and to live in a constant state of non-judgment — is there a non-judgier night than Halloween?

Yours in preserving the trick or treat spirit, S 

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

(Image by greyloch)

Flying Solo = Win

Think about the last time you fell into one of those random but awesome conversations with someone: maybe it was at the coffee shop, the bookstore, at the farmer’s market or at happy hour. Chances are good that both you and the random-conversation-someone were both cruising solo (or at least were temporarily separated from your respective groups.)

This is because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to talk to people when they’re not surrounded by a huge group of their fifteen closest friends (or even just plus one or two). And while your new crush hanging in a large group is not an insurmountable challenge, it’s a hell of lot easier to engineer a “random” conversation with them when they’re separated or are by themselves. Conversation itself is a lot less intimidating when it’s one on one, versus trying to engage two or three or ten other people at the same time, and most of us are far more comfortable with random conversation with attractive people we don’t know when there’s just one of them.

So, in the interest of making it easier for those who may want to talk to you, consider flying solo the next time you want to be out and about. Or, if that seems totally crazy, separate yourself from the peeps for a while the next time you’re out with them and give the 98% of the population who shudders at the thought of approaching a large group a chance to talk to you. Friends rock for lots of reasons, but can unfortunately act as a giant deflector shield when there’s someone cute who wants to talk to you.

Coffee shops, bookstores, farmer’s markets, happy hours, concerts, festivals — all are great places to meet cool people without deviating from your normal going-out patterns. And snagging another microbrew, latte or giving in to your truly epic need to continue the search for the perfect kumquat are all great excuses to be on your own for a bit (and make yourself available to awesome conversation with attractive people you don’t know yet).

Yours in random awesomeness, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

(Image by: John Althouse Cohen)

Dating Dish: Don't Wait, Initiate - How to Make the First Move

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

Don't Wait, Initiate - How to Make the First Move

Dating Dish: You Don't Need a Plus One to Have Fun

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!


You Don't Need a Plus One to Have Fun

5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

What to expect and how to behave on that most momentous of days -- the first date after a bad breakup or a divorce -- is often a mystery. Even if the relationship didn't last that long, when the breakup is traumatic enough to negatively affect your life, it doesn't matter how long or short the relationship was. When we dive in to something deeply enough, we forget what it is to be without that person -- and that is what makes the breakup so difficult. We have to learn to be single again, and how to date as this new person we've become. All of this adds up to making the first date after the breakup a Really Big Deal.

Here are the first five of fifteen tips to make the first date transition a little easier.

1. Don't talk about your past relationship. It may be tempting -- after all, that relationship may be all you've known for the last two or ten or thirty years. Instead, talk about things that you like to do, books you've read, movies you like, and places you've visited. If a funny story fits into the conversation that your ex was a part of (because, say, you were on vacation together when this event occurred), gloss over it by not mentioning your ex at all, or by referring to them as your ex and leaving it at that. No further explanation needed. After all, your ex is (hopefully) not the point of the story and serves no greater relevance than setting the scene.

2. Don't let the fear rule. Instead, expect fear and embrace it. Unless you're a superhero with iron-clad confidence, it's totally natural and normal to be freaked out about a first date. So instead of focusing on the fear and letting it rule your day or week leading up to the date, acknowledge it and let it go. It's there. It doesn't deserve any further attention than a "Hello."

 3. Don't have any expectations. Instead, expect nothing from the date. This date may turn out to be a ton of fun, or it may tank, or it may be mediocre. You have no way of knowing ahead of time what will happen. First dates can be nerve-inducing when they're just everyday first dates. When they're the first date after a big hiatus? It's easy to work yourself into a flurry of what ifs. To avoid this and enjoy the evening, get rid of any and all expectations about them, about how the date will go, and any potential outcome of the date. This will allow you to enjoy your time getting to know this person without stressing that things are or aren't going as you expected.

4. Don't rebound. This person does not have to be your next relationship. In fact, unless you're totally and truly over your past relationship and are totally happy and secure with yourself, it's probably a good idea to get used to the dating game again (and to get used to being single and getting to know yourself as a whole rather than one-half of a relationship) before you dive into something new. Focus on making friends and if something happens down the line? Great. If not, no worries.

5. Don't pressure yourself. Recovering from a major breakup can sometimes take years. So go at your own pace. When you're ready to date, you'll date. There's no set, proper time-frame for bouncing back and moving on.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in our lives. It just sucks. That first date after your divorce is a physical representation to yourself that you're ready to move forward with your life, and as such can be a totally scary, nerve-wracking, nervous sweat-inducing event. Taking the pressure off yourself and what the date means can do wonders for making it fun rather than scary. And when you're bouncing back and trying to move forward, scary is bad. So, be yourself, don't pressure yourself into feeling or doing anything you're not ready for, and most of all, remember to enjoy it for what it is: a fun couple hours with a potential new friend.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Eff the Fear

I spent this last weekend at various parties and one very fun beer festival (as you do when the 4th creates a three-day weekend). Because I’m a dating writer and coach, the subject of dating inevitably comes up in conversation and so, much of my weekend was spent (happily) listening to the dating issues faced by both sexes. I heard lots of the normal “I never meet anyone”, “All the good ones are taken” and “What’s with all the crazy bitches / douchebags I keep running into?” But the number one stated by both sexes? “The people I want to talk to never come and talk to me.”

Obviously this begs the question as to why we don’t initiate conversation ourselves more often, to which the answer is usually some version of: “That freaks me out”, “I don’t know how” or “I want them to make the first move.” Every guy I talked to this last weekend said that they’d love for a girl to initiate conversation, and every girl I talked to complained that guys don’t initiate conversation often enough. From that, the solution would appear to be that we should all just talk to each other more. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. There are egos, fragile feelings and fear to contend with when we think about talking to someone we like, and much more often than not, those things prevent us from actually pursuing that hot guy/girl and instead leave us with some nice fodder for the next time we’re bored and want to fantasize.

However, if we all take a deep breath, let go of our fear, and — the next time we’re in the same vicinity as an available cute someone — talk to them, we might be surprised at our success. Sure, it’s not going to work every time, and yeah, our egos may take the occasional hit, but in the end if it works out with one of the people we talk to, that’s one more person than we knew than before. Letting fear rule — fear of failure, fear of rejection and fearing that we don’t know how — isn’t how I bet the vast majority of us want to live our lives. So eff fear in the name of reducing the number of dating complaints: talk to the next person you think is cute.

Yours in sunshine and rainbows, S

(Credits: Image by svintus2010)


Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

5 Ways to Get Outside, Meet Your Next Date, and Have a Blast

Summer is here and if you’re recovering from a break-up, now is the perfect time to utilize the many benefits of being single in the warmest, laziest time of year. One of the easiest ways to meet new people (remembering that even if you’re not ready to date again, it’s always great to find new people to laugh with), is to take a co-ed sports class. When that class is outdoors, teaches you a new skill, gives you a great work-out and is full of fun and attractive people enjoying life, it adds up to a fantastic make-you-smile combination. Here are five fun outdoor summer activities that give you a work-out and easy access to your next date.

1. Beach Volleyball. Even if you don’t live on a beach, there will be a park with sand where people play this incredibly fun sport. Community centers, colleges and private clubs alike offer classes, ranging from beginner to expert. Wherever you fall on that scale, you’ll be surrounded by attractive, tanned, fun-loving people. Plus, it’s a fantastic work-out.

2. Sailing. Sun, water and a humbling day of dinging around on a small sailboat is a fantastic way to bond with your classmates -- no one knows what they’re doing and it’s a real challenge to do any serious damage to anyone or anything. End result? Hilarity. Plus, once you understand the mechanics of sailing a tiny boat, the bigger ones will be much easier to learn. Then, you can hang out with the local sailing club, giving you access to an even bigger group of outdoorsy, water loving people.

3. Rock Climbing. Although probably the most physically challenging of the five, it’s arguably the most fun. There’s nothing like successfully scaling a wall with the sun beating down on you and being cheered on by your fellow newbies. You’ll do things you never imagined you could, and walk away with some seriously envy-inducing shoulders. Plus, never was there a place with so many attractive, healthy people than in a rock-climbing gym.

4. Golf. One of the most popular weekend activities, golf is one of those sports for which the mechanics and frustrations can provide hours of easy-to-keep-going conversation. Once you’re ready to play a game on your own, you can ask to be put with people at your level. Four hours walking around a golf course is a great workout, and an even better bonding situation. You’ll walk away with three new friends, and perhaps your next date.

5. Kayaking. Depending on where you go, kayaking varies in its challenges. The one common factor? A great upper-body workout. It’s also one of those sports, like hiking, where you can easily find a group (led by a professional) to join and spend a weekend with. The immediate bond you feel with nature when it’s just you and a paddle is amazing, and incredibly healing.

Being outside is a proven mood lifter; as is exercise. Taking a outdoor sports-based class gives you a work-out and also provides you with a fail-safe way to make new friends because you’ll always have something to talk about when you’re in a class together, and the bonding that comes with being schooled in humility when we learn something new creates instant friendships. If you’re ready to date and no one in your class fits the mold, these new friends will fold you into their circle and you’ll meet even more potential dates. Any way you look at it, outdoor summer classes or professionally led group trips add up to a win-win way to spend a few hours on a weekend.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Stand Out From The Crowd and Get a Reply

Online dating can be fun, it can blow, and it can fall somewhere in between — all depending on how often your carefully crafted emails receive replies. Here are some tips to up that percentage and make every time you log onto your dating account a positive experience.

- Be honest on your profile. If you’re a grand-master King in your local LARP-ing league, shout it out. If you’re looking for someone to volunteer with at the local animal shelter and keep things casual, spell it out. If you’re ready to get married within the next 60 days and you’re desperately seeking a fellow Jimmy Buffet fan who loves piña coladas, hates yoga and loves getting caught in the rain, make it known. Passion and authenticity are sexy. Plus, the more honest and interesting you are, the more reason you give someone to email you.

- Be original with your subject lines. Avoid the standard “Hi”, “What’s up?” or “You’re hot.” These are a dime a dozen in in-boxes and in all likelihood, won’t get a click. We’re all looking for that interesting, funny, awesome person to spend time with, and interesting, funny, awesome people don’t say “‘Sup” in their subject lines. For example, one of the best subject lines I’ve seen in my dating inbox is “Synesthete seeking mango-hater”. I’m deathly allergic to mangoes so clearly he’d read my profile (always a plus), and the synesthesia thing was an interesting, stand-out angle.

- Use awesome pictures. The goal is to come up with 5-7 pictures of you that illustrate your life, including at least one close-up one that shows off your handsomeness to the max. You’ve got a great dog? Give Fido some love and use a picture of you two together — the happier-looking the better. Love going to costume parties? Post your favorite trekkie themed party picture of you and your five closest friends (being sure to point out which one is you, of course). The point is, when potential dates are stalking you checking out your profile to see what information they can glean about how normal you are, the more information you can give them to prove you’re a functional, friendly human being, the better. One caveat - avoid pictures with just you and your ex. Not only will this cause a flurry of questioning on the part of the person looking at your profile (Is he over her?), but you’re on the dating site to move forward and meet new people, not show off how hot your ex was.

Bottom line, use your profile as a tool to give the best, most honest picture of you as possible. If your top three bands are Hanson, Radiohead and Thrice and your favorite movie is “Anacondas”, you’re going to greatly up your chances of meeting a fellow Hanson/Radiohead/Thrice/Anacondas lover if you’re true to yourself on your profile.

Until next time, yours in best-foot-forward-honesty, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor. 

10 Weekend Activities You Haven't Thought of Yet to Expand Your Horizons and Improve Your Life

After a break-up or any other sort of change in your life, how you feel about yourself is one of the things that can take the biggest pummeling. To start putting power back in your piggy bank of self-esteem, try any (or all!) of the things on this list. You get bonus points for doing something you haven't tried before or that you're slightly nervous about, because every time you successfully do something outside of your comfort zone, you're reminded that you CAN do it and that you're a capable, kick-ass human being. I, for example, have a completely irrational fear of getting eaten by a shark, and while I'm completely comfortable in the water, the thought of being so far under I couldn't easily make it to the surface if I ran out of air makes my blood run cold. So for me, getting my scuba certification was a major accomplishment because I had to deal with these in-my-face fears. Now, whenever I encounter something that freaks me out, I remember how I not only survived, but was exposed to a new sport and new world of insane beauty, and it serves as a nice reminder that I'm strong and no matter what is scaring me, I'll probably get through this too. This is a huge boost for my self-esteem.

If you're feeling like flying solo to a class, retreat, trip, whatever, you get the added benefit of putting yourself in a situation to meet some great new people, which is always a plus when you feel a hole in another part of your life. If you're feeling social, bring a friend or five along and get reminded of the good things: great friends, laughter, sunshine. When you go away for a weekend and immerse yourself in something, it's a chance to leave all the BS you're dealing with at home and just fly free for a weekend. It doesn't take a lot of money, if any. Sometimes just grabbing a friend, driving to a new place for a day and exploring can fatten up your piggy bank.

So here it is - 10 things you haven't thought of yet to make this weekend awesome.

1. Redecorate your apartment / move stuff around / wallpaper or decal your bathroom - anything that will make it feel like a new place. Ending a relationship might be the end of a chapter, but you've got a new chapter just starting, full of promise. Buy some new throw pillows and rejuvenate your living space. Make it as comfortable and as you as possible.

2. Go buy a canvas and some paint from your local art store, dig out that camera and shoot (or anything else creative that floats your boat) and have at it for the weekend. Focusing entirely on creativity for the weekend can bust you out of the funk in no time.

3. Find a pole dancing studio and start taking classes. Almost all the studios will do a home-based class where they bring a couple poles for you and 5 friends, and teach you hot moves for a couple hours. Not only is it a blast, it's an incredible workout. If you like it, invest in some classes. I've yet to find a workout more fulfilling, challenging and fun than pole dancing.

4. Go all Julie and Julia on yourself and try 10 recipes in 48 hours. Have a potluck to share them.

5. Volunteer at your local animal shelter. They're always in search of volunteers to play with the animals to get them used to kind human contact. Sometimes all it takes is a fuzzy critter to cheer you up.

6. Go salsa dancing with your girlfriends. Wear something hot and if you don't know how to salsa, go to the free-to-cheap dance lesson prior to the club opening. Salsa dancing is one place where everyone is just there to have a good time and it doesn't really matter how good you are as long as you're having fun. Same goes for line dancing, except bring your cowboy hat.

7. Take a weekend with a girlfriend or your best gay friend and plan out a route to hit all your favorite thrift stores/craft fairs/swap meets/garage sales to find some cheap, one-of-a-kind treasures.

8. If you feel like adventuring in nature, check out REI or a local outdoors supply store for their weekend events. They'll often lead hikes, camping trips, river rafting, kayaking, scuba diving trips, etc. Doing some active, adrenaline-rush-inducing and challenging for the weekend is an excellent perk-me-up. Plus, because it's an adventure, you'll bond with everyone else in the group and meet some cool new people.

9. Buy a guidebook for your city and try three things you've never tried before - sightseeing, historical tours, garden/architectural walks, etc.

10. Spend the weekend planning your dream vacation. Figure out your budget, things to see, places to stay, ideal guidebooks and itineraries, etc. and then start saving. Planning for the future is a great way to start looking forward.

All of these are about deciding you're going to give yourself a mini-vacation from your life, and doing it. Leave it all behind for a weekend. Don't think about your ex, or your job, or any of the other multitudes of stressors you might have in your life. You'll feel rejuvenated after 48 hours.

Happy healing!

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

This April, Fool Yourself Into Happiness

After break-ups, lay-offs and life's other bummer-ridden gems, pity parties have their place and can be helpful at first. However, there always comes a time when it's time to pick yourself up and blow the persistent metaphorical rain cloud out of your personal air space. But what happens if you're not actually feeling happy when you start getting the subtle signals from your inner circle that it's time to stop wallowing? The answer is simple: fake it until you make it.

Here are three ways to prank yourself into happiness.

Smile and stand up straight.
By doing things that your body does when you're actually happy, you can trick your body into thinking it's happy. So next time you feel bummed out, check your posture and which direction the corners of your mouth are facing -- you'll fool yourself into a merry mood in no time.

Pay a compliment.
A random girl in a coffee shop complimented me on my necklace the other day. It's my favorite necklace with a great story about how I found it, and after a couple minutes of chatting, we both walked away smiling. The next day, I was in the gym and saw a girl with fantastic abs. Remembering the warm fuzzy feelings I got from my necklace compliment (and also being on the perfect-ab goal-train myself), I decided to let her know I was impressed. Her response? Overwhelming gratitude. Apparently, she'd adopted a new exercise/diet routine six months ago after her relationship broke up as a way to work through the recovery process. I was the first person to compliment her (a self proclaimed desk potato) on something she'd become quite proud of. Again -- we both walked away smiling. So the next time you see someone wearing something, doing something or having something you think is exceptional, let them know. Paying heartfelt compliments to strangers is a great way to spread a little love. It makes them feel great,which makes you feel great.

Do something nice for yourself.
Reminding yourself of the good in your life -- small or big -- is a great way to add points to your personal happy-bank. So have an laughter-filled evening with good friends, buy yourself some pretty flowers, get a massage, go for a hike, settle down with a good book, or cuddle with your cat -- whatever small things you enjoy, do them. The little things can sometimes make the biggest difference. Seek out and enjoy life's small pleasures and you'll find happiness isn't far behind.

Perhaps you're one of those people who are happy 100% of the time. If you are -- rock on. However, if you're like me and can use a little pick-me-up every once and a while depending on what's happening and how you're feeling, use these techniques to boost your mood. Trick yourself into happy and make today a great day.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 Common Dating Mistakes You Don't Know You're Making

Dating is hard. It's also annoying, self-esteem crushing, and time-consuming. But it can also be amazing, self-confidence boosting, and simply so much fun. Dating is about more than just finding a partner - it's a good way to meet new people, work on your social interaction and communication skills, and experience new things.

When you begin dating again after a relationship ends, it's very easy to bring residual thoughts and actions from the past to the forefront, which can often keep that tiny spark from igniting into something more. Here are 5 common mistakes that we make in dating, yet don't even realize we're making them:

1. Tunnel vision.Don't limit your dating pool to your normal "type." Branch out of your dating comfort zone and give a chance to those you haven't previously considered (think age, looks, profession, location). You just might be surprised as to whom you meet and fall for.

2. Underestimating how much you have to offer.Be you; not what you think other people want (i.e. your mother, your friends or that guy you've had your eye on). Authenticity is sexy, and it goes hand in hand with confidence, adding up to a very attractive combination. Plus, if it clicks with someone, you'll know it's real.

3. Judging yourself.Confidence and friendliness count for way more than model looks -- in dating, and in life. You're human; you have flaws. Learn to rock your flaws instead of beating yourself up.

4. Expecting too much (or anything) on a first date.Having expectations about a first date almost always leads to disappointment, especially when you're first diving back into the game when your fear level is high. Avoid this by enjoying the company no matter what they're like. If it's great? Great -- go out again. If the date totally tanked? Enjoy a bad date for what it is -- a great story to tell your friends. Taking the pressure off makes for an enjoyable time, no matter what happens.

5. Cynic-syndrome.When you're in post break-up "I've-been-burned" mode, it's incredibly common (and natural) to assume the worst about people. Do your best to avoid this and you'll be pleasantly surprised how everyone isn't your evil ex. Letting go of cynicism is a major part of moving forward. This is a hard one, so be patient with yourself!

So, as you get back out into the dating world, take a step back and be aware of yourself, your thoughts, and how you are presenting yourself to the world. Remember these 5 common mistakes, know that you're not alone in thinking this way, and try to keep these mistakes from preventing a potential future happy relationship.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Also, view the version that was featured on Yahoo.com here.

Feeling Bummed? Put Up An Online Profile for Some No-Strings-Attached Ego-Boosting

When you’re feeling down -- either from post-breakup blues or from that persistently dark cloud that’s been haunting you lately -- it’s nice to have a pick-me-up. And it’s even better if it’s in the form of positive attention from total strangers. The normal path would be to put on your hottest outfit and go out with the girls for a night of ego-boosting free drinks and well-meaning, albeit clichéd compliments. But what happens if you’re not ready for actual human-to-human contact and you still want the attention? Fortunately, you have options.

Online dating.Pick your favorite site -- I like the free ones like okcupid.com -- and put up a profile. Select your top five favorite pictures from the last couple years where you look your most smoldering hot (bonus points for pictures on the beach that show off your killer physique). Pick and choose the questions you want to answer and respond in your wittiest fashion, but feel no pressure to answer all or even most of them. A couple of sentences will suffice. Then hit “Save” and pat yourself on the back for setting yourself up for some no-strings-attached, completely safe, relatively anonymous ego-boosting.And no letting the dark cloud negative voice in your head tell you you’re not attractive enough to garner attention on a dating site. Even if you didn’t get hit with the super-model stick, you’ll still get a lot of email -- emphasis on a lot. Most of it will be short and sweet: think subject line: “Hi”, message body: “You’re hot.” Some of it will be a bit weird ("I'd like to lick your ear"), and some of it from seemingly normal, intelligent guys whom you might consider responding to at a later date once you're feeling better. But all of it? All of it will be flattering.

Feel no pressure to respond -- after all, you’re doing this to give your bruised ego some R&R before you hit the dating scene again. What better way to do that than to accept compliments from well-meaning dudes? So grab your favorite cup of tea, cuddle up with your cat, turn on your laptop and bask in the complimentary glory. And if and when you’re ready, respond to the intriguing emails. You never know what might happen.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

What if I'm in high school?

I received an email a couple weeks ago from an enthusiastic fan, who happened to be in her second year of high school. She very astutely and aptly pointed out that many of the examples in Screw Cupid don't directly apply when you're in a situation (like high school) where you're around the same group of people everyday and who watch your every move, making opportunistic conversation with strangers challenging. She also asked for alternatives to "going out" to meet guys, since she's not of the legal drinking age yet.

Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:

"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."

You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.

Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.

Yours in problem solving,
S 

Compliments: Free Prozac

I was walking on the street a couple weeks ago, and this girl coming the other way stopped me, pointed at my shoes, said they were awesome and asked me where I got them. I shared my insider knowledge of this great local shoe place, and she and I both walked away smiling.

That weekend, I was at a party and saw this girl from across the room with the best hair I've ever seen in real life. We're talking shampoo ad hair - thick, wavy and enviably red. It was gorgeous. I recalled how nice it was to have the girl on the street compliment me, and decided to pay it forward by sharing how awesome I thought hair girl's hair was. So, I did. As it turns out, she was fresh out of a horrid break-up, had just gotten out of the salon with a haircut and color she hadn't tried before and although she liked it, was nervous about it. When I, a random girl a party, told her it was fantastic, she said it made her day. Her happiness was immediate and obvious, and made me feel great. We ended up talking for twenty minutes, decided we needed to hang out - and now I have a new friend. A lovely chain reaction started from a random girl on the street paying a compliment.

My point? Next time you see someone wearing something, doing something or having something you think is exceptional, let them know. Paying heartfelt compliments to strangers is a great way to spread a little love. It makes them feel great,which makes you feel great.

Yours in spreading the love,
S

How do others perceive me? Grain of salt needed.

Screw Cupid in Seattle has had two meetings so far, with the third coming up tomorrow night. Thanks to all the ladies that have come so far, and for the lively discussion.

One of the things that keeps coming up is the idea of perception - how others perceive us, how we perceive ourselves, and how to make those two views mix into a cohesive blend so that how we perceive ourselves matches how we hope to be perceived. Challenging? Yes.

This is because people's perceptions of others are ALWAYS colored by their past experiences, past relationships and perceptions of themselves. An unbiased opinion is impossible, because opinions (or perceptions), by definition, are always subjective. You either like it or you don't. Sure, there are similar groups of people who have similar opinions and perceptions, but there will always be another group standing up for the opposite side.

I, for instance, often run into other's perceived opinions of me before they even meet me. I have blonde hair. Couple that with the fact that the cover of my dating advice book is bright pink, and I often get pigeonholed as a ditzy girly-girl. This couldn't be further from how I perceive myself, and once people get to know me, they agree. Does this mean I should dye my hair dark (something I did in college as an experiment, and was shocked at how much more often my opinion was taken seriously - more on that another time), and make sure the next derivation of my book has a less girly cover? Of course not. I can't control how others perceive me or stereotype me because for every person who sees me the way I want to be seen, there are 20 more who see the opposite. However, I can control how I perceive me, and as long as I'm happy with that, I'm happy.

That said, this doesn't mean I ignore well-intentioned feedback. Perhaps you've got it all figured out, or perhaps you're like me and you're still growing and learning every day. I just make sure that when I hear feedback - both positive and negative - that I take it with a grain of salt, and remember that other's opinions of me are filtered through their perceptions of the world, and may not have much to do with me at all.

Yours in perception,
S

What if you see someone’s ad online, and you’re interested in them for whatever reason, BUT they don’t actually offer much factual or other info on which to base asking a neutral question. How do you pursue such a person neutrally if there’s nothing really obvious to use as the point of neutral connection?

This one is a bit tricky, since obviously you can't use Screw Cupid's techniques to the letter. I think the answer has three options.

Option 1 is to make something up for why you're contacting them - you're researching a book, you're conducting an informal poll, or you're contacting different profile types to find out what works. Since they list no info, how has their response rate been? Call them out on their lack of information.

Option 2 could be to admit that you're intrigued, but since they listed no distinguishing characteristics on their ad/profile, you'd like to know more. Then list 10 fun facts about yourself. If you're interesting, entertaining and/or intriguing enough in your fun facts, there's a good chance they'll respond in kind. You are admitting interest with this one, which can lower the chance of success, but I think it could work with the right person.

Option 3 is to disregard Screw Cupid's techniques (by immediately indicating you're interested) and admit you're intrigued by their ad/profile and would they be up for meeting for coffee to see if a connection exists? This is a long shot because it's the most basic response out there, but since there is a possibility of it working it may be worth a try - especially if you're not comfortable with the other two.

Yours in creative contact,
S

I think for introverts (like myself) your target of meeting 10 new men in one evening is unattainable, exhausting and out of the question! What do you recommend for the more introverted?

When I mention the 10 new guys a night option, I mention it only to show that's it's possible to meet this many, should you choose to. By no means am I advocating making yourself uncomfortable and exhausted trying to meet as many people as possible!

If you're feeling introverted, I recommend starting out small and getting more bold as you gain confidence and comfort. For example, practice just getting close enough to a guy you find attractive that you could start a conversation if you wanted to (with a reason to be there besides him, of course!). This is outlined clearly in Screw Cupid (pg. 64, "5 Techniques to Build Skills and Confidence").

Using openers to start conversations takes some practice and I want my readers to be comfortable. The point is to meet a guy you connect with, so take your time and enjoy the process.

Yours in connecting,
S