Why Dating Is So Fun for Some and So Hard for Others

For many of us, dating is incredibly challenging and delivers some major sucker-punches to our self esteem on a regular basis. For others, it seems to be a delightful, enjoyable and anticipated pastime that doesn't seem to have any negatives. What's with this vastly varying take on dating? Why is it easier for some than others? What is this latter category of daters' secret?


That secret is confidence and independence... and lots of it.


The act of dating -- of meeting new people and having someone to spend an hour with -- can provide relief from the loneliness that can sneak up on even the most independent of us. However, when we use dating as a cure for loneliness, our interactions with the person we're out with tend to take on much more significance than necessary. This makes the whole process a lot less fun.


When we're not feeling confident, we tend to seek validation from dating: validation of our attractiveness, validation that people like us, and validation that we're not alone. As a result, we tend to place a ton of pressure on ourselves to find-someone-right-now and fill the void. This turns each dating interaction into a pressure-filled pit of anxiety about whether or not they like us, whether or not we like them and, if we do, whether or not this person The-Next-One potential. Plus, regardless of whether we're interested in pursuing something with them, if they're not into us, it can cause some major self-esteem downward spirals. Yikes.


The secret is that those that enjoy dating don't place any weight on their interactions with those they date -- if it's fun, it's fun. If it's not, they don't worry about it. If someone doesn't dig them, it's a non-issue. If they don't dig them, it's no big deal. They accept it and move on, with no lasting blows to their egos. They know that even when they do get lonely, finding relief from randoms in the dating world isn't the way to go. Instead, they seek out quality time with friends, family and/or ferret out new social circles through taking a new class, volunteering or exploring a new hobby. They know that all of these are far better ways to combat loneliness and low self-esteem than seeking a lift from a stranger on a date.


So, the next time a date threatens to throw us into the depths of a self-esteem-trounce-athon, remember that we can choose to let the date throw us off our game and ruin our night, or we can let it go and move on.


Schedule some time with friends that make us laugh. Sign up for a marathon to finally hit those fitness goals we've been thinking about for the last two years. Because when we remember that we're in charge of how we feel and we're in charge of our own lives, happiness, confidence and independence, we're happier people -- who can enjoy dating.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Flying Solo = Win

Think about the last time you fell into one of those random but awesome conversations with someone: maybe it was at the coffee shop, the bookstore, at the farmer’s market or at happy hour. Chances are good that both you and the random-conversation-someone were both cruising solo (or at least were temporarily separated from your respective groups.)

This is because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to talk to people when they’re not surrounded by a huge group of their fifteen closest friends (or even just plus one or two). And while your new crush hanging in a large group is not an insurmountable challenge, it’s a hell of lot easier to engineer a “random” conversation with them when they’re separated or are by themselves. Conversation itself is a lot less intimidating when it’s one on one, versus trying to engage two or three or ten other people at the same time, and most of us are far more comfortable with random conversation with attractive people we don’t know when there’s just one of them.

So, in the interest of making it easier for those who may want to talk to you, consider flying solo the next time you want to be out and about. Or, if that seems totally crazy, separate yourself from the peeps for a while the next time you’re out with them and give the 98% of the population who shudders at the thought of approaching a large group a chance to talk to you. Friends rock for lots of reasons, but can unfortunately act as a giant deflector shield when there’s someone cute who wants to talk to you.

Coffee shops, bookstores, farmer’s markets, happy hours, concerts, festivals — all are great places to meet cool people without deviating from your normal going-out patterns. And snagging another microbrew, latte or giving in to your truly epic need to continue the search for the perfect kumquat are all great excuses to be on your own for a bit (and make yourself available to awesome conversation with attractive people you don’t know yet).

Yours in random awesomeness, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

(Image by: John Althouse Cohen)

He Notices When I Notice. Help!

Q: I've just finished your book and I need to know how I can apply your techniques to my current situation. There is this guy at my job that I think is cute and I'm interested in but given the fact that we work together and he's kind of quiet, I'm not sure how to do the whole "non-approach" approach that you discussed throughout your book. To make matters worse, a couple of times when he got a hair cut I complimented him and told him he looked nice (including today); he usually just says "thank you" but today he said "you always notice." So, now he notices when I notice his haircuts (to be fair to myself, I notice everyone's new hairstyle/cut---I'm an observant person). Is it too late to put your techniques into effect? Can this situation be redeemed? Can I gain the upper hand? Help! - Stephanie

A: The situation is definitely redeemable. I would take his noticing you noticing him a positive, actually. It's flattering to have someone notice small changes in your appearance, and he wouldn't have said anything if he wasn't flattered (regardless of what he sounded like when he said it). I would make a point of letting him hear you compliment someone else on a change in their appearance to let it be known that he's not the only one you pay attention to. This will put you on neutral ground again, if you're not already doing this.

Then, I would go into one of the more chatty openers the next time it's appropriate - maybe when he's waiting for the elevator, or at lunch. My suggestion is to pretend to get a voicemail from your friend at the exact moment you're near him, and then say, "Can I ask you a quick question? My girlfriends and I need a guy opinion. My friend Julie went out with this guy last week, they had a great time, and he just called her and said "See you around". What does that mean, in guy-speak? Is he interested?" Keep it low-key, kind of funny and cool. Make sure it's clear you didn't seek him out to ask the question, but rather he just "happened" to be the guy closest to you when you had a guy question. From there, you can morph into "What are you up to this weekend" talk to establish a connection with him. Since he's shy, he may not take the bait and ask you out, so you could organize a small-ish group to go to happy hour after work sometime soon and invite him. Once he's there (out of the work environment), you can start to flirt a bit. I bet he'll respond.

Good luck! I hope it goes well.

If you have a question, feel free to email me at sam@screwcupidthebook.com. I'd love to hear from you!

5 Ways to Get Out There and Jump Into Spring

Spring is traditionally a time for falling in love. The flowers are blooming, the air gets warmer so shoulders and shapely calves are visible again after being hidden under cozy wool sweaters and jeans for months and months, and there's a certain excitement in the air. After a break-up, you may not be ready to dive back into the dating game, but you can certainly enjoy the tangential benefits of being around all this friskiness.

Try these get-out-there-and-enjoy-life tips this weekend:

1. Spend an afternoon catching up on all those phone calls with old friends you have on your list. Laughing at old memories is a guaranteed pick-me-up.

2. Volunteer at (or sign up for) an adventure race, a marathon, 10K, 5K, triathlon or any other outdoor sporting event. Whether you're there to help or participating, being around lots of people doing great things is a great mood lifter. The vibe at the end of a race is unmatched by any other -- it's a fantastic place to be.

3. Go on a food tasting/ coffee tasting/ chocolate tasting tour of your city with a friend or two or five. These are amazingly fun and you'll probably find some new favorite spots. Re-introducing yourself to your city after a hiatus and making new (happy) memories is a great way to move forward.

4. Volunteer with a local beach clean up, tree planting, or Habitat for Humanity group for the weekend. You'll meet tons of new people, and having something to do that has a positive impact is great for your emotional piggy bank.

5. Do a one-day mini road trip with friends to a local small town or scenic destination. Pick something that's about 2 hours away and make a mix-tape of all your favorite songs for the road. Have lunch, walk around and then head back. Getting away and having fun, even for just a little while, is a great way to jump back in and remind yourself of the great things you have in your life.

Spring is a beautiful time of year and a great time to be getting out there and back into life. No matter where you are in your journey of bouncing back, now's a great time to take a moment and enjoy the good in life.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Feeling Bummed? Put Up An Online Profile for Some No-Strings-Attached Ego-Boosting

When you’re feeling down -- either from post-breakup blues or from that persistently dark cloud that’s been haunting you lately -- it’s nice to have a pick-me-up. And it’s even better if it’s in the form of positive attention from total strangers. The normal path would be to put on your hottest outfit and go out with the girls for a night of ego-boosting free drinks and well-meaning, albeit clichéd compliments. But what happens if you’re not ready for actual human-to-human contact and you still want the attention? Fortunately, you have options.

Online dating.Pick your favorite site -- I like the free ones like okcupid.com -- and put up a profile. Select your top five favorite pictures from the last couple years where you look your most smoldering hot (bonus points for pictures on the beach that show off your killer physique). Pick and choose the questions you want to answer and respond in your wittiest fashion, but feel no pressure to answer all or even most of them. A couple of sentences will suffice. Then hit “Save” and pat yourself on the back for setting yourself up for some no-strings-attached, completely safe, relatively anonymous ego-boosting.And no letting the dark cloud negative voice in your head tell you you’re not attractive enough to garner attention on a dating site. Even if you didn’t get hit with the super-model stick, you’ll still get a lot of email -- emphasis on a lot. Most of it will be short and sweet: think subject line: “Hi”, message body: “You’re hot.” Some of it will be a bit weird ("I'd like to lick your ear"), and some of it from seemingly normal, intelligent guys whom you might consider responding to at a later date once you're feeling better. But all of it? All of it will be flattering.

Feel no pressure to respond -- after all, you’re doing this to give your bruised ego some R&R before you hit the dating scene again. What better way to do that than to accept compliments from well-meaning dudes? So grab your favorite cup of tea, cuddle up with your cat, turn on your laptop and bask in the complimentary glory. And if and when you’re ready, respond to the intriguing emails. You never know what might happen.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

What if I'm in high school?

I received an email a couple weeks ago from an enthusiastic fan, who happened to be in her second year of high school. She very astutely and aptly pointed out that many of the examples in Screw Cupid don't directly apply when you're in a situation (like high school) where you're around the same group of people everyday and who watch your every move, making opportunistic conversation with strangers challenging. She also asked for alternatives to "going out" to meet guys, since she's not of the legal drinking age yet.

Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:

"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."

You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.

Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.

Yours in problem solving,
S 

1/1/XX Resolutions

I've always had a mixed relationship with New Years resolutions. On the one hand, it seems silly to only re-evaluate once a year, make some goals and then inevitably forget them by March. On the other hand, there is a natural pull to take a look at your life. After all, the number at the end of the date is changing, and is a very real, very tangible reminder of the passage of time. Plus, unless you live in a cave, it's almost impossible to ignore the self-reinvention propaganda hurling itself at you from every direction. On that note, did you know that January is the biggest self-help book sales month of the year?
Typically, my goals are more of the big, crazy dream variety: appear on Oprah, write a New York Times bestseller, allow the six-pack I know is in there to emerge, and meet Ryan Reynolds. While there is clearly nothing wrong with big, crazy goals, they're not exactly practical.

Since Oprah failed to call me the second my book came out (shocking, I know), I've managed to incorporate some practicality into my New Years resolutions over the last couple years, namely in the form of trying something new that  freaks me out. The logic was that if I force myself into situations where I'm forced to grow as a person (by surviving something I was scared of), then I'll *actually* grow as a person.

The choice last year was scuba diving - while I'm very at home in the water, my ridiculous fear of sharks and the thought of running out of air totally and completely freaked me out. So, I signed up for a certification class. I got through it without losing any limbs or air, (which was great) and learned that my fears were totally unfounded. I try to remember this whenever I'm confronted with something I'm not comfortable with, and have been able to gain a lot of strength from it.

Maybe you're not afraid of anything and already know that you can do whatever you want to do. If this is the case, well done. You're awesome. If, however, you're more like me and have any number of things you're freaked out about, I highly recommend pushing yourself out of your cozy zone and into the cold. You'll be pleasantly surprised as the results.

PS - This year I'm going to try cross-country skiing. It sounds hard, and I've heard there are bears and cougars to worry about. :-)

Yours outside the comfort zone,
S

I don't think some of the openers used as examples in Screw Cupid would work in real life. Are you really suggesting I go up to some guy and ask him about why guys grunt in the gym?

I used the example of men grunting in the gym multiple times in Screw Cupid as a humorous tool for demonstrating how openers work, and with the hope that my readers would laugh, and then think about what they personally might want to use to initiate a neutral conversation.

The "grunting man" conversational gambit does work, but as I say in the book, it depends on the context. You wouldn't want to use a funnier, more ballsy opener like the grunting opener in a coffee shop or in your photography class, nor would you want to use it if it doesn't fit with your personality type. If you're more on the shy side, one of the examples about needing information about a nearby restaurant, or a gift, or dating advice for your friend could all be good bets.

Ultimately, Screw Cupid is about learning how to initiate conversation with the men you want to talk to (and to see if you click with them) - the opener is just the door that gets you into the conversational room. Once you're there, be yourself. By using your personality as a guide, you can find an opener that fits both you and the situation. And remember - you don't need to stress too much about that initial opening question. If you click with this guy, he'll remember way more about the conversation as a whole, rather than what you said to start talking to him.

Yours in contextual conversation,
S

I think for introverts (like myself) your target of meeting 10 new men in one evening is unattainable, exhausting and out of the question! What do you recommend for the more introverted?

When I mention the 10 new guys a night option, I mention it only to show that's it's possible to meet this many, should you choose to. By no means am I advocating making yourself uncomfortable and exhausted trying to meet as many people as possible!

If you're feeling introverted, I recommend starting out small and getting more bold as you gain confidence and comfort. For example, practice just getting close enough to a guy you find attractive that you could start a conversation if you wanted to (with a reason to be there besides him, of course!). This is outlined clearly in Screw Cupid (pg. 64, "5 Techniques to Build Skills and Confidence").

Using openers to start conversations takes some practice and I want my readers to be comfortable. The point is to meet a guy you connect with, so take your time and enjoy the process.

Yours in connecting,
S

The thought of initiating conversation makes me feel like I'm going to puke. How do I get over this?

I hear you. The good news is that the more you do this, the less nervous you'll become and the better you'll get at it. For me, opening a Hot Guy is a very similar experience to public speaking. I get nervous and I get butterflies. I sometimes even do that nervous slight sweat thing, but once I’m in, I’m totally fine. I’ve gotten to the point now where I love the nerves—they keep me sharp and the rush is great. Practice is the key - it makes a huge difference in your comfort level, especially if you're a bit shy and aren't used to initiating conversation with people.

Also, if you think about how these openers are staged, it would be natural for you to be a bit nervous—you are asking a random stranger for advice, after all. So if you feel nervous, let it show a little bit. I find it works best when I don’t stare at the guy the whole time. I also look up or down when I’m “thinking” about something, like their response. You want to make this as realistic as possible. If you’re starting to talk too fast for them to understand you, or you’re stuttering or fidgeting or otherwise conveying that you are freaked out, you may want to practice a bit more. Otherwise he’ll wonder what’s up.

Yours in not puking,
S