Dating Dish: Dateless to the Office Holiday Party?

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

Dateless to the Office Holiday Party? 

Anniversary Determination

For the coupled up who aren’t married, what event marks the beginning of our relationships (and the date of which determines our anniversaries)? Is it the first date? The first sexual encounter? The DTR talk ? The first “I love you” day? If you were friends or knew each other for a period of time before you actually started dating, do you count your anniversary as the day you met, especially if sparks flew and you knew you liked that person, even if circumstances prevented you from making a move? Is it the day you first hooked up? The first official romantic, non-friend date? The day you admit your feelings for each other? 

In my informal conversations with people, it appears that the most common way the anniversary date is determined is to retroactively use the date of the first romantic date, after the DTR has occurred. This makes sense: if you were to use the first date as the anniversary marker prior to any DTRing, the chances of totally freaking out your date by celebrating your “anniversary” of your “relationship” with them are pretty high. After all, I think most would agree that anniversary (in a romantic situation), implies that both parties are fully aware of what’s being celebrated — when it’s one-sided, it’s obsession or stalking.


Another benefit of using the first date (retroactively) as the determination of the anniversary, assuming the DTR happens about three weeks to a month into dating, is that you automatically get to add a month or so to your coupledom. This gives you street cred with other couples and at parties, since the question of “How long have you guys been together” is always one of the first things asked, is one of those questions we use to measure each other up when we’re getting to know one another and the answer to which lets the questioning party assume volumes about you: how solid are you as a couple, how well do you know each other, how serious it is and, how likely it is to last.


In the beginning of a relationship, each month together marks an exciting milestone and an accomplishment, since so many things fizzle after just a short time. Recognizing each month you still like each other and want to be together is a big deal and is cause for celebration, whatever event you choose to mark the beginning. 

Yours in anniversarating, S


Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

Credits: Image by istolethetv

Friends First

When trying to figure out if those you meet online, in person and at Jimmy’s rager of a party last weekend are long-term relationship compatible, one question that I think gets overlooked in the “Definitely” vs. “Not sure” debate is whether or not you would be friends with this person if you took away the sexual component of your relationship.

Do they make you laugh? Do they get you? Do you have a good time with them? Are you comfortable around them?Can you talk to them?Do they have your back?

Don’t get me wrong: sexual chemistry is extremely important in a relationship and is something deserving of major consideration when determining compatibility and, if things go well, exclusivity. But having someone to hang with that you dig as a person as well as wanting to rip their clothes off? That’s awesome.

When in the dating game, we’re often faced with so many different packages of personality, looks, likes/dislikes, sense of humor, dreams/goals and hobbies, that it becomes overwhelming. It’s such a challenge to sort through and figure out who, if any, of the people we’re currently dating, hoping to date or looking for are right for us. As a result, we look to sexual chemistry to guide us because it’s easy. You KNOW when you think someone is attractive. It doesn’t require deep, introspective thought. However, great chemistry can be overwhelming, hard to see through and blind us to anything but sex. Plus, finding the perfect person(s) for each one of us is a challenge, and it’s incredibly enriching and a helpful to date people who are not entirely right for us so that we can better figure out what is right for us. We learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and how to navigate a relationship each time we have one.

However, letting our decisions about relationships be guided solely by great chemistry can make it difficult to see the whole picture and, more often than not, if we chase only the sex and don’t think about whether or not the person in question is fun to hang with when we’re not having sex with them, making it long-term can be challenging. My point is that when we’re over being involved in things that don’t work out and we’re serious about searching for our next big relationship, it’s worth it to take a minute and figure out whether or not this person has potential as both a friend and as someone who frequently pushes our sexual chemistry buttons.

Yours in BFFs (with benefits), S

Credits: Image by pedrosimoes7

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes) on September 6, 2010, where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

Want to meet someone? Leave the house.

A total “duh” answer, I know, so bear with me: this is one that crops up again and again even among those of us who swear we go out ALL THE TIME. Lethargy, feeling disenchanted with the whole dating scene and being just plain tired of trying, all sit securely in the “there’s no point, so why try” cheering camp. Before we know it, we’ve spent both weekend days inside our apartments — reorganizing the closet and/or spice rack, playing video games or just chilling in our own company. And the days? The days are when it happens. People are more low-key and relaxed during the day and so it’s much easier to have those awesome, random conversations that can turn into more than just “that fun guy/girl I met in the coffee shop/bookstore/park.”

Don’t get me wrong — there’s nothing wrong with a little self-imposed hibernation now and again. If anything, it’s needed and healthy to take a staycation from our lives and put aside some time to do that weird stuff that occupies our time when we live alone (or at least have our own room in a shared house). However, staying in ALL the time is bad news for our love lives because unfortunately, rarely is the pizza or sushi delivery guy or gal as sexy (and willing and available) as we dream them to be (or as they always seem to be in porn).

The excuses for not leaving the house are plentiful and easy to come by, largely because it’s must easier to chill at home in our Snuggies or Slankets than it is to get dressed, find a reason to leave and go out. The next time they try to seduce you into yet another Project Runway marathon, give these excuses the finger. Weekend morning coffee drinker? Bring a book or your favorite newspaper and go sit at your local coffee shop for a couple hours on Sunday. Bored? Peruse a bookstore or check out that new art gallery down the street. It’s not necessary to have a point every time we go out — we can simply be out for the sake of being out, and for the sake of interacting with other breathing, warm-bodied (hopefully attractive and cool) fellow humans. And if the peeps aren’t available? Go without them. Being out by yourself is a fantastic way to make new friends, and who knows — you might just meet your next date.

Yours in avoiding spice-rack organization, S

Photo Credit: Infrogmation

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

What to expect and how to behave on that most momentous of days -- the first date after a bad breakup or a divorce -- is often a mystery. Even if the relationship didn't last that long, when the breakup is traumatic enough to negatively affect your life, it doesn't matter how long or short the relationship was. When we dive in to something deeply enough, we forget what it is to be without that person -- and that is what makes the breakup so difficult. We have to learn to be single again, and how to date as this new person we've become. All of this adds up to making the first date after the breakup a Really Big Deal.

Here are the first five of fifteen tips to make the first date transition a little easier.

1. Don't talk about your past relationship. It may be tempting -- after all, that relationship may be all you've known for the last two or ten or thirty years. Instead, talk about things that you like to do, books you've read, movies you like, and places you've visited. If a funny story fits into the conversation that your ex was a part of (because, say, you were on vacation together when this event occurred), gloss over it by not mentioning your ex at all, or by referring to them as your ex and leaving it at that. No further explanation needed. After all, your ex is (hopefully) not the point of the story and serves no greater relevance than setting the scene.

2. Don't let the fear rule. Instead, expect fear and embrace it. Unless you're a superhero with iron-clad confidence, it's totally natural and normal to be freaked out about a first date. So instead of focusing on the fear and letting it rule your day or week leading up to the date, acknowledge it and let it go. It's there. It doesn't deserve any further attention than a "Hello."

 3. Don't have any expectations. Instead, expect nothing from the date. This date may turn out to be a ton of fun, or it may tank, or it may be mediocre. You have no way of knowing ahead of time what will happen. First dates can be nerve-inducing when they're just everyday first dates. When they're the first date after a big hiatus? It's easy to work yourself into a flurry of what ifs. To avoid this and enjoy the evening, get rid of any and all expectations about them, about how the date will go, and any potential outcome of the date. This will allow you to enjoy your time getting to know this person without stressing that things are or aren't going as you expected.

4. Don't rebound. This person does not have to be your next relationship. In fact, unless you're totally and truly over your past relationship and are totally happy and secure with yourself, it's probably a good idea to get used to the dating game again (and to get used to being single and getting to know yourself as a whole rather than one-half of a relationship) before you dive into something new. Focus on making friends and if something happens down the line? Great. If not, no worries.

5. Don't pressure yourself. Recovering from a major breakup can sometimes take years. So go at your own pace. When you're ready to date, you'll date. There's no set, proper time-frame for bouncing back and moving on.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in our lives. It just sucks. That first date after your divorce is a physical representation to yourself that you're ready to move forward with your life, and as such can be a totally scary, nerve-wracking, nervous sweat-inducing event. Taking the pressure off yourself and what the date means can do wonders for making it fun rather than scary. And when you're bouncing back and trying to move forward, scary is bad. So, be yourself, don't pressure yourself into feeling or doing anything you're not ready for, and most of all, remember to enjoy it for what it is: a fun couple hours with a potential new friend.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Stoked About Getting Dumped

We all fall into one of two categories: the dumpers and the dumpees. There is some overlap, but most of us have a preference when it comes to ending a relationship, fling, or changing the status of “friends with benefits” to “just friends”. The dumpers are the people who dump before they can get dumped, or — more nicely put — they are more proactive and end something when an end is needed.

The dumpees (usually my M.O.) beat the dead horse of a relationship until they get dumped so they don’t have to confront the problem, or in other words, they want to be absolutely sure that the relationship should end so they keep it going for as long as it takes to eliminate all possibility of regret.Yes, I generalize. Obviously there are exceptions and often — as is the case with relationships — extenuating circumstances. Only rarely does breaking something off work out so that both parties walk away happy.

This rare circumstance found a friend of mine recently.

My friend (we’ll call her Betsy), had gone on about ten dates with this guy she had originally scoped out on an online dating site (one far less superior to PickV, so it’s not even worth mentioning), but didn’t hear back from when she sent him an email. Used to the crap-shoot that can be online dating emailing, she let it go and moved on. That weekend, she was at a friend’s house party and much to her surprise, so was this guy. Her friend introduced them, not knowing that they already had a connection, and as soon as their mutual friend left them to talk, the guy said, “I’m so sorry I didn’t email you back. It’s been a crazy week at work, and I haven’t had any time for anything but eating, sleeping and working. I was going to email you back next week, but this is way better. Hi.” Betsy smiled. The guy smiled. A connection was born.

After about four months and ten dates (the first of which Betsy swears was in her top five best dates ever), things fizzled, as they do. Both Betsy and the guy had other online-born connections that they would occasionally go out with, and Betsy and the guy kept having schedule conflicts, which didn’t allow them to bond as quickly as some of the other connections they both had. End result: after a few months, Betsy was feeling like it was time to call it, and try a friendship with the guy instead. She liked him as a person, but the romantic spark hadn’t lasted past the first date.

She was nervous about talking to him, since she didn’t know where he stood or what he was feeling. She is also a fan of being the dumpee, so switching sides and initiating an end was a new situation for her. She finally psyched herself up enough to make the phone call (she decided doing it in person was too intense for their particular situation), and when she got him on the phone, he seemed really happy to hear from her — relieved, almost. Cringing, she started into her pre-prepared talk, but only got as far as “So, I’ve been thinking…” before the connection cut out and she was unable to get him back on the phone. A couple hours later, after trying him twice more to no avail, she received an email from him: “Betsy — I wanted to talk to you about this earlier when you called, but now my phone is dead and after it cut out I couldn’t call you back. I really didn’t want to do this over email (I like you more than that), but I think we should just be friends. I think you’re a great person, but I’m just not feeling a spark. Let me know if you still want to hang. I totally get if you don’t, so no pressure, OK?”

How stoked was Betsy? Very stoked. It’s so… nice when things work out like this and no one gets hurt, right? Here’s to hoping that the next time you find that the spark has fizzled, whichever side you prefer (dumper or dumpee), things work out every time as well as Betsy and her dude.

Yours in pleasant endings, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

5 Easy-To-Plan Themed Parties to Kick Off Your Summer

Parties are fun all year round, but in the summer when we're all a little more relaxed and fun-loving, adding some sparkle to your parties with a fun theme can make a huge difference in attendance and give your crew a chance to enjoy the hell out of a Saturday night. Plus, the more enticing the party is, the more likely it is your friends will bring friends -- one or more of whom may end up being your next date. Here are five easy-to-plan, very-low-stress plug-and-play parties that require only a light cleaning of your apartment, some simple supplies and an Evite account.

1. Blind Taste Test: Cheap Beer / Wine. Request that everyone who attends brings their favorite cheap wine or beer ($5 or under). Once they arrive, wrap the bottles in masking tape (so that no one knows what they're drinking), give each bottle a number, and begin the tasting. Everyone votes for a favorite and most likely, hilarity will ensue when the crowd realizes that Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's is the winner.

2. Jello-Flavor Party. Everyone attending dresses in a monochromatic color, limited by the colors of the flavors of Jello. Serve your favorite Jello concoction and enjoy the rainbow of ridiculousness caused by you and your friends dressed in head to toe bright yellow (or green, blue, red or purple). Don't forget the camera.
 

3. Clothes Swap Party. The requirement to enter is to wear something you don't want anymore (with bonus points given for going thrift store shopping ahead of time and wearing something completely ridiculous). The goal is to leave wearing something entirely different, and hopefully that you actually might wear. Barter and swap clothing during the party to get what you want. Hilarity, some partial nudity and a whole lot of fun is guaranteed.
 

4. Best Drink Party. All guests (or groups of guests) must bring the fixings for their favorite drink: the more outrageous the better. Each drink gets a separate station, and everyone tries everything. Votes are cast and the winner gets a token prize. If people choose drinks that are unusual and uncommon, this can be an educational experience as well as a fun party.
 

5. Wine and Cheese Party. The caveat with this one is to bring really, really cheap wine and really, really hight quality cheese. The name of the party sounds classy and posh, but it ends up being a whole lot of giggly fun when you juxtapose cheap wine with really good cheese. Enjoy the epicurean nightmare.

Themed parties are great because they give the guests something to do and talk about, and when everyone is doing the same thing, creates common ground on which to stand. Themes create easy conversation spaces and when there's a goal, push people to mingle and talk to those they might not have otherwise. When you're dealing with combining groups of friends who don't know each other that well or with friends of friends coming into the mix, this is especially useful. Plus, themed parties are often good for several hours of stress-busting fun and laughter, which deepens bonds between friends and can easily create a bond between those who just met. So whether you're trolling for your next date or just want to spend a beautiful summer night in good company, theme parties are an easy, make-them-come-to-you answer.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Online Date Fail: How to Handle It

Sometimes — even when the chemistry online is so hot any other outcome but life-long bliss seems impossible — when you meet said online profile in person, it can be a there’s-no-way-this-would-ever-work-out disaster. This isn’t anyone’s fault. The Internet can only give us so many hints about whether or not we’ll be compatible, attracted to and/or have chemistry with someone when we meet them in the physical realm. Beyond the obvious problems that can potentially arise from dishonest or exaggerated profiles, there are things you get in person — how you feel around them, smell, body language, how attractive they are to you in three dimensions — that you can’t get through IMing, emailing and profile stalking.

So what happens when you encounter an online-arranged date fail? When things don’t stack up in person and you know it, how long do you hang in there before bailing, and what do you say?

I think most would agree that hanging in there for 20-30 minutes is both long enough to show respect for the person who took time out of their day to come meet with you and also to give any potential bonding a fair shot, but isn’t so long that either you or they will feel like they wasted their whole afternoon on a date that went nowhere. The 20-30 minute goal is a perfect argument for why first online dates should be drinks or coffee based, and not meal based. Unless you’re grabbing hot dogs from a street stand, a meal will almost definitely commit you to more than 30 minutes. Anyone who has gone on a few bad online dates knows the wisdom of not roping yourself into an extended period of time with someone you may actively have anti-chemistry with.

As far as how to politely and respectfully bail after you’ve burned your tongue on your coffee in an effort to speed the 20 minutes along, I’m from the camp of just being honest — not brutally so, but honest enough that your feelings are clear about any potential future dates with this person. Something like the following works well: “Hey, thanks for the drink” (if they bought) or “Thanks for meeting me for coffee”, followed by, “It was really nice to meet you, but I’m just not feeling a connection, romantically. I wish you the best.” You’re being straight up about not feeling anything for them, which isn’t arguable — you feel how you feel. Being honest during the date and letting them know where you stand is a more stand-up way to deal with non-connection than to not return emails or phone calls in a few days when they ask you for a second installment.

Sometimes, the anti-romantic chemistry is present on both sides, and being honest will result in a friendship — one you may not have fostered if one or both of you turned to the unanswered emails and phone calls route. If one of you feels it and the other doesn’t, being honest may feel a bit brutal, but will ultimately be respected more than the alternative. I know I’d much rather hear it straight than be ignored.

Yours in stand-up honesty, S
(Credits: Image by www.charlietphoto.com)

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

5 Ways to Get Outside, Meet Your Next Date, and Have a Blast

Summer is here and if you’re recovering from a break-up, now is the perfect time to utilize the many benefits of being single in the warmest, laziest time of year. One of the easiest ways to meet new people (remembering that even if you’re not ready to date again, it’s always great to find new people to laugh with), is to take a co-ed sports class. When that class is outdoors, teaches you a new skill, gives you a great work-out and is full of fun and attractive people enjoying life, it adds up to a fantastic make-you-smile combination. Here are five fun outdoor summer activities that give you a work-out and easy access to your next date.

1. Beach Volleyball. Even if you don’t live on a beach, there will be a park with sand where people play this incredibly fun sport. Community centers, colleges and private clubs alike offer classes, ranging from beginner to expert. Wherever you fall on that scale, you’ll be surrounded by attractive, tanned, fun-loving people. Plus, it’s a fantastic work-out.

2. Sailing. Sun, water and a humbling day of dinging around on a small sailboat is a fantastic way to bond with your classmates -- no one knows what they’re doing and it’s a real challenge to do any serious damage to anyone or anything. End result? Hilarity. Plus, once you understand the mechanics of sailing a tiny boat, the bigger ones will be much easier to learn. Then, you can hang out with the local sailing club, giving you access to an even bigger group of outdoorsy, water loving people.

3. Rock Climbing. Although probably the most physically challenging of the five, it’s arguably the most fun. There’s nothing like successfully scaling a wall with the sun beating down on you and being cheered on by your fellow newbies. You’ll do things you never imagined you could, and walk away with some seriously envy-inducing shoulders. Plus, never was there a place with so many attractive, healthy people than in a rock-climbing gym.

4. Golf. One of the most popular weekend activities, golf is one of those sports for which the mechanics and frustrations can provide hours of easy-to-keep-going conversation. Once you’re ready to play a game on your own, you can ask to be put with people at your level. Four hours walking around a golf course is a great workout, and an even better bonding situation. You’ll walk away with three new friends, and perhaps your next date.

5. Kayaking. Depending on where you go, kayaking varies in its challenges. The one common factor? A great upper-body workout. It’s also one of those sports, like hiking, where you can easily find a group (led by a professional) to join and spend a weekend with. The immediate bond you feel with nature when it’s just you and a paddle is amazing, and incredibly healing.

Being outside is a proven mood lifter; as is exercise. Taking a outdoor sports-based class gives you a work-out and also provides you with a fail-safe way to make new friends because you’ll always have something to talk about when you’re in a class together, and the bonding that comes with being schooled in humility when we learn something new creates instant friendships. If you’re ready to date and no one in your class fits the mold, these new friends will fold you into their circle and you’ll meet even more potential dates. Any way you look at it, outdoor summer classes or professionally led group trips add up to a win-win way to spend a few hours on a weekend.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

The DTR

The DTR (“Define the Relationship”): that necessary but nervous-sweat-inducing conversation that every couple must have (besides perhaps an arranged marriage). How many dates must pass before the talk? What’s the best way to do it? What if they’re not feeling the same way and the DTR causes a premature end to your (or their) live-in-the-now happiness?

When to DTR: This varies from relationship to relationship, so instead of following some arbitrary timeline, do it when it feels right. The DTR should happen when you start feeling ready to take things to the next level. If you’re feeling excited about them and want to see what happens in an exclusive setting, bring it up.

The other situation in which to DTR is if you’re getting the impression that they’re way more into you than you are into them (and/or feel like maybe they’re thinking exclusivity when you’re not). Put yourself in their shoes and treat them well, even if you think their assumptions about your relationship are out of line. Being honest about where you stand and getting everyone on the same page is huge, especially when feelings get involved. 

How to DTR: Couching the DTR as a serious talk may be mistaken for the break-up speech, so avoid talking about having the DTR before you actually do. If the person you’re with hears “I want to talk about something with you”, they’ll be on the defensive to protect themselves in case what you have to say isn’t good — no one loves getting dumped. Instead, bring it up the next time you’re both happy and comfortable and in a low-key but positive way: “Hey — I like you. I want to see where this will go. How are you feeling about us?” Then, have a conversation and figure out where you both stand. If you’re in the same place, brilliant. If not, talk about it.

When you want to go from many to one: If you’re currently dating multiple people and would like to be dating just one, hen you mention you’d like to be exclusive with them that one person will pick up on the fact that they were not (up until the DTR) the sole member of your happy-time club. If they subscribe to the popular belief that until the DTR, everything is fair game, they’ll be fine with this. If they don’t, listen and talk it through. Hopefully they’ll see your side.

A successful DTR requires both grace and tact, and an understanding of the position of the person you’re DTRing. Honesty, respect and communication are golden. No one likes to feel like they’ve been played, or to be in a position where they’re getting hurt or are hurting someone else. Don’t fall prey to wussiness or a douchebaggery: talk about where you stand when you get to the point of moving forward or out.

Yours in happy DTRing, S

(Credits: Image by mando2003us)

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

Facebook Flirting 101

Facebook isn’t the college reunion it was five years ago, where privacy was tighter than a spandex leotard and you could post just about anything without fear that a picture of you pole-dancing at that one party in college would surface during a job interview ten years later. Now it’s a free-for-all, highly visible, real-time accounting of our lives — both personal and professional — that requires us to keep our profiles G-rated, un-tagged and highly edited if we don’t want our professional lives to crash and burn. When you add the potentially explosive and unknown quantity of new romance into the mix, it’s necessary to keep a tight leash on FB interaction to keep our online personas from imploding.

Since we all flirt, we all have Facebook profiles and we all have jobs we’d like to keep, here are some helpful tips for how to handle some of the more common challenges of flirting in the modern Facebook age. 

1. Keep your cyber-stalking habits on stealth mode. When you’re cruising through all 45 of your crush’s photo albums on FB, don’t go crazy with the picture commenting. Same goes for “liking” - it’s a little less intense, but too many instances of “John likes this”, and things will get weird fast. I once accepted a friend request from this guy I was in a class with, and he wrote a comment on almost every single one of my over 400 pictures. Weird? Yes — unfriending happened quickly thereafter. Besides looking obsessive, it makes the object of your affection wonder why you don’t have something better to do with your time. Keep the comments to only one or two of the truly exceptional pictures. If you must respond to status updates, make sure you don’t do it more than once every couple weeks.

2. Think before you post (on your profile). If you’re jonesing to shout to the world about how in love you are, email or message your amor instead. When you’re dealing with your profile, the only time it’s acceptable to post anything about someone else is if it’s anonymous — “Went on a fantastic date last night.” is perfect — it’s cute and holds a bit of enticing mystery. “Went on a fantastic date with [insert link to their profile here] and am counting down the minutes until I see her again” is TMI.

3. Think (even harder) before you post on their profile. Keep anything you post on their profile completely G-rated, non-flirty and devoid of insinuation or detail. First off, flirtations are much hotter when they’re done over text (see Texting Etiquette 101) over the phone, in person, or over email. When flirting happens on FB where everyone from their grandmother to their high-school ex-boyfriend to their creepy co-worker can see that you posted: “You’re a really good kisser and I can’t wait until our next date”, it’s bad. Posting links to something funny or mentioning you saw their doppelgänger on the street yesterday is fine — openly flirting and gushing about how awesome they are on the equivalent of a stage in front of their 500 closest friends, frenemies, family and co-workers is highly ill-advised.

4. When you get cyber bitch-slapped (i.e. unfriended), handle it with grace. Respect their choice and keep your reactions mature. If you absolutely must know why they did it, send them one respectful, emotionless email asking what happened: “Hey - I noticed I no longer see your profile. Did I do something to offend you?” They may have deleted their profile, they may be culling “friends” to avoid Facebook-whore status and keep their circle to only those 300 people closest to them, or maybe you did something to piss them off — it’s hard to tell. Whatever the reason, your best course of action is to accept it and move on.

Happy FBing, S

(Credits: Image by Franco Bouly)

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

Tired of Bars? 5 Daytime Alternatives that Rock

When most of us think about “going out” with the intention of meeting our next night-o-fun/date/fling/relationship, we think of a bar. Sometimes the bar takes the form of a club with a giant dance floor and the vodka red-bull flows like water, sometimes it takes the form of a dart board/draft beer/pool table low-key meat market, and sometimes it’s populated by bitchy but smokin’ hot bartenders, $30 drinks and perfect tens wearing Christian Louboutins. No matter the packaging, a bar is still a bar — and they’re great places to go out at night and have a good time.

If however, you’re growing weary of the nightly race, I’m here today to rock the boat and suggest a few daytime activities that give the nighttime pick-up fest a run for it’s phone-number-gathering money.

1. Food Festivals. I attended the Seattle International Cheese Festival this last weekend, and can personally attest to the glory of the mixture of delicious free-to-cheap food, attractive people, sunshine and fun. Garlic, artichokes, strawberries, mushrooms, pumpkin, and a few dozen others all have festivals devoted to their deliciousness. Check one out.

2. Outdoor Festival Concerts. Although these technically also extend into night territory, the vibe is low-key and everyone is there to have a good time. Plus, the music rocks and you can bond over your love for obscure side-stage bands.

3. Farmer’s Markets. A staple weekend activity, farmer’s markets are fantastic places to spend a morning/early afternoon. Fresh-from-the-farm food, street vendors and often times a few random craft-makers bring attractive people together en masse. Plus, you can meet your next date by asking how to properly identify a ripe kumquat.

4. Beer Festivals. Lots of beer for very little money, lots of people looking to have a good time and lots of debauchery. What’s not to love?

5. Marathons / Triathlons / Adventure Races. If you’re not participating, you can always hang out as a volunteer at the finish line and vicariously enjoy the thrill of finishing, and the super-friendly vibe. I did a race last year that had a beer garden at the finish line. What better way to spend a Sunday? Speaking of, I hope all you SFers enjoyed Bay-to-Breakers yesterday. I heard it was awesome. 

Daytime outdoor activities are more low-key than their nighttime counterparts, and so have a more relaxed atmosphere. For the would-be date-seeker, this means that people are much more friendly and open to conversations with strangers. It doesn’t take much to start a conversation, and even less effort to stay in one and have a good time. You’ll be able to enjoy each other’s company in a less sexed-up environment, which leads to more “getting to know you” interaction versus the charged and potentially less information-gathering “you’re hot” interaction. 

Yours in afternoon delight, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

(Credits: Image by tyreseu

Texting Etiquette 101

Texting: the wonderfully practical but often easily and horribly misinterpreted middle ground between the informality of email and the seriousness of a phone call, it has become the go-to way to communicate with those around us. It’s immediate (as most of us seldom stray more than three feet from our phones), it’s quick, and it’s easy.

That said, texting requires a delicate hand, especially at the beginning of a romance. If you say something that gets misinterpreted, it can spell disaster. Taking too long to respond or responding too quickly takes on significant meaning. Witty banter is a must, and so is the requisite agonizing over clever word play and/or alluding to your vast knowledge of obscure but humorous pop culture (obviously making sure it’s not so obscure that your amour won’t get it).

The problem is that not everyone subscribes to the same version of Texting Etiquette 101. As a result, misinterpretation, confusion and emotional agony can surface — Yikes. Here’s how to avoid the worst of it. 

In my experience, both personally and professionally (and I’m going to gender generalize here, so bear with me), the ladies and the gents have very different views of the dos and don’ts of texting. For example, the ladies (in general) appear to require (and give) a response — even if no question was asked and no response was necessary. The ladies want to know that the guy received the text (and want the guy to know that they received his), and attach a lot of emotional significance to how long it took said guy to respond, what he said, how it was phrased (and if there was any hidden meaning), and if the guy (deep breath) didn’t respond, many an agonizing hour will be spent analyzing why he didn’t respond.

The gents (in general), view texting a little differently. If the text received requires a response, a response is given. If it doesn’t, the information is absorbed and the day continued. If a guy doesn’t receive a response, the assumption is that the lady receiving the text was busy and will get back to them later — only after a couple days have passed do they wonder if something is amiss. Also, the gents (in general) don’t seem to analyze the “hidden messages” in each text (as the ladies want to do), unless said text says something totally weird.

The most solid piece of advice to keep everyone happy (no matter which gender you subscribe to) is to always provide a reason for your crush to reply. Say what you were going to say, but end it with a question or say something witty and entertaining enough it deserves a response. Bottom line, avoid the open ended statements that can be read, absorbed and require no response. Response is everything when you’re in a new texting relationship — and the more witty, fun and sexy the response, the better.

Yours in titty wexting, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

(Credits: Image by: stevendamron)

When Your Crush is a Co-Worker...

If falling for a friend is complicated, falling for a co-worker is a step beyond that, with the if-it-doesn’t-work-out repercussions ranging from awkward staff meetings to losing your job. We can choose when to see friends, but you can’t choose when to see co-workers. They’re just there. Everyday. But, if the risk is worth it to you (in other words, this person is THE person for you), here are some pointers for making your co-worker crush into your next hot date.

The most important thing to remember is to maintain professionalism at all times while in the office, which means no obvious flirting when you’re debugging Excel spreadsheets together. If things go south, the HR department will look much more kindly on your situation if it’s obvious your work hasn’t been affected by your romantic trysts (especially if your co-worker crush falls under the no-fraternization policy).

Your goal is to turn your co-worker crush into a friend first, then into a date. To start, institute time spent hanging out with them outside of work. Put together an informal office happy-hour and make sure to invite them, or throw a party and invite some co-workers (including, but not limited to your crush). While there, get to know them as a person (versus as just your co-worker) and develop a friendship. Don’t be too pushy — your goal at this point is to get them comfortable with the idea of you as a friend, and not just that guy who sits two cubicles down from them. 

Once your friendship outside the office is established, invite them to be your “plus one” to an event you need (or want) to attend. Very similar to last week’s post “Escaping the Friend Zone” , by putting them in a position of doing you a favor (i.e. being your plus one to your friend’s band’s back room bar concert), it takes the pressure off your first one-on-one outing being a date. This is good, because you absolutely don’t want to force them into making a decision about you before they’re ready. Even though at this point they’ll have figured out you have a crush on them, because your non-date date suggestion of being your “plus one” is pretty low-key on the date scale, they’ll feel comfortable deciding at their leisure whether or not to pursue anything with you.

If nothing happens to indicate where they stand after a couple more one-one-ones, it’s fine to make a move and let them know definitively that you’re interested. Most likely, you’ll be able to tell pretty quickly during that first one-on-one whether or not they’re interested in being more than your coffee buddy at work.

If they decide that they’re not into you “like that”, even more important than with a friend is the need to maintain maturity. You have to work with this person everyday, so keep the emotions in check and be mature in your reaction. Something like, “I think you’re great, but completely respect your feelings about us, so consider it dropped. Friends?” is perfect. Then, be completely normal and friendly when you see them at work, and they’ll respect you very much for being cool about the situation instead of freaking out and making things weird. 

Yours in professional crushing, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

Escaping the “Friend” Zone

Falling for a friend is complicated, especially when that friend is a friend who frequently reminds us what a great friend we are to them, and how glad they are that we’re friends. It’s common knowledge that things could get very awkward and even end in social catastrophe if the attempt to nudge that friend from “friends” to “more-than-friends” goes badly — and nobody wants to deal with that. But what if this person is perfect for you and to not pursue them would be doing yourself and your love life an incredible disservice? Here’s how to broach the subject of romance without destroying your friendship in the process.

Your friend will fall into one of three categories:
1.They secretly already dig you.
2. They’ve noticed you, but don’t want to ruin your friendship if it goes badly so they’ve abstained from making a move.
3. They don’t like you “like that”.

The first two situations are great, and you have a big chance of a successful transfer from “friends” to “more-than-friends.” The last situation is probably not redeemable, but at least you’ll know where they stand and you can move on. The most important thing to remember is to be mature, no matter the outcome. This will save your friendship from imploding under the pressure of awkwardness if things don’t go as planned.

Your first order of business (no matter which category you think your friend might be in) is to introduce one-on-one time with your friend, to show them how cool it is to spend time alone with you and get them to think of you as more than just “that guy/girl in my group of friends”. The next time your crew hangs out, ask your friend to take a walk and talk through something with them: something that’s bugging you at work, what to get your brother/sister for their birthday, etc. Asking for advice is a perfect cover for getting them alone. Then, segue the conversation into something funny that’s happened to you recently so that you can laugh together. This builds rapport. Don’t flirt with your friend just yet — you want to give them time to adjust their view of you to more-than-a-friend without being forced to make a decision right away.

Once you’ve had a couple of one-on-one sessions with them, bump things up a notch and invite your friend to something where you “need a date”, and would they “do you a favor by being your plus one?” It’s a lot less intense and beneficial to your slow movement from friend to more by putting them in the position of doing you a favor versus the obvious, I’m-really-into-you dinner invitation. Introduce a little flirting, but don’t go over the top. Your point is to show them how good a time you have together.

Two or three days after your “date”, email or call them and combine “I had a great time” with “will you be my plus one again so I can try this new bar/coffee-shop/breakfast place I heard about?” You’re still keeping it low-key so that if they don’t like you back, the pressure is reduced. By this point, unless they’re completely clueless, they’ll have figured out your intentions. If they fall into the first two categories (already like you or noticed you but didn’t want to ruin it), they’ll be pleased and will probably flirt like crazy to let you know they’re into your advances. Goal attained.

If, however, they’re not into you, at this point they’ll let you know they’re not interested. If you respond in a mature manner, there won’t be any negative fall-out and they’ll respect that you aren’t making it awkward and weird for your friendship: “I admit I think you’re great and really hot, but I respect your feelings so consider it dropped. I’d love to keep hanging out as friends — you’re really fun.” Now you know where they stand and you can move on to your hot co-worker.

Yours in avoiding awkwardness, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.