Bouncing Back With...Samantha Scholfield, BounceBack Dating Expert
By BounceBack Editorial Staff with Samantha Scholfield
How did you discover/realize you would be a great relationship/dating expert?
Thanks for putting the "great" in there! Starting a pretty young age, I was the person that people would come to with their problems. I like to listen, and I figured out pretty quickly that we all like to be heard, so I've been listening to and helping to solve dating conundrums for the better part of the last 15 years. I've also had a pretty tumultuous personal dating and relationship history, so I have a lot to draw on. I knew from about age 13 that I wasn't the patient sort when it came to waiting for guys to ask me out, and so took it into my own hands to ask them out first. It took a good eight years before I figured out how to do that without freaking the guy out or totally putting my ego out there to be stomped on. Once I had the answers and had tested my theories thoroughly, I wrote it all down so that I could share my knowledge and save others from the dating disasters I'd gone through. That turned into my first book, "Screw Cupid: The Sassy Girl's Guide to Picking Up Hot Guys", which came out in late 2009. Since then, I've been making a living as a dating coach and dating/relationships writer.
What's the first piece of advice you'd give to someone who's just gone through a breakup?
In the days, weeks and months after a breakup, take time to focus on yourself and do things that make you happy -- hang out with friends who make you laugh, paint or write and be creative if that's your thing, cuddle with your cat, and make sure you're getting outside and enjoying the world. It's important to remind yourself of all the things that make your personal universe great. If things aren't great? Take steps to make them so: if you're not happy with your job, research what it would take to change careers or companies. If you're not happy with your living situation, figure out what you need to do to make it better. If you're not happy with yourself, take a class you've always wanted to take and grow yourself as a person through new experiences. Breakups hurt, but they are also a unique time for self reflection and growth. Taking advantage of this is a very healthy way to make lemonade out of lemons, as it were. Also, take time to mourn the relationship for as long as you need to. Everyone handles breakups differently, so if your best friend did great by putting her feelings in a box and taking them out later to deal with them, but you need to let your emotions run their course and deal with them as they come -- so be it. There's no "right way" to deal.
Does that advice change for someone who's gone through a divorce?
Give yourself more time to recover than you would from a normal breakup. Everyone recovers at a different rate, and it's important to let yourself recover at your own pace and not feel like you "should" be feeling anything at a given time. When you're ready to move on, you'll feel it. Don't force anything before you're ready -- a divorce rocks your emotional boat in the best of situations, and can be extremely traumatic at the worst. Make sure you're reminding yourself as often as possible about all the good things in your life -- no matter how small. It's vitally important when recovering from something as deeply seeded as a marriage to build your self-esteem and self-worth back up. Spend time with friends and do things you've been wanting to do, but never had the time -- take an art class, run a marathon, or volunteer. Fill your life with new activities that challenge you and help you grow into the new person you'll be, post divorce. This new person has gone through something intense and life-altering, but with care and patience in yourself, can be happier, healthier and more enriched than before.
What do you find is the most common reason for relationships failing? Succeeding?
I think that communication is vital to a relationship succeeding, and that lack of communication is highest on the list of why a given relationship will fail. Really communicating means trusting your partner with your feelings, and knowing that they'll respect you and really hear you when you talk. When you really listen, absorb and respect what your partner says, dealing with ups and downs is much easier -- and knowing they'll do the same for you creates a solid, safe and trusting platform on which to conquer life together. Even if two people figure out they're not right for each other in a romantic relationship, when there's deep communication involved, the situation is a much more pleasant one and the likelihood of walking away with a close friend instead of an enemy is much higher.
What can we look for from you on BounceBack and also in your own endeavors?
BounceBack is a phenomenal resource for those recovering from a breakup. I think it offers so much: support, great advice and commiseration from a community of people who are actively going through a breakup or have recovered from one but want to help those who are hurting. I'll be a happy member of the BounceBack team as long as they'll have me. In terms of my own endeavors, my goal is to keep helping as many people as I can find dating and relationship happiness. I'm all about empowerment and making your life as great as possible, with the added benefit that doing so sets you up to find love: when you know yourself and are happy, love has an uncanny ability to find you. I'm also committed to teaching people (through "Screw Cupid" and otherwise) that initiating conversation doesn't have to be scary or intimidating. On the contrary, it can be easy, fun and ego-safe. I'm currently working on the guy's version of "Screw Cupid" to reach out to all the great guys out there who feel too shy or don't know how to approach women. There are so many amazing people around us everyday -- my goal is to connect them and make the world a happier place by helping them find love.
