This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!
Don't Wait, Initiate - How to Make the First Move
Showing posts with label Initiating Conversation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Initiating Conversation. Show all posts
Friday, October 8, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Why Coffee Shops Rock
The conversations are random, and usually quite entertaining. Today, for example, I got into a conversation about the merits of pedicures with two guys, one of whom swore by the weekly pedicure as the most relaxing two hours he spends every week and was trying to convince his (doubtful) friend to jump on the bandwagon. I want to know where he’s getting a two-hour pedicure, and also am now very curious about what percentage of the male population has their feet groomed on a semi-regular basis. Entertaining, interesting and random = awesome.
Everyone is friendly, and because coffee shops are not (yet) labeled as meat markets where we actively troll for dates, people are open to conversation and usually quite happy to talk. Friendly atmospheres are conducive to making connections more than sexy atmospheres, because there’s no pressure — after all, we’re not immediately judging one another by how hot we find the other person, but rather by what they say and how we interact. This is so much easier, comfortable and less intense than trying to talk to people in bars. There’s no need for elaborate pick-up techniques in coffee shops either — complimenting someone on their choice of witty t-shirt is more than enough to start a fun conversation. Win.
While I’m on the subject, I do have one minor question to throw out into the universe about the ambient temperatures of coffee shops across the world: I know that some coffee places don’t enjoy us freelancers hogging their tables all day (and I try to be sensitive to the vibe of a place before I settle in for a few hours), but is it really necessary to keep the interior temperature at an icy 60-65 F? My hands are turning blue as I write this…
Yours in rice milk chai lattes, the occasional americano and witty conversation, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
Photo Credit: Ballistik Coffee Boy
Monday, August 30, 2010
Want to meet someone? Leave the house.
Don’t get me wrong — there’s nothing wrong with a little self-imposed hibernation now and again. If anything, it’s needed and healthy to take a staycation from our lives and put aside some time to do that weird stuff that occupies our time when we live alone (or at least have our own room in a shared house). However, staying in ALL the time is bad news for our love lives because unfortunately, rarely is the pizza or sushi delivery guy or gal as sexy (and willing and available) as we dream them to be (or as they always seem to be in porn).
The excuses for not leaving the house are plentiful and easy to come by, largely because it’s must easier to chill at home in our Snuggies or Slankets than it is to get dressed, find a reason to leave and go out. The next time they try to seduce you into yet another Project Runway marathon, give these excuses the finger. Weekend morning coffee drinker? Bring a book or your favorite newspaper and go sit at your local coffee shop for a couple hours on Sunday. Bored? Peruse a bookstore or check out that new art gallery down the street. It’s not necessary to have a point every time we go out — we can simply be out for the sake of being out, and for the sake of interacting with other breathing, warm-bodied (hopefully attractive and cool) fellow humans. And if the peeps aren’t available? Go without them. Being out by yourself is a fantastic way to make new friends, and who knows — you might just meet your next date.
Yours in avoiding spice-rack organization, S
Photo Credit: Infrogmation
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Dating Dish: Grab Your Flippy-Floppies, Because Your Next Date Is On a Boat.
This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!
Grab Your Flippy-Floppies, Because Your Next Date is On a Boat
Just for fun: I’m On A Boat (ft. T-Pain)
Grab Your Flippy-Floppies, Because Your Next Date is On a Boat
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| Photo credit: Amanda O'Brien |
Monday, July 5, 2010
Eff the Fear
Obviously this begs the question as to why we don’t initiate conversation ourselves more often, to which the answer is usually some version of: “That freaks me out”, “I don’t know how” or “I want them to make the first move.” Every guy I talked to this last weekend said that they’d love for a girl to initiate conversation, and every girl I talked to complained that guys don’t initiate conversation often enough. From that, the solution would appear to be that we should all just talk to each other more. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. There are egos, fragile feelings and fear to contend with when we think about talking to someone we like, and much more often than not, those things prevent us from actually pursuing that hot guy/girl and instead leave us with some nice fodder for the next time we’re bored and want to fantasize.
However, if we all take a deep breath, let go of our fear, and — the next time we’re in the same vicinity as an available cute someone — talk to them, we might be surprised at our success. Sure, it’s not going to work every time, and yeah, our egos may take the occasional hit, but in the end if it works out with one of the people we talk to, that’s one more person than we knew than before. Letting fear rule — fear of failure, fear of rejection and fearing that we don’t know how — isn’t how I bet the vast majority of us want to live our lives. So eff fear in the name of reducing the number of dating complaints: talk to the next person you think is cute.
Yours in sunshine and rainbows, S
(Credits: Image by svintus2010)
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
5 Easy-To-Plan Themed Parties to Kick Off Your Summer
Parties are fun all year round, but in the summer when we're all a little more relaxed and fun-loving, adding some sparkle to your parties with a fun theme can make a huge difference in attendance and give your crew a chance to enjoy the hell out of a Saturday night. Plus, the more enticing the party is, the more likely it is your friends will bring friends -- one or more of whom may end up being your next date. Here are five easy-to-plan, very-low-stress plug-and-play parties that require only a light cleaning of your apartment, some simple supplies and an Evite account.
1. Blind Taste Test: Cheap Beer / Wine. Request that everyone who attends brings their favorite cheap wine or beer ($5 or under). Once they arrive, wrap the bottles in masking tape (so that no one knows what they're drinking), give each bottle a number, and begin the tasting. Everyone votes for a favorite and most likely, hilarity will ensue when the crowd realizes that Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's is the winner.
2. Jello-Flavor Party. Everyone attending dresses in a monochromatic color, limited by the colors of the flavors of Jello. Serve your favorite Jello concoction and enjoy the rainbow of ridiculousness caused by you and your friends dressed in head to toe bright yellow (or green, blue, red or purple). Don't forget the camera.
3. Clothes Swap Party. The requirement to enter is to wear something you don't want anymore (with bonus points given for going thrift store shopping ahead of time and wearing something completely ridiculous). The goal is to leave wearing something entirely different, and hopefully that you actually might wear. Barter and swap clothing during the party to get what you want. Hilarity, some partial nudity and a whole lot of fun is guaranteed.
4. Best Drink Party. All guests (or groups of guests) must bring the fixings for their favorite drink: the more outrageous the better. Each drink gets a separate station, and everyone tries everything. Votes are cast and the winner gets a token prize. If people choose drinks that are unusual and uncommon, this can be an educational experience as well as a fun party.
5. Wine and Cheese Party. The caveat with this one is to bring really, really cheap wine and really, really hight quality cheese. The name of the party sounds classy and posh, but it ends up being a whole lot of giggly fun when you juxtapose cheap wine with really good cheese. Enjoy the epicurean nightmare.
Themed parties are great because they give the guests something to do and talk about, and when everyone is doing the same thing, creates common ground on which to stand. Themes create easy conversation spaces and when there's a goal, push people to mingle and talk to those they might not have otherwise. When you're dealing with combining groups of friends who don't know each other that well or with friends of friends coming into the mix, this is especially useful. Plus, themed parties are often good for several hours of stress-busting fun and laughter, which deepens bonds between friends and can easily create a bond between those who just met. So whether you're trolling for your next date or just want to spend a beautiful summer night in good company, theme parties are an easy, make-them-come-to-you answer.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.
Monday, May 3, 2010
When Your Crush is a Co-Worker...
If falling for a friend is complicated, falling for a co-worker is a step beyond that, with the if-it-doesn’t-work-out repercussions ranging from awkward staff meetings to losing your job. We can choose when to see friends, but you can’t choose when to see co-workers. They’re just there. Everyday. But, if the risk is worth it to you (in other words, this person is THE person for you), here are some pointers for making your co-worker crush into your next hot date.
The most important thing to remember is to maintain professionalism at all times while in the office, which means no obvious flirting when you’re debugging Excel spreadsheets together. If things go south, the HR department will look much more kindly on your situation if it’s obvious your work hasn’t been affected by your romantic trysts (especially if your co-worker crush falls under the no-fraternization policy).
Your goal is to turn your co-worker crush into a friend first, then into a date. To start, institute time spent hanging out with them outside of work. Put together an informal office happy-hour and make sure to invite them, or throw a party and invite some co-workers (including, but not limited to your crush). While there, get to know them as a person (versus as just your co-worker) and develop a friendship. Don’t be too pushy — your goal at this point is to get them comfortable with the idea of you as a friend, and not just that guy who sits two cubicles down from them.
Once your friendship outside the office is established, invite them to be your “plus one” to an event you need (or want) to attend. Very similar to last week’s post “Escaping the Friend Zone” , by putting them in a position of doing you a favor (i.e. being your plus one to your friend’s band’s back room bar concert), it takes the pressure off your first one-on-one outing being a date. This is good, because you absolutely don’t want to force them into making a decision about you before they’re ready. Even though at this point they’ll have figured out you have a crush on them, because your non-date date suggestion of being your “plus one” is pretty low-key on the date scale, they’ll feel comfortable deciding at their leisure whether or not to pursue anything with you.
If nothing happens to indicate where they stand after a couple more one-one-ones, it’s fine to make a move and let them know definitively that you’re interested. Most likely, you’ll be able to tell pretty quickly during that first one-on-one whether or not they’re interested in being more than your coffee buddy at work.
If they decide that they’re not into you “like that”, even more important than with a friend is the need to maintain maturity. You have to work with this person everyday, so keep the emotions in check and be mature in your reaction. Something like, “I think you’re great, but completely respect your feelings about us, so consider it dropped. Friends?” is perfect. Then, be completely normal and friendly when you see them at work, and they’ll respect you very much for being cool about the situation instead of freaking out and making things weird.
Yours in professional crushing, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
The most important thing to remember is to maintain professionalism at all times while in the office, which means no obvious flirting when you’re debugging Excel spreadsheets together. If things go south, the HR department will look much more kindly on your situation if it’s obvious your work hasn’t been affected by your romantic trysts (especially if your co-worker crush falls under the no-fraternization policy).
Your goal is to turn your co-worker crush into a friend first, then into a date. To start, institute time spent hanging out with them outside of work. Put together an informal office happy-hour and make sure to invite them, or throw a party and invite some co-workers (including, but not limited to your crush). While there, get to know them as a person (versus as just your co-worker) and develop a friendship. Don’t be too pushy — your goal at this point is to get them comfortable with the idea of you as a friend, and not just that guy who sits two cubicles down from them.
Once your friendship outside the office is established, invite them to be your “plus one” to an event you need (or want) to attend. Very similar to last week’s post “Escaping the Friend Zone” , by putting them in a position of doing you a favor (i.e. being your plus one to your friend’s band’s back room bar concert), it takes the pressure off your first one-on-one outing being a date. This is good, because you absolutely don’t want to force them into making a decision about you before they’re ready. Even though at this point they’ll have figured out you have a crush on them, because your non-date date suggestion of being your “plus one” is pretty low-key on the date scale, they’ll feel comfortable deciding at their leisure whether or not to pursue anything with you.
If nothing happens to indicate where they stand after a couple more one-one-ones, it’s fine to make a move and let them know definitively that you’re interested. Most likely, you’ll be able to tell pretty quickly during that first one-on-one whether or not they’re interested in being more than your coffee buddy at work.
If they decide that they’re not into you “like that”, even more important than with a friend is the need to maintain maturity. You have to work with this person everyday, so keep the emotions in check and be mature in your reaction. Something like, “I think you’re great, but completely respect your feelings about us, so consider it dropped. Friends?” is perfect. Then, be completely normal and friendly when you see them at work, and they’ll respect you very much for being cool about the situation instead of freaking out and making things weird.
Yours in professional crushing, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
Monday, April 26, 2010
He Notices When I Notice. Help!
Q: I've just finished your book and I need to know how I can apply your techniques to my current situation. There is this guy at my job that I think is cute and I'm interested in but given the fact that we work together and he's kind of quiet, I'm not sure how to do the whole "non-approach" approach that you discussed throughout your book. To make matters worse, a couple of times when he got a hair cut I complimented him and told him he looked nice (including today); he usually just says "thank you" but today he said "you always notice." So, now he notices when I notice his haircuts (to be fair to myself, I notice everyone's new hairstyle/cut---I'm an observant person). Is it too late to put your techniques into effect? Can this situation be redeemed? Can I gain the upper hand? Help! - Stephanie
A: The situation is definitely redeemable. I would take his noticing you noticing him a positive, actually. It's flattering to have someone notice small changes in your appearance, and he wouldn't have said anything if he wasn't flattered (regardless of what he sounded like when he said it). I would make a point of letting him hear you compliment someone else on a change in their appearance to let it be known that he's not the only one you pay attention to. This will put you on neutral ground again, if you're not already doing this.
Then, I would go into one of the more chatty openers the next time it's appropriate - maybe when he's waiting for the elevator, or at lunch. My suggestion is to pretend to get a voicemail from your friend at the exact moment you're near him, and then say, "Can I ask you a quick question? My girlfriends and I need a guy opinion. My friend Julie went out with this guy last week, they had a great time, and he just called her and said "See you around". What does that mean, in guy-speak? Is he interested?" Keep it low-key, kind of funny and cool. Make sure it's clear you didn't seek him out to ask the question, but rather he just "happened" to be the guy closest to you when you had a guy question. From there, you can morph into "What are you up to this weekend" talk to establish a connection with him. Since he's shy, he may not take the bait and ask you out, so you could organize a small-ish group to go to happy hour after work sometime soon and invite him. Once he's there (out of the work environment), you can start to flirt a bit. I bet he'll respond.
Good luck! I hope it goes well.
If you have a question, feel free to email me at sam@screwcupidthebook.com. I'd love to hear from you!
A: The situation is definitely redeemable. I would take his noticing you noticing him a positive, actually. It's flattering to have someone notice small changes in your appearance, and he wouldn't have said anything if he wasn't flattered (regardless of what he sounded like when he said it). I would make a point of letting him hear you compliment someone else on a change in their appearance to let it be known that he's not the only one you pay attention to. This will put you on neutral ground again, if you're not already doing this.
Then, I would go into one of the more chatty openers the next time it's appropriate - maybe when he's waiting for the elevator, or at lunch. My suggestion is to pretend to get a voicemail from your friend at the exact moment you're near him, and then say, "Can I ask you a quick question? My girlfriends and I need a guy opinion. My friend Julie went out with this guy last week, they had a great time, and he just called her and said "See you around". What does that mean, in guy-speak? Is he interested?" Keep it low-key, kind of funny and cool. Make sure it's clear you didn't seek him out to ask the question, but rather he just "happened" to be the guy closest to you when you had a guy question. From there, you can morph into "What are you up to this weekend" talk to establish a connection with him. Since he's shy, he may not take the bait and ask you out, so you could organize a small-ish group to go to happy hour after work sometime soon and invite him. Once he's there (out of the work environment), you can start to flirt a bit. I bet he'll respond.
Good luck! I hope it goes well.
If you have a question, feel free to email me at sam@screwcupidthebook.com. I'd love to hear from you!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Stand Out From The Crowd and Get a Reply
Online dating can be fun, it can blow, and it can fall somewhere in between — all depending on how often your carefully crafted emails receive replies. Here are some tips to up that percentage and make every time you log onto your dating account a positive experience.
- Be honest on your profile. If you’re a grand-master King in your local LARP-ing league, shout it out. If you’re looking for someone to volunteer with at the local animal shelter and keep things casual, spell it out. If you’re ready to get married within the next 60 days and you’re desperately seeking a fellow Jimmy Buffet fan who loves piña coladas, hates yoga and loves getting caught in the rain, make it known. Passion and authenticity are sexy. Plus, the more honest and interesting you are, the more reason you give someone to email you.
- Be original with your subject lines. Avoid the standard “Hi”, “What’s up?” or “You’re hot.” These are a dime a dozen in in-boxes and in all likelihood, won’t get a click. We’re all looking for that interesting, funny, awesome person to spend time with, and interesting, funny, awesome people don’t say “‘Sup” in their subject lines. For example, one of the best subject lines I’ve seen in my dating inbox is “Synesthete seeking mango-hater”. I’m deathly allergic to mangoes so clearly he’d read my profile (always a plus), and the synesthesia thing was an interesting, stand-out angle.
- Use awesome pictures. The goal is to come up with 5-7 pictures of you that illustrate your life, including at least one close-up one that shows off your handsomeness to the max. You’ve got a great dog? Give Fido some love and use a picture of you two together — the happier-looking the better. Love going to costume parties? Post your favorite trekkie themed party picture of you and your five closest friends (being sure to point out which one is you, of course). The point is, when potential dates are stalking you checking out your profile to see what information they can glean about how normal you are, the more information you can give them to prove you’re a functional, friendly human being, the better. One caveat - avoid pictures with just you and your ex. Not only will this cause a flurry of questioning on the part of the person looking at your profile (Is he over her?), but you’re on the dating site to move forward and meet new people, not show off how hot your ex was.
Bottom line, use your profile as a tool to give the best, most honest picture of you as possible. If your top three bands are Hanson, Radiohead and Thrice and your favorite movie is “Anacondas”, you’re going to greatly up your chances of meeting a fellow Hanson/Radiohead/Thrice/Anacondas lover if you’re true to yourself on your profile.
Until next time, yours in best-foot-forward-honesty, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
- Be honest on your profile. If you’re a grand-master King in your local LARP-ing league, shout it out. If you’re looking for someone to volunteer with at the local animal shelter and keep things casual, spell it out. If you’re ready to get married within the next 60 days and you’re desperately seeking a fellow Jimmy Buffet fan who loves piña coladas, hates yoga and loves getting caught in the rain, make it known. Passion and authenticity are sexy. Plus, the more honest and interesting you are, the more reason you give someone to email you.
- Be original with your subject lines. Avoid the standard “Hi”, “What’s up?” or “You’re hot.” These are a dime a dozen in in-boxes and in all likelihood, won’t get a click. We’re all looking for that interesting, funny, awesome person to spend time with, and interesting, funny, awesome people don’t say “‘Sup” in their subject lines. For example, one of the best subject lines I’ve seen in my dating inbox is “Synesthete seeking mango-hater”. I’m deathly allergic to mangoes so clearly he’d read my profile (always a plus), and the synesthesia thing was an interesting, stand-out angle.
- Use awesome pictures. The goal is to come up with 5-7 pictures of you that illustrate your life, including at least one close-up one that shows off your handsomeness to the max. You’ve got a great dog? Give Fido some love and use a picture of you two together — the happier-looking the better. Love going to costume parties? Post your favorite trekkie themed party picture of you and your five closest friends (being sure to point out which one is you, of course). The point is, when potential dates are stalking you checking out your profile to see what information they can glean about how normal you are, the more information you can give them to prove you’re a functional, friendly human being, the better. One caveat - avoid pictures with just you and your ex. Not only will this cause a flurry of questioning on the part of the person looking at your profile (Is he over her?), but you’re on the dating site to move forward and meet new people, not show off how hot your ex was.
Bottom line, use your profile as a tool to give the best, most honest picture of you as possible. If your top three bands are Hanson, Radiohead and Thrice and your favorite movie is “Anacondas”, you’re going to greatly up your chances of meeting a fellow Hanson/Radiohead/Thrice/Anacondas lover if you’re true to yourself on your profile.
Until next time, yours in best-foot-forward-honesty, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Perfect First Date Follow-Up
You’ve had the first date, and it rocked. Maybe hands were held, maybe there was a kiss, maybe there was even sex — it doesn’t matter. Bottom line, it was great and you want to see this person again.
How do you go about creating the perfect follow-up so that you:
- Maintain the awesome, totally chill but fun persona you had going on the first date (to prove that it wasn’t a fluke)?
- Don’t seem too desperate (because looking desperate supersedes any points you got on the rockin’ first date)?
- Make it clear you like them (because nobody likes to be kept in the dark with mixed signals), while hiding the fact that you’re REALLY into this person and you’ve already thought about your future together (something to keep hidden so that you don’t freak them out)?
There are many differing opinions about how long you should wait to call a person after you’ve had the first date, varying from the no-games/heart-on-sleeve ASAP to making them wait a week. Like Goldilocks, I’m a fan of the middle option - 2 to 3 days. As in, if you went out on Saturday, Tuesday mid-morning is a perfect follow-up time.
What form should this follow-up take? Again - the opinions range from 64 long stem roses delivered to the office with a note professing your love to maybe sending an email or a text a week after the fact. I’m a big proponent of the voicemail — not just any voicemail — but a carefully crafted, short and sweet message conveying your hip lifestyle, endearment through sassiness and most importantly, a reason that you require their company as a certain time.
Here’s the three-step breakdown:
1) The ideal follow-up voicemail mentions what a good time you had (so as to indicate your interest and appreciation of the good time you had, but tempered to keep your total excitement under control about your future life together — there’s time for that on date three and beyond: “Hey! It’s [your name here]. I had a great time with you on Saturday.”
2) Then, you mention an event that you must attend, real or created for the sole purpose of the voicemail (a friend’s birthday party, your cousin’s art gallery opening for which you require a co-pilot, or a concert you have two tickets to but your friend just bailed and you need a date) — “So, I need a date for this thing on Thursday night….Do you want to be my plus one for the evening?”
3) Wrap it up with a short and sweet ending: “Call me back. [your number here].”
You have a reason to be calling them besides confessing your undying love after spending such an amazing evening with them (always good), you’ve suggested the next potential activity, which saves both of you the awkward should-we-do-coffee-or-hiking conversation, and the fact that you were going to be going anyway and you’re inviting them along because you need a date (or need to give away a concert ticket), conveys with no uncertainty your lack of desperation. You’re clearly social, fun and busy — all good things.
If they happen to pick up the phone instead of you being able to leave your voicemail, the same rules apply - keep it short and sweet, pass along the invitation and have a reason to be getting off the phone: “I’m at work so I can’t talk long, but wanted to call and see if you were available for xyz on Friday - I need a date.”
Yours in second date bliss, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
How do you go about creating the perfect follow-up so that you:
- Maintain the awesome, totally chill but fun persona you had going on the first date (to prove that it wasn’t a fluke)?
- Don’t seem too desperate (because looking desperate supersedes any points you got on the rockin’ first date)?
- Make it clear you like them (because nobody likes to be kept in the dark with mixed signals), while hiding the fact that you’re REALLY into this person and you’ve already thought about your future together (something to keep hidden so that you don’t freak them out)?
There are many differing opinions about how long you should wait to call a person after you’ve had the first date, varying from the no-games/heart-on-sleeve ASAP to making them wait a week. Like Goldilocks, I’m a fan of the middle option - 2 to 3 days. As in, if you went out on Saturday, Tuesday mid-morning is a perfect follow-up time.
What form should this follow-up take? Again - the opinions range from 64 long stem roses delivered to the office with a note professing your love to maybe sending an email or a text a week after the fact. I’m a big proponent of the voicemail — not just any voicemail — but a carefully crafted, short and sweet message conveying your hip lifestyle, endearment through sassiness and most importantly, a reason that you require their company as a certain time.
Here’s the three-step breakdown:
1) The ideal follow-up voicemail mentions what a good time you had (so as to indicate your interest and appreciation of the good time you had, but tempered to keep your total excitement under control about your future life together — there’s time for that on date three and beyond: “Hey! It’s [your name here]. I had a great time with you on Saturday.”
2) Then, you mention an event that you must attend, real or created for the sole purpose of the voicemail (a friend’s birthday party, your cousin’s art gallery opening for which you require a co-pilot, or a concert you have two tickets to but your friend just bailed and you need a date) — “So, I need a date for this thing on Thursday night….Do you want to be my plus one for the evening?”
3) Wrap it up with a short and sweet ending: “Call me back. [your number here].”
You have a reason to be calling them besides confessing your undying love after spending such an amazing evening with them (always good), you’ve suggested the next potential activity, which saves both of you the awkward should-we-do-coffee-or-hiking conversation, and the fact that you were going to be going anyway and you’re inviting them along because you need a date (or need to give away a concert ticket), conveys with no uncertainty your lack of desperation. You’re clearly social, fun and busy — all good things.
If they happen to pick up the phone instead of you being able to leave your voicemail, the same rules apply - keep it short and sweet, pass along the invitation and have a reason to be getting off the phone: “I’m at work so I can’t talk long, but wanted to call and see if you were available for xyz on Friday - I need a date.”
Yours in second date bliss, S
Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.
Friday, March 26, 2010
5 Common Dating Mistakes You Don't Know You're Making
Dating is hard. It's also annoying, self-esteem crushing, and time-consuming. But it can also be amazing, self-confidence boosting, and simply so much fun. Dating is about more than just finding a partner - it's a good way to meet new people, work on your social interaction and communication skills, and experience new things.
When you begin dating again after a relationship ends, it's very easy to bring residual thoughts and actions from the past to the forefront, which can often keep that tiny spark from igniting into something more. Here are 5 common mistakes that we make in dating, yet don't even realize we're making them:
1. Tunnel vision.Don't limit your dating pool to your normal "type." Branch out of your dating comfort zone and give a chance to those you haven't previously considered (think age, looks, profession, location). You just might be surprised as to whom you meet and fall for.
2. Underestimating how much you have to offer.Be you; not what you think other people want (i.e. your mother, your friends or that guy you've had your eye on). Authenticity is sexy, and it goes hand in hand with confidence, adding up to a very attractive combination. Plus, if it clicks with someone, you'll know it's real.
3. Judging yourself.Confidence and friendliness count for way more than model looks -- in dating, and in life. You're human; you have flaws. Learn to rock your flaws instead of beating yourself up.
4. Expecting too much (or anything) on a first date.Having expectations about a first date almost always leads to disappointment, especially when you're first diving back into the game when your fear level is high. Avoid this by enjoying the company no matter what they're like. If it's great? Great -- go out again. If the date totally tanked? Enjoy a bad date for what it is -- a great story to tell your friends. Taking the pressure off makes for an enjoyable time, no matter what happens.
5. Cynic-syndrome.When you're in post break-up "I've-been-burned" mode, it's incredibly common (and natural) to assume the worst about people. Do your best to avoid this and you'll be pleasantly surprised how everyone isn't your evil ex. Letting go of cynicism is a major part of moving forward. This is a hard one, so be patient with yourself!
So, as you get back out into the dating world, take a step back and be aware of yourself, your thoughts, and how you are presenting yourself to the world. Remember these 5 common mistakes, know that you're not alone in thinking this way, and try to keep these mistakes from preventing a potential future happy relationship.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.
Also, view the version that was featured on Yahoo.com here.
When you begin dating again after a relationship ends, it's very easy to bring residual thoughts and actions from the past to the forefront, which can often keep that tiny spark from igniting into something more. Here are 5 common mistakes that we make in dating, yet don't even realize we're making them:
1. Tunnel vision.Don't limit your dating pool to your normal "type." Branch out of your dating comfort zone and give a chance to those you haven't previously considered (think age, looks, profession, location). You just might be surprised as to whom you meet and fall for.
2. Underestimating how much you have to offer.Be you; not what you think other people want (i.e. your mother, your friends or that guy you've had your eye on). Authenticity is sexy, and it goes hand in hand with confidence, adding up to a very attractive combination. Plus, if it clicks with someone, you'll know it's real.
3. Judging yourself.Confidence and friendliness count for way more than model looks -- in dating, and in life. You're human; you have flaws. Learn to rock your flaws instead of beating yourself up.
4. Expecting too much (or anything) on a first date.Having expectations about a first date almost always leads to disappointment, especially when you're first diving back into the game when your fear level is high. Avoid this by enjoying the company no matter what they're like. If it's great? Great -- go out again. If the date totally tanked? Enjoy a bad date for what it is -- a great story to tell your friends. Taking the pressure off makes for an enjoyable time, no matter what happens.
5. Cynic-syndrome.When you're in post break-up "I've-been-burned" mode, it's incredibly common (and natural) to assume the worst about people. Do your best to avoid this and you'll be pleasantly surprised how everyone isn't your evil ex. Letting go of cynicism is a major part of moving forward. This is a hard one, so be patient with yourself!
So, as you get back out into the dating world, take a step back and be aware of yourself, your thoughts, and how you are presenting yourself to the world. Remember these 5 common mistakes, know that you're not alone in thinking this way, and try to keep these mistakes from preventing a potential future happy relationship.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.
Also, view the version that was featured on Yahoo.com here.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
What if I'm in high school?
I received an email a couple weeks ago from an enthusiastic fan, who happened to be in her second year of high school. She very astutely and aptly pointed out that many of the examples in Screw Cupid don't directly apply when you're in a situation (like high school) where you're around the same group of people everyday and who watch your every move, making opportunistic conversation with strangers challenging. She also asked for alternatives to "going out" to meet guys, since she's not of the legal drinking age yet.
Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:
"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."
You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.
Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.
Yours in problem solving,
S
Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:
"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."
You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.
Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.
Yours in problem solving,
S
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Success story with Screw Cupid as a prop!
I received an email a few days ago from a male fan who discovered Screw Cupid in his local bookstore, read it in one sitting and immediately tried out SC's techniques on a trio of attractive women browsing in the bookstore. He used Screw Cupid as a prop, and approached them:
Male Fan: Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
Trio of Hot Girls: Sure. What's up?
Male Fan: I need to buy a present for my sister, and I'm thinking about getting her this book on how to meet guys (pointing to Screw Cupid). How do you think that would go over, from a girl's perspective?
This was his description of what happened: "I stood back and watched in utter fascination as the three of them began an involved, animated Q&A amongst themselves and between me and them on the subject of giving a girl a book on dating advice. It was not awkward or forced, and I barely had to say anything to keep the discussion going... the hardest part--initiating and sustaining a conversation with a group of opposite-sex strangers in a public place, was a breeze."
Props to my male fan for taking the initiative and trying it out, and I'm so glad to hear it worked so easily and effectively!
PS - If anyone has a success story from using SC's techniques, I'd love to hear about it. Email me anytime at sam@screwcupidthebook.com.
Yours in dating success,
S
Male Fan: Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
Trio of Hot Girls: Sure. What's up?
Male Fan: I need to buy a present for my sister, and I'm thinking about getting her this book on how to meet guys (pointing to Screw Cupid). How do you think that would go over, from a girl's perspective?
This was his description of what happened: "I stood back and watched in utter fascination as the three of them began an involved, animated Q&A amongst themselves and between me and them on the subject of giving a girl a book on dating advice. It was not awkward or forced, and I barely had to say anything to keep the discussion going... the hardest part--initiating and sustaining a conversation with a group of opposite-sex strangers in a public place, was a breeze."
Props to my male fan for taking the initiative and trying it out, and I'm so glad to hear it worked so easily and effectively!
PS - If anyone has a success story from using SC's techniques, I'd love to hear about it. Email me anytime at sam@screwcupidthebook.com.
Yours in dating success,
S
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Why do girls date assholes?
One of my friends on Facebook posted this as a question to the universe today, and because I hear it ALL THE TIME, I wanted to address it.
My theory is that girls "date assholes" because "assholes" are typically the only guys that actively hit on them. No matter how you personally define asshole (or jerk, or whatever your favorite negative term is), the definition usually includes a large ego, and therefore outward confidence. Because (a lot of) the nicer subset of the male population has had little luck hitting on women (because they don't know how and fall into a myriad of common mistakes that are easily rectified by reading Screw Cupid and/or the upcoming male version of Screw Cupid I'm currently working on), they don't do it very often, leaving the female population to be approached by only the assholes of the world.
Ever heard the complaint "There aren't any good guys left!" - it's the same story, just from the other side. When the only guys hitting on a girl are jerks, she's going to assume that jerks are the only guys available - hence the aforementioned complaint.
Yours in the belief of a plethora of nice guys,
S
*Clearly I'm generalizing - there are obviously exceptions to the "only assholes hit on girls" statement, and the "nice guys don't hit on girls successfully" statement, as well as the millions of women who refuse to date assholes. I answer in generalizations to keep in line with such a generalized question as "Why do girls date assholes?"
My theory is that girls "date assholes" because "assholes" are typically the only guys that actively hit on them. No matter how you personally define asshole (or jerk, or whatever your favorite negative term is), the definition usually includes a large ego, and therefore outward confidence. Because (a lot of) the nicer subset of the male population has had little luck hitting on women (because they don't know how and fall into a myriad of common mistakes that are easily rectified by reading Screw Cupid and/or the upcoming male version of Screw Cupid I'm currently working on), they don't do it very often, leaving the female population to be approached by only the assholes of the world.
Ever heard the complaint "There aren't any good guys left!" - it's the same story, just from the other side. When the only guys hitting on a girl are jerks, she's going to assume that jerks are the only guys available - hence the aforementioned complaint.
Yours in the belief of a plethora of nice guys,
S
*Clearly I'm generalizing - there are obviously exceptions to the "only assholes hit on girls" statement, and the "nice guys don't hit on girls successfully" statement, as well as the millions of women who refuse to date assholes. I answer in generalizations to keep in line with such a generalized question as "Why do girls date assholes?"
Sunday, December 13, 2009
What if you find yourself in a situation where there’s a time crunch—where because of the situation, you or they are not going to be where you are in 15 or 30 more seconds (like on an elevator). You really want to try to initiate a conversation, even though the encounter is so fleeting. What do you do?!
This is challenging because Screw Cupid's techniques are all based on having some time to establish a connection. So, in this situation, I saw completely go against Screw Cupid's techniques and go for it. If you see someone you REALLY want to get to know better and you only have 15 seconds, I say to pull out a business card, write your cell number on the back with a "You're hot. Call me if you're interested." It's a ballsy enough move to get their attention and may just work.
There's really not much else to be done in that limited amount of time. You could also try slyly following them for a minute or two to see if they go somewhere where you could have a bit more time to start a neutral question conversation. Just to be clear, I am NOT advocating being creepy. Just think of it as an extended form of gaining proximity.
Yours in a time crunch,
S
There's really not much else to be done in that limited amount of time. You could also try slyly following them for a minute or two to see if they go somewhere where you could have a bit more time to start a neutral question conversation. Just to be clear, I am NOT advocating being creepy. Just think of it as an extended form of gaining proximity.
Yours in a time crunch,
S
Thursday, December 10, 2009
What if you see someone’s ad online, and you’re interested in them for whatever reason, BUT they don’t actually offer much factual or other info on which to base asking a neutral question. How do you pursue such a person neutrally if there’s nothing really obvious to use as the point of neutral connection?
This one is a bit tricky, since obviously you can't use Screw Cupid's techniques to the letter. I think the answer has three options.
Option 1 is to make something up for why you're contacting them - you're researching a book, you're conducting an informal poll, or you're contacting different profile types to find out what works. Since they list no info, how has their response rate been? Call them out on their lack of information.
Option 2 could be to admit that you're intrigued, but since they listed no distinguishing characteristics on their ad/profile, you'd like to know more. Then list 10 fun facts about yourself. If you're interesting, entertaining and/or intriguing enough in your fun facts, there's a good chance they'll respond in kind. You are admitting interest with this one, which can lower the chance of success, but I think it could work with the right person.
Option 3 is to disregard Screw Cupid's techniques (by immediately indicating you're interested) and admit you're intrigued by their ad/profile and would they be up for meeting for coffee to see if a connection exists? This is a long shot because it's the most basic response out there, but since there is a possibility of it working it may be worth a try - especially if you're not comfortable with the other two.
Yours in creative contact,
S
Option 1 is to make something up for why you're contacting them - you're researching a book, you're conducting an informal poll, or you're contacting different profile types to find out what works. Since they list no info, how has their response rate been? Call them out on their lack of information.
Option 2 could be to admit that you're intrigued, but since they listed no distinguishing characteristics on their ad/profile, you'd like to know more. Then list 10 fun facts about yourself. If you're interesting, entertaining and/or intriguing enough in your fun facts, there's a good chance they'll respond in kind. You are admitting interest with this one, which can lower the chance of success, but I think it could work with the right person.
Option 3 is to disregard Screw Cupid's techniques (by immediately indicating you're interested) and admit you're intrigued by their ad/profile and would they be up for meeting for coffee to see if a connection exists? This is a long shot because it's the most basic response out there, but since there is a possibility of it working it may be worth a try - especially if you're not comfortable with the other two.
Yours in creative contact,
S
Friday, December 4, 2009
Neutrality - What is it?
The way I define it in Screw Cupid, i.e. in the context of initiating conversation with a guy you like, neutrality is the face you put forward and an attitude that governs your body language and words. The point of being neutral is to keep him guessing as to whether or not you're interested in him, at least initially. The logic behind this is that when Person A knows that Person B likes them (which is what happens when Person B says "Hi" to Person A), Person B immediately becomes less interesting to Person A. There's no chase, and therefore no challenge.
Just to be clear, I'm not advocating stringing someone along or keeping them guessing for longer than about 10 minutes. Neutrality is about taking advantage of a social norm - i.e. that people like a little bit of a chase. Make it too easy and it's boring. Make it to hard and it's annoying. Keep it in the middle - i.e. by being neutral - and it's interesting and fun.
Neutrally yours,
S
Just to be clear, I'm not advocating stringing someone along or keeping them guessing for longer than about 10 minutes. Neutrality is about taking advantage of a social norm - i.e. that people like a little bit of a chase. Make it too easy and it's boring. Make it to hard and it's annoying. Keep it in the middle - i.e. by being neutral - and it's interesting and fun.
Neutrally yours,
S
Friday, November 13, 2009
I don't think some of the openers used as examples in Screw Cupid would work in real life. Are you really suggesting I go up to some guy and ask him about why guys grunt in the gym?
I used the example of men grunting in the gym multiple times in Screw Cupid as a humorous tool for demonstrating how openers work, and with the hope that my readers would laugh, and then think about what they personally might want to use to initiate a neutral conversation.
The "grunting man" conversational gambit does work, but as I say in the book, it depends on the context. You wouldn't want to use a funnier, more ballsy opener like the grunting opener in a coffee shop or in your photography class, nor would you want to use it if it doesn't fit with your personality type. If you're more on the shy side, one of the examples about needing information about a nearby restaurant, or a gift, or dating advice for your friend could all be good bets.
Ultimately, Screw Cupid is about learning how to initiate conversation with the men you want to talk to (and to see if you click with them) - the opener is just the door that gets you into the conversational room. Once you're there, be yourself. By using your personality as a guide, you can find an opener that fits both you and the situation. And remember - you don't need to stress too much about that initial opening question. If you click with this guy, he'll remember way more about the conversation as a whole, rather than what you said to start talking to him.
Yours in contextual conversation,
S
The "grunting man" conversational gambit does work, but as I say in the book, it depends on the context. You wouldn't want to use a funnier, more ballsy opener like the grunting opener in a coffee shop or in your photography class, nor would you want to use it if it doesn't fit with your personality type. If you're more on the shy side, one of the examples about needing information about a nearby restaurant, or a gift, or dating advice for your friend could all be good bets.
Ultimately, Screw Cupid is about learning how to initiate conversation with the men you want to talk to (and to see if you click with them) - the opener is just the door that gets you into the conversational room. Once you're there, be yourself. By using your personality as a guide, you can find an opener that fits both you and the situation. And remember - you don't need to stress too much about that initial opening question. If you click with this guy, he'll remember way more about the conversation as a whole, rather than what you said to start talking to him.
Yours in contextual conversation,
S
Monday, November 9, 2009
Have you ever lived on the East Cost? People here just don't "talk" to strangers (aka hot men). It seems like your advice would work in California, but not in the big East Coast cities.
I haven't ever lived on the East Coast full-time, no, but I've definitely noticed the vibe difference between the East and West Coasts in terms of how people communicate on the street - your point is a good one.
My advice is that if you're finding yourself in situations where it doesn't seem socially appropriate to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, then I would suggest trying to find other venues in which to meet people - take a cooking or photography class, join a book club, join a running group - something that gives you a reason for being there and therefore makes the people you're interacting with less like strangers and more like the other people in your group. When they're the latter, it's much easier to just "talk" to them.
Yours on the left coast,
S
My advice is that if you're finding yourself in situations where it doesn't seem socially appropriate to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, then I would suggest trying to find other venues in which to meet people - take a cooking or photography class, join a book club, join a running group - something that gives you a reason for being there and therefore makes the people you're interacting with less like strangers and more like the other people in your group. When they're the latter, it's much easier to just "talk" to them.
Yours on the left coast,
S
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
What's the target audience of your book? I'm in my 40s and divorced. Will this work for me?
The great thing about Screw Cupid is that it's ageless. It's geared toward any single woman - 20-80 (or older, if they're dating!). Given that I'm in my late twenties, some of my language and cultural references may indicate a younger target audience. Please don't be dissuaded by this. Screw Cupid works at any age because it teaches how to initiate conversation easily, naturally and in an ego-safe way. There's no age-limit on that.
Screw Cupid has been very popular among the 40-50+ divorced crowd and I've gotten lots of positive feedback that these women are using the techniques and having success. My mother, who is in her 60s and divorced, has been using these techniques since she read a first draft 3 years ago.
I've heard it mentioned that women in the 40s, 50s and 60s are less likely to go out in groups than women in their 20s and 30s. I don't find going out with friends a pre-requisite at all for successful conversation starting. If anything, I think it works better when you're by yourself. If you feel self-conscious about being out and alone, say your friends are "on their way" or "bailed at the last minute". Also, try to find co-ed activities/classes where it's completely socially acceptable to be there by yourself - clubs, classes, mixers.
Yours in ageless advice,
S
Screw Cupid has been very popular among the 40-50+ divorced crowd and I've gotten lots of positive feedback that these women are using the techniques and having success. My mother, who is in her 60s and divorced, has been using these techniques since she read a first draft 3 years ago.
I've heard it mentioned that women in the 40s, 50s and 60s are less likely to go out in groups than women in their 20s and 30s. I don't find going out with friends a pre-requisite at all for successful conversation starting. If anything, I think it works better when you're by yourself. If you feel self-conscious about being out and alone, say your friends are "on their way" or "bailed at the last minute". Also, try to find co-ed activities/classes where it's completely socially acceptable to be there by yourself - clubs, classes, mixers.
Yours in ageless advice,
S
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