The NEWLY Single's Guide to Valentine's Day

For the freshly single, Valentine's Day can sting. A lot. It can seem like every card, advertisement, and plans made by happy, coupled-up friends are designed specifically to Tase our emotionally ravaged feelings and hearts. So, instead of waiting for the inevitable zap, treat this year as an opportunity to recreate V-Day into something you'll not only enjoy, but will look forward to repeating next year.

1) Get out of town. Grab your girlfriends and bail. Plan a yoga or spa weekend. Head to Mexico or Vegas for some girls-only partying, pool-side lounging and Margarita-sipping. Go camping and let nature do its healing thing. Or just plan a whole (non-Valentine's centric) weekend at home with much merry-making, movie-watching and re-organizing of closets, living rooms and kitchens. Removing ourselves from our daily lives (and changing our surroundings) can do wonders for boosting our mood and our spirits, especially on and leading up to a day that can totally blow if we're recently minus a plus one.

2) Volunteer. Just like getting physically out of town helps us recover by releasing us from our memories, volunteering can give us a vacation from the black hole of bummer in our heads. When we focus on others, especially when it's a hands-on helping situation like helping out a soup kitchen or cuddling some needy animals, we lose track of our own worries for a while as we focus on theirs. This has the potential to be incredibly relaxing and a very welcome break at a tough time of year. Plus, we're hopefully making someone else's day better in the process. Win-win.

3) Throw a party. It's almost guaranteed that even some of your coupled-up friends will be happy to skip the traditional dinner/flowers thing and its forced expressions of love. And all your single friends? Who doesn't love somewhere fun to go on a day when it seems like everyone else has plans. So throw a party -- zombie themed, old Halloween costume swap themed or dress up as your favorite color of Jello themed -- and start a new annual tradition of enjoying a very well attended anti-V-Day party.

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be National Single's Awareness Day anymore -- it can be fun, healing and a total blast if we choose to do things that emphasize the awesomeness in our lives and push away the mope. So let's choose fun over bumming and enjoy February in all its winter glory.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, and also on Yahoo! Shine.

4 Alternative (and Awesome) Ideas for National Singles' Awareness Day

Valentine's Day isn't the coupled-up love-fest the media at large and those ever-annoying grocery and drug-store displays would have us believe. As it turns out, there are lots of un-coupled (cool) people out there. A good chunk of said people want to have a good time on Valentine's Day, feeling strongly that just because they're not currently one-half of a couple, they shouldn't be discriminated against and forced to sit at home and mope. Whether we're single, coupled-up and over the schmoop, or just want to have a fun night, here are 4 alterna-V-Day activities for us all.

1) Go out. V-Day is a well-kept secret party night. Populated and thoroughly enjoyed by those who don't partake in the dinner/flowers plan, it's a night where one can count on everyone being happy to be out and enjoying life, and all being much more friendly than usual due to the fact that we're collectively stoked we're not being forced into sulking at home because we had nowhere to go and our lives don't resemble a Happily-Ever-After romance novel or Rom-Com. So, enjoy the enjoyers and have fun.

2) Have a movie night. What makes this an alterna-V-day plan? Make it a horror or action or thriller movie-fest instead of chick flicks. There's nothing quite like watching zombies take over a town to bust us out of our V-Day induced depression.

3) Have a party. Dinner party, theme party, anti-V-Day party, I'm-single-let's-party party, Pajama party -- whatever you choose, make sure to gather all your favorite people, including the coupled-up. Similar to the general happy you'll find bar-hopping, having somewhere to go and fun people to hang with makes for an awesome night.

4) Go out to dinner, but go in a big group so no one feels like an odd-numbered wheel. Make reservations. Dress up. Have lots of group hugs and schmoop as a group. Enjoy the envious looks from the other diners who wish they'd thought of going out with ten of their closest friends.

Let's be honest: moping is no fun. And unfortunately, it's all too easy when mid-February rolls around. So let's not do it. Let's make V-Day 2011 one to remember for today and an annual tradition for next year (and the year after that) by focusing on the fun, on good friends and on the future.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

4 Ideas for the Newly Single on Surviving New Year's Eve

Ah, New Year's Eve: A night of pressure to do something cool, pressure to have someone to kiss, and pressure to have a good time. The expectations we place on ourselves to do those three things with gusto often end up making NYE into a stress-bomb of epic proportions. And besides that, what do we do when we're newly single and all we feel like doing is hiding in our apartment with our cat and watching the ball drop on all the crazy people brave enough to hang out in the sub-zero temperature of Times Square? Here are five ideas for making NYE 2010 as low-pressure and as enjoyable as possible when we're fresh out of a breakup.

1) F*** it and stay in. Besides having to listen to all of the "OMG, the party I went to was sooooo awesome. You totally should have come!" comments for the first two weeks of January, ringing in the new year with a close friend or two, the cat, a bottle of champagne (or two) and the flat screen is a perfectly acceptable alternative to the huge and often over-priced parties your other friends are attending. Plus, if you don't feel like going out, you don't have to -- break-ups are tough to begin with, and NYE can be a tough night, regardless of how long it's been since your last relationship (or even if you're in a relationship). So F*** it -- stay in and veto the parties.

2) Have an Anti-NYE Party. Part of what makes NYE stressful is the aforementioned pressure to rage for a night. If that's not you or you just don't feel like it, put the feelers out to see if anyone else is feeling the same way (and there will most certainly be takers.) A low-key get-together with close friends, with no pressure to "party like it's 1999", can be a great alternative to both staying in and ignoring the night and forcing yourself into attending a huge party. Make everyone bring something to drink and something to eat, and there'll be nothing for you to worry about as the host/ess. Bonus: Give it a costume theme like ninjas versus zombies, and you'll be sure to have a good time.

3) If you want to go out, bring single friends. If the gigantic party calls to you but you don't want to get stuck sans a kissing partner at midnight, plan ahead and bring a bunch of single friends with you. Make sure that everyone meets in a pre-determined location at 10 minutes to midnight and then, at midnight, have a group hug/kiss.This takes the pressure away from either having to find a hot stranger or having to watch everyone around you make out when the clock strikes 12. Plus, you'll make everyone around you jealous of your happy cuddle-fest.

4) Mingle, mingle, mingle. NYE parties attract couples and groups of single friends alike, and so it's relatively easy to find other singles at a large party. Even if you're not ready to start dating again, it can be a fun challenge to bring an outgoing friend and talk to as many people as you can at the party. If you need a reason to talk to people, make up a series of "survey" questions to get the conversations started: "Hi - my friend and I are doing an informal survey. What's your favorite NYE memory?" You never know whom you might meet and interesting, fun and random conversations are guaranteed.

New Year's Eve can be a blast if we remove our expectations about what we think we should be doing -- something that's especially true for immediately after a break-up when we're still a bit raw and memory-filled. NYE is a night to celebrate the new and enjoy good company, so instead of focusing on the should, let's focus on what we want to do and what will make us happiest and vow to make this NYE as action-packed with new, fun-with-great-friend memories as possible.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

4 Holiday Gift Exchange Landmines to Avoid in a New Relationship

Brand new romances are usually a hyperactive blend of overwhelming elation, insecurity and terrifying (what if we find something we don't like?) slash euphoric (OMG, they love that too?!) exploration of each other, especially when they're the first new thing we've had since a big relationship breakup. When you throw holiday gift exchanges into the mix, the hyperactivity can head straight into stress territory and turn a simple, enjoyable thing -- getting a gift for our new favorite person -- into a "what if?" fest of epic proportions. Here's a rundown of the top "what if"s and how to handle them and get through December with our sanity intact.

1) You find out you spent waaaaay more or less than them. Awkward for sure, and potentially embarrassing if you're the one who spent all the money, but ultimately, this is a chance to work through what is potentially your first conflict together. Since this is a new relationship, chances are good you don't know everything about their holiday patterns and traditions. If it's a case of differing traditions, enjoy each others' gifts and knowing something new about each other. In the future, if what happened this time around isn't OK with both of you, talk about any gift giving before it happens to discuss your expectations and figure out a solution you're both happy with. If the way more/way less situation is one where one of you feels uncomfortable, talk first, then try one of the following: try again, with rules about how much spend; say thanks, enjoy the gifts and vow to discuss the rules for next time; or scrap the gift exchange and just enjoy a night out together. This is supposed to be fun, so if one of you isn't comfortable, talk until you both are.

2) One of you gives, one of you doesn't. Awkward, but not insurmountable. Again - the reasons for giving or not giving may be due to tradition or culture. Talk about it and figure out what you want to do -- does the person who gave want to return it and then the two of you can enjoy a night out instead? Does the person who didn't give want a chance to return the favor?

3) Their gift is waaaaay more thoughtful than yours. It's not a competition, contrary to how it feels. Express your heartfelt appreciation for their thoughtfulness, and vow to do better next time. Gift giving in relationships is a learning process.

4) Your gift is something they hate. In relationships, the general consensus seems to be to pretend to enjoy gifts, no matter how we actually feel. However, if they missed that memo and are honest about how they feel (assuming they're very appreciative of the thought and aren't just being a jerk), talk through it and figure out why. Maybe your choice of golf lesson reminds them of their recently deceased father, or perhaps they don't wear a watch because they work somewhere where wearing jewelry is dangerous. If you've inadvertently screwed up, you can offer to try again. Some people are easy to find gifts for, and some aren't, and it can be very challenging to do well with someone we don't know very well. Don't beat yourself up about an honest mistake.

Having a pre-holiday pow-wow -- about your mutual expectations about gift exchange, how much or little you want to spend on each other (or whether you want to have a fancy date instead of gifts) -- although it may seem awkward to discuss, guarantees far less than the awkwardness of any of the above. Gift expectations (or lack thereof) can be a major landmine in relationships, long-term and new alike. Talking about it beforehand, especially in a new romance, can be a fun "get to know you" conversation as well as an extremely useful and healthy building block for whatever future the relationship may hold. And when we're cultivating a new relationship after working hard to bounce back from the old one, healthy, solid building blocks are very welcome.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

How to Approach the Holidays With a New Significant Other in Your Life

When you've got a new somebody in your life after breaking up with an old somebody (especially if the old somebody was around for a while and became a fixture at your family events), the introduction of your new significant other to your family -- at events like Christmas -- has the potential to be awkward, stressful and filled with potential social landmines.

Here are five tips to avoid the most common bouts of awkwardness during the holidays:

1. Keep the pressure low. Meeting the parents is still just as big a deal as it was in high school, and can hold a lot of significance in relationships. That said, Thanksgiving is a great event to extend the invitation, because it's a holiday built around sharing food, company and having a good time. Friends come, there's always the last minute random whose plans fell through and joins in the joviality and it generally has a the-more-the-merrier vibe, which all contribute to keep the pressure of "meeting the family" lower than a Sunday dinner with your extended family where your date is the only newcomer.

2. Prep your new flame. When you're in a situation where the last few family holidays included your ex, it's important to give your new amour a heads up that although your family is great and will love her/him, s/he'll probably be the object of some curiosity and to expect to be popular, based purely on the fact that s/he is new in your life. To put them at ease, give them background information (including funny stories) on each of your family members and how everyone relates to each other as well as any relevant drama they might stumble into, so they're aware of who everyone is and what's going on. If there's a topic of conversation they should avoid (for example, any deaths in the family, recent or otherwise, so that they don't ask where someone is and feel awful for bringing it up), let them know, but otherwise don't stress about what to or not to talk about -- you like your new signifiant other, and your family will too.

3. Prep your family. Suddenly showing up with someone new when you've had the same date for the last four years to all family functions is a great way to create some really awkward conversations during dinner. It's far better is to prep your family members beforehand that you'll be bringing a new date, that you're very happy with this new person, and you'd appreciate their full acceptance of them as well as any avoidance of discussion of your ex, your break-up and/or any conversations that compare your new flame to your ex over the sweet potatoes.

4. Control the conversation. Despite your prepping, your great aunt Betty asks you point blank what happened to that "nice girl/boy" who came to last year's holiday dinner. This is so awkward it will be entertaining in retrospect, but at the time, say that things didn't work out with your ex, that you're now very happy and with your current date and change the subject to something Great Aunt Betty loves to talk about, like her upcoming cruise to Mexico.

5. Smile and change the subject. After dinner and after too much Pinot Noir, your various family members open the floodgates of awkwardness with questions about everything you asked them to avoid. Try to remember that your family loves you and they just want to you be happy, and any probing and awkward questions they ask are a function of that. Control the conversation as best you can by changing the subject and asking about them and their lives. For example, let's say you and your ex used to love to go antique shopping together and it was always a great topic of conversation at previous family get-togethers. If you get an awkward question like, "Does s/he like to antique with you like [your ex's name] did?", you can reply with something like, "[Your date's name] loves to sail, and so we've been spending a lot of time doing that. Uncle Bob, I know you windsurf. Have you been out on the water much recently? It's been beautiful."

Part of moving forward and bouncing back after a break-up is dating again, and eventually, the time comes to introduce a new significant other to your family. There are bound to be some bumps along the way to fitting this new person completely in your life, because change is challenging and if your previous relationship was a long one, there can be a lot of inertia for your family to get through. However, ultimately your goal is to be happy, and if this new person makes you happy, your family will come around, even if they inadvertently make it awkward in the process. And isn't that one of the things that makes family great?

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

How to Handle Awkward Questions About Your Love Life (or Lack Thereof)

When things fizzle in a relationship, there's a step after the actual parting of ways that can seem like cruel and unusual punishment: having to tell everyone that our relationship status has changed. Relaying the news to our inner circles is usually fairly painless, but if our relationship was a long one and especially if shared family holidays and work parties were involved, the post break-up aftermath can seem never-ending and a particularly hellish form of torture. Well meaning friends, co-workers and family members all want to know what happened, want to give us advice and sometimes seem hell-bent on setting us up immediately with their neighbor's best friend's cousin's son/daughter. 

When the absolute last thing we want to do is rehash what happened and jump into something new, how do we navigate this social mine-field without alienating people and coming across like a hot mess when we freak out when asked one question too many?

1) Keep your cool. Even though it royally sucks to have to field questions about what happened (especially when you JUST managed to not think about your ex every five minutes), most of the people you ask said questions mean well and care about you. Plaster a smile on your face, assure them you're fine and that things just "didn't work out."

2) Change the subject. When dealing with a socially sensitive questioner, sometimes a simple change of subject can be enough to dissuade any further discussion on the topic: "Nope - I'm not really dating anyone special. So - how about that game last night?"

3) Control the conversation. Even though the questions are directed at you, an easy trick to deflect the attention and move into new (less annoying and painful) territory is to give a short answer to their question, and then turn the questions on them: "I'm doing great, thanks - and how are you and Robert doing? Where are you going on vacation this year?" Hopefully they'll be so distracted talking about their vacation plans, they'll forget to focus on you.

4) If they persist, be firm. Your break-up is no one's business but yours, and you are perfectly within your right to not talk about it if you don't want to. When dealing with a more pushy questioner who won't drop the subject, despite your attempts to talk about something else, sometimes a firmer hand is required: "I appreciate your concern, but I'd really rather not talk about this anymore. Why don't you tell me about your new project at work?"

5) If all else fails, walk away. Finding an excuse to leave the conversation is a perfectly acceptable response to being grilled about what happened between you and your ex. Simply say "Excuse me, but I just saw my friend walk in the door / need another drink / need to use the bathroom" and bail.

Although the conversations about your well-being will be frequent and numerous at first, they'll mercifully die out quickly as word gets around. There will always be the family members who ask you point blank why you haven't found someone yet over the marshmallow roasted sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner, but hopefully those conversational gems are few and far between and can be viewed as humorous rather than bringing up a whole boatload of memories you're trying to bounce back from -- as is the case right after a break-up.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Another 5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

Divorce sucks. Even if it's ultra-friendly and mutual, it's still a situation we wouldn't wish on our most memorable high-school nemesis. There are all sorts of feelings we have to deal with afterwards: grief, frustration, low-self esteem, guilt, confusion, anger (plus about a hundred more over the course of recovery! When we're healed enough to dive back into the dating scene, a lot of those feelings still linger, and because the first date back and the process of getting to know new people in a romantic setting is part of bouncing back, it can be a very bumpy road. In a series of fifteen tips on how to deal with the First Date, here are the last five Don'ts to help keep that road as smooth as possible.

1) Don't stress if you find yourself acting totally weird. Be honest and laugh it off: "I'm sorry -- that was weird. I just started dating again after my divorce last year, and I'm afraid I'm a little nervous." Laying your cards out on the table can often release tension and make the night fun. Although it's perhaps not ideal to announce you're freshly divorced (your date may wonder if they're a rebound), letting them know you're nervous is flattering for them, and unless they're really not feeling it, being honest and making yourself a bit vulnerable by revealing what's really going on will definitely break the ice. Note: Make sure the conversation steers away from divorce and your past relationship after your explanation -- a simple "It just wasn't meant to be" will suffice if they ask what happened.

2) Even after all the mental pep-talks, you're still freaking out. Don't worry. If small talk makes you sweat and you feel like you're not going to have anything to say, prepare ahead of time. Sit down the day or week before and make an exhaustive list of everything you can think of that's interesting to you: places you've visited, things you're interested in (art, wine, cars, design, sports, etc.), your dreams, your job, your kids; and then make a cheat sheet to put in your pocket or purse. If, halfway through the date, you find yourself struggling for things to talk about, go to the bathroom and look at your list. Hopefully it will refresh your memory and give you conversational fodder for at least another 30 minutes.

3) Don't freak out if you clam up and can't think of anything to say. Instead, listen to your date talk. People LOVE to be listened to -- it's flattering to have that much attention paid to you. If you're just not feeling like talking (because you're nervous or you need a bit more time to get out of your shell), be the question instigator instead of the person on the receiving end. By asking interesting, open-ended questions (What's your dream vacation? Where would you most want to live if you could live anywhere? Dream job?), you can keep up the listening for quite a while, which will hopefully be enough time for you to get comfortable.

4) Don't stick around if there's no connection. It's OK to bail. There's no law that says you need to suffer through three hours of an awful date. It's a great idea to make the first part of the date drinks or coffee-based (which should take about 20 minutes if it's bad, and however long you want if it's good), and then only suggest dinner if things go well. That way, if things suck and you're just not feeling it, you can bail after the drinks (by saying you have other plans) and your date is none the wiser.

5) Don't overdo it on the Pinot Noir. It can be very tempting to imbibe more than usual in a potentially uncomfortable situation (like a first date after a disastrous break-up.) However, drinking to the point of lowered inhibitions seldom turns out as well as we would hope. Drinking heavily has the nasty side effect of magnifying whatever emotions we were feeling before we had one too many, and when we're in a situation where emotions are high, this can be a recipe for disaster (venting about your ex to your unsuspecting first date is not advised). Know your limit and take care not to overdo it (as tempting as the liquid courage may be.)

Because the First Date is a natural part of the healing and bouncing back process, it's a good time to be a little selfish and focus on you -- how you're feeling, whether or not you're ready, and if this is what you want to be doing right now. There's no "right time" or "should" in bouncing back from divorce. It's an at-your-own-pace sort of situation. The First Date is pretty much always going to be a little scary, a lot nerve-wracking and somewhat bumpy, so take your time, enjoy the ride and don't worry if a break is needed every now and again to take stock and figure out if you're still on the right road.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

What to expect and how to behave on that most momentous of days -- the first date after a bad breakup or a divorce -- is often a mystery. Even if the relationship didn't last that long, when the breakup is traumatic enough to negatively affect your life, it doesn't matter how long or short the relationship was. When we dive in to something deeply enough, we forget what it is to be without that person -- and that is what makes the breakup so difficult. We have to learn to be single again, and how to date as this new person we've become. All of this adds up to making the first date after the breakup a Really Big Deal.

Here are the first five of fifteen tips to make the first date transition a little easier.

1. Don't talk about your past relationship. It may be tempting -- after all, that relationship may be all you've known for the last two or ten or thirty years. Instead, talk about things that you like to do, books you've read, movies you like, and places you've visited. If a funny story fits into the conversation that your ex was a part of (because, say, you were on vacation together when this event occurred), gloss over it by not mentioning your ex at all, or by referring to them as your ex and leaving it at that. No further explanation needed. After all, your ex is (hopefully) not the point of the story and serves no greater relevance than setting the scene.

2. Don't let the fear rule. Instead, expect fear and embrace it. Unless you're a superhero with iron-clad confidence, it's totally natural and normal to be freaked out about a first date. So instead of focusing on the fear and letting it rule your day or week leading up to the date, acknowledge it and let it go. It's there. It doesn't deserve any further attention than a "Hello."

 3. Don't have any expectations. Instead, expect nothing from the date. This date may turn out to be a ton of fun, or it may tank, or it may be mediocre. You have no way of knowing ahead of time what will happen. First dates can be nerve-inducing when they're just everyday first dates. When they're the first date after a big hiatus? It's easy to work yourself into a flurry of what ifs. To avoid this and enjoy the evening, get rid of any and all expectations about them, about how the date will go, and any potential outcome of the date. This will allow you to enjoy your time getting to know this person without stressing that things are or aren't going as you expected.

4. Don't rebound. This person does not have to be your next relationship. In fact, unless you're totally and truly over your past relationship and are totally happy and secure with yourself, it's probably a good idea to get used to the dating game again (and to get used to being single and getting to know yourself as a whole rather than one-half of a relationship) before you dive into something new. Focus on making friends and if something happens down the line? Great. If not, no worries.

5. Don't pressure yourself. Recovering from a major breakup can sometimes take years. So go at your own pace. When you're ready to date, you'll date. There's no set, proper time-frame for bouncing back and moving on.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in our lives. It just sucks. That first date after your divorce is a physical representation to yourself that you're ready to move forward with your life, and as such can be a totally scary, nerve-wracking, nervous sweat-inducing event. Taking the pressure off yourself and what the date means can do wonders for making it fun rather than scary. And when you're bouncing back and trying to move forward, scary is bad. So, be yourself, don't pressure yourself into feeling or doing anything you're not ready for, and most of all, remember to enjoy it for what it is: a fun couple hours with a potential new friend.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 More Ways to Fatten Up Your Personal Independence Piggy Bank

Breakups are rough -- not just on our emotions, but also on our self-esteem, our self-worth and our confidence in our ability to succeed in life and in new relationships. It's important to make sure you're as happy and healthy (both emotionally and otherwise) as possible all the time, but it's even more important right after a breakup to give your inner self a hug, and make sure you're doing everything you can to support healing and making that inner you feel safe, confident and happy again. This is the second in a two-part series about how to boost the level of the pile of change in your personal independence piggy bank. Here are five more ways to make sure you're doing everything you can to make sure you're happy and healthy as possible.

1) Take a pole dancing class. There are lots of people coming from lots of different backgrounds (psychology, fitness, health & wellness) who recommend pole-dancing for many different, very positive reasons. It's fun. It's a great workout. It's a great way to express yourself. But mostly? Mostly it lets you tap into that inner goddess -- the one who's sexy and confident. Bring her out as much as possible, and you'll find your self-esteem, self-worth and confidence fly right back up the scale to a higher place than they've ever been before.

2) Plan your dream vacation. Even if you can't actually go on it for another five years, start planning it and figure out how much you need to save each month to make it happen. Acting on a dream and planning for the future is a great way to remind yourself of your ability to succeed and follow through, and also gives you something to look forward to -- a very useful thing on those bad days.

3) Teach yourself a new skill. Whether it be flower arranging, cooking, candle-making, sewing, knitting or playing the guitar, not only is a new hobby a great way to focus on the future and give distract yourself from the negative, but it's a great way to show yourself what you're capable of. This is a great confidence booster. Plus, you'll walk away knowing how to do something new, and if you took a class to learn how, you'll probably have some new friends as well.

4) Volunteer. Contact a charity you believe in and sign up to volunteer your time, even if it's only for an hour a week. Soup kitchens, animal shelters, beach/lake/highway clean-ups or child and adult literacy programs -- whatever you feel strongly about is where you should go. Donating your time is a great way to help out a good cause, it's a great distraction, an excellent way to meet like-minded good people and it feels good. What's not to like?

5) Hang with friends on a Wednesday night and laugh as much as possible. Organize a mid-week outing with good friends. Whether it be trivia night, dinner and drinks or a movie, mixing up your routine and throwing some unexpected fun into the middle of the week is a great pick-me-up and a great way to remind yourself of the good in your life. When you know you have good around you, it's a whole lot easier to deal with the non-ideal things that life throws at us.

Life can be tough, and we have to stay on our toes and actively make an effort to make sure we're happy and emotionally healthy. Choosing activities that you know will boost your confidence, self-esteem and self-worth is a really good idea anytime, but especially so when you're feeling less than stellar. So give your inner self some flowers, a hug and some gentle prodding to get them (and you) bouncing back to where you want to be -- safe, happy and confident.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Stoked About Getting Dumped

We all fall into one of two categories: the dumpers and the dumpees. There is some overlap, but most of us have a preference when it comes to ending a relationship, fling, or changing the status of “friends with benefits” to “just friends”. The dumpers are the people who dump before they can get dumped, or — more nicely put — they are more proactive and end something when an end is needed.

The dumpees (usually my M.O.) beat the dead horse of a relationship until they get dumped so they don’t have to confront the problem, or in other words, they want to be absolutely sure that the relationship should end so they keep it going for as long as it takes to eliminate all possibility of regret.Yes, I generalize. Obviously there are exceptions and often — as is the case with relationships — extenuating circumstances. Only rarely does breaking something off work out so that both parties walk away happy.

This rare circumstance found a friend of mine recently.

My friend (we’ll call her Betsy), had gone on about ten dates with this guy she had originally scoped out on an online dating site (one far less superior to PickV, so it’s not even worth mentioning), but didn’t hear back from when she sent him an email. Used to the crap-shoot that can be online dating emailing, she let it go and moved on. That weekend, she was at a friend’s house party and much to her surprise, so was this guy. Her friend introduced them, not knowing that they already had a connection, and as soon as their mutual friend left them to talk, the guy said, “I’m so sorry I didn’t email you back. It’s been a crazy week at work, and I haven’t had any time for anything but eating, sleeping and working. I was going to email you back next week, but this is way better. Hi.” Betsy smiled. The guy smiled. A connection was born.

After about four months and ten dates (the first of which Betsy swears was in her top five best dates ever), things fizzled, as they do. Both Betsy and the guy had other online-born connections that they would occasionally go out with, and Betsy and the guy kept having schedule conflicts, which didn’t allow them to bond as quickly as some of the other connections they both had. End result: after a few months, Betsy was feeling like it was time to call it, and try a friendship with the guy instead. She liked him as a person, but the romantic spark hadn’t lasted past the first date.

She was nervous about talking to him, since she didn’t know where he stood or what he was feeling. She is also a fan of being the dumpee, so switching sides and initiating an end was a new situation for her. She finally psyched herself up enough to make the phone call (she decided doing it in person was too intense for their particular situation), and when she got him on the phone, he seemed really happy to hear from her — relieved, almost. Cringing, she started into her pre-prepared talk, but only got as far as “So, I’ve been thinking…” before the connection cut out and she was unable to get him back on the phone. A couple hours later, after trying him twice more to no avail, she received an email from him: “Betsy — I wanted to talk to you about this earlier when you called, but now my phone is dead and after it cut out I couldn’t call you back. I really didn’t want to do this over email (I like you more than that), but I think we should just be friends. I think you’re a great person, but I’m just not feeling a spark. Let me know if you still want to hang. I totally get if you don’t, so no pressure, OK?”

How stoked was Betsy? Very stoked. It’s so… nice when things work out like this and no one gets hurt, right? Here’s to hoping that the next time you find that the spark has fizzled, whichever side you prefer (dumper or dumpee), things work out every time as well as Betsy and her dude.

Yours in pleasant endings, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

5 Ways to Put Some Change in Your Personal Independence Piggy Bank

A relationship breakup can take a serious toll on our self esteem and self-worth -- both of which affect how able we feel to tackle the world and live our lives. It's vital to a healthy recovery to re-build both. So while we celebrate the anniversary of our nation's independence, take some time to make sure you put some serious coinage back in your personal independence piggy bank as well. Here are five ideas to do just that.

1. Get a haircut. Getting a haircut or changing your hair color is an easy way to make a big change to your appearance and boost your self confidence. It's also a great way to start fresh and shed negative associations and feelings that you may have about the break-up. Being reminded that you're starting fresh every time you look in the mirror is exciting, and can have a huge positive effect on your self-esteem.

2. Bust out of your mold. Go out with friends and dress completely differently for a night -- as in out of your normal comfort zone different: go goth, super girly, fifties, sexy, etc. The point is to let out a side of yourself that's been hidden and explore it. Costuming it up for a night is a great way to bond with friends, have a great time and try on a new look for an evening.

3. Dance. Find your favorite 2 or 5 or 10 friends and go out dancing for a night. Salsa, swing, top 100 - whatever floats your boat. The point is to have a great time, feel the music and let loose. If you don't want to go out, have some friends over and start your own dance party. Dancing is a very deep-rooted way to express emotion and release energy. Don't worry about how good or not you are -- just enjoy expressing yourself.

4. Go thrift market hunting. Experimentation with clothing and apartment/house decoration is a great way to find the new you and assert yourself to the world. Being able to do it for not much money? Fantastic.

5. Channel your inner creativity. Sign up for a creative class: painting, writing, photography, sculpture, etc.. Expressing yourself creatively is a fantastic for developing independence because releasing your emotions creatively can be incredibly cathartic and can show you parts of yourself you didn't know were there. If you're not feeling the catharsis, just enjoy the distraction of focusing on creating something new. It's a win-win.

A big part of recovering from a relationship breakup is focusing on you. It's a time to self-reflect, to learn and to grow. By choosing activities that not only distract us and give us joy, but also grow us as people and help restore what we've temporarily lost in the trauma of a relationship ending, we can end up on the other side as healthier, happier people. Fill up your independence piggy bank as often as possible and you'll find yourself moving onwards and upwards in no time.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.