When Dating Sucks: 5 Ways to Keep It Fun

Dating can be an emotional roller-coaster that takes from nauseating depression to euphoric highs -- all in the span of a few hours -- depending on what's going on. This is exhausting. It's also typically what causes the dating burn-out that makes us want to give up and run a cat-rescue clinic out of our living room. Putting up a wall to protect ourselves from the roller-coaster would be on obvious potential solution, but this up-and-down cycle is also one of the best parts of dating (or at least the euphoric high is), so it would be a shame to cut ourselves off from that all together. Fortunately, we don't have to -- here are five ways to keep the fun and banish the burn-out.

1) Don't take it so seriously. Focus on enjoying the moment, and not on the what-ifs. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if I'm really excited about this person, but they end up sucking? What if they're cool but there's no chemistry between us? What if I say something dumb? What if they don't share my plans for the future? Ahhhhhh! Worrying about these puts enough pressure on every interaction to burn anyone out before they ever even go on a date. When we don't stress, we're much more laid back and fun (and don't reek of desperation), so take a step back, turn off the what-if radio and enjoy the moment.

2) Be honest. When we're honest about what we want, and the person we're on the date with doesn't want that (for example, you don't want kids, but you do want to get married), it never would have worked out with them anyway. It's easy to get bummed out about something fizzling or someone not liking us, but at least if we're honest about what we want in life (and aren't wishy-washy out of fear of alienating a date who may not feel the same way), the information is on the table and we'll rest easier knowing that we stayed true to ourselves.

3) Embrace the bad. When things take a turn for the there's-not-a-shot-in-hell-for-a-second-date, instead of getting bummed, enjoy the date for whatever it's worth: having an interesting conversation, gathering details for your friends about how bad a date can get, or using your date as a mirror and asking them what their perception is of you. Our internal perceptions of ourselves don't always match what we project on the outside, so in a situation where you know it's not going anywhere and therefore the pressure is gone, figure out if there's anything they see about you that doesn't match with how you feel inside. Everyone perceives everyone else through their own personal filter of experiences and neuroses, so take whatever they say with a grain of salt, but it can be a very interesting exercise to see yourself through someone else's eyes.

4) Keep an open mind. A tremendous asset both in our pursuit of a mate and in keeping the process fun, keeping an open mind is a solid way to keep things light, enjoyable and fun. When we date by judging whether or not they have or don't have the must-have or hell-no attributes we've amassed a list of over the past several years, we severely limit our enjoyment of them as a person and the interaction, and also probably reject some people we may have found ourselves compatible with. It's very stressful to try and figure out, over the course of a 30-minute drink, whether or not we see ourselves marrying this person eventually. So, leave the lists at home and enjoy getting to know them -- without thinking about the future at all. Is the conversation fun and easy? Do they make you laugh? Are they fun to flirt with? Our chemistry with someone is ultimately a much more important metric of measuring whether we want a second date than judging them on what they're wearing or what their drink choice supposedly says about them.

5) Focus on you. Do things you want to do and let any worry about "I need to meet someone in the next year so that I can get married and have a baby by 20XX" (or whatever it is that's stressing you out) control your life. Life is not controllable, nor can organic things like developing a relationship be pushed into a timeline. So do the things that make you happy, explore yourself and explore new hobbies to enrich your life and grow as a person. When you're totally happy with yourself and excited about life, it's extremely attractive and you will attract what you want.

As disillusioned as we may become with the perceived dearth of available and compatible-with-us dates, in order to enjoy the dating process, we need to remember why we're doing it to begin with (to meet someone we like), and focus on enjoying the process rather than resenting it. It's exciting to go on a first date with someone new -- the outcome is a complete mystery each and every time: maybe we'll learn something new about ourselves. Maybe they'll introduce us to something new we didn't know we liked. Maybe we'll click with them. Maybe we won't, but they'll end up being a friend. Maybe they'll really dislike us and we'll learn that (for example) although we feel happy inside, we're not showing that outwardly and therefore look depressed and angry when we're not. Maybe the conversation will be fantastic. Maybe the date will be so awkward, it will be funny. These maybes are the fun and exciting part of dating, and as long as we focus on enjoying the unknown them rather than fearing the potential outcomes of the date, we can get all the good and none of the bad in our quest to find our future -- no game playing necessary. 

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, and also on Yahoo! Shine.

When the Date Rocked, but the Aftermath Didn't - 5 Tips for Staying Positive When Things Don't Pan Out

We've all been there: The first date was amazing - we connected, we laughed, we tingled in "This might be it" anticipation - and then, for inexplicable reasons, things fizzled. Maybe they didn't call again, maybe there's been no further connection and things aren't progressing like we feel like they should, or maybe we discovered a deal-breaker. Whatever happened, this is a hard, and very discouraging situation to deal with. Dating, for most of us, is a violent series of ups and downs, and when the ups don't keep us up, the resulting downs can really suck.

Here are five tips for keeping our spirits, our energy and our hopes up when dating gets us down:

1) Focus on the positive. Part of the reason dating is so hard is because we tend to place very high expectations on what we want and what we hope for. If instead we focus on enjoying each date for what it is -- a fun (or really bad, and therefore funny-because-it-sucks) night out with someone new -- we can regulate our ups and downs much more effectively. Each new person we interact with teaches us about ourselves, how we're perceived, and what we like and don't like. So instead of getting bummed about something not working out, place the focus on what we liked about that person and in the future, seek out those traits. Were they adventurous? Join a hiking club or a rock climbing gym to meet others like them. Were they relaxed and at peace with life? Start going to yoga classes. Yes, it's a bummer when we thought something was there and then found out it wasn't -- it's very easy to get discouraged. But ultimately, we're in this game to meet someone and getting discouraged doesn't help. So focus on the positive and put the negative in a box, only to be examined in the company of friends during your next group pity party.

2) Take a deep breath. Do yoga. Relax. Meditate. Walk. Run. Join a kickboxing class and bang out your frustrations. Exercise, meditation and focusing inward like we do during yoga all helps to put things in perspective, elevate our mood and relieve stress. These are all positives when our dating lives are annoyingly off-track.

3) Hang out with friends. When we're bummed out, we can have the tendency to hole up on our apartments and hibernate in our self-pity. Don't do this. Call a friend and meet for coffee, a day of thrift shopping, a mini-road trip or happy hour. Talk it out. Laugh about the good dates and the bad. Friends are there to support us and lift us when we're down (just as we're there for them). Use them.

4) Change it up. If things are consistently not going well, it may be time to change up our MO for meeting people. Online dating fan? Take a co-ed class or join a co-ed club, doing something you enjoy -- new friends (or their friends) can equal new dates. Constantly getting set up by friends? Try online dating. The bar scene not panning out like you'd planned? Try online, getting set-up or expanding your activity circle. After all - what have we got to lose? If our current mode of finding dates isn't working, what's the harm in trying something new for a while?

5) Dial Down Your Dating Focus. When we place dating (and finding a new love) at the top of our personal priority list, it's easy to be very (and overly) affected every time something goes well or goes badly. Some people thrive on intense focus, so if that's your thing, rage on. However, if you're finding yourself getting sick on your emotional roller coaster, it's time to back off a bit and insert some other priorities in as well, like doing things that make you happy. After all, when we focus on making ourselves happy (by pursuing hobbies, hanging out with friends and kicking ass at work), we're more confident in ourselves. Confidence is attractive.

As clichéd as it sounds, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. So each time our dating lives kick us down, finding the strength to get back up and carry on -- head held high -- is an immense positive. We learn who we are, what we're capable of (and recovering from) and how we handle ourselves and each time things suck, we get stronger for having had the practice to move forward. Getting through the hard times is what builds our character and makes us great, so even though it's incredibly rough to deal with having yet another great date not pan out, it's vital to remain as positive as possible and move on. And who knows -- the next date may be THE date...

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

3 Tips for Staying Positive When First Dates Go to the Dark Side

Sometimes first dates are amazing. There's amazing chemistry, amazing conversation and we end the date feeling amazingly optimistic about the future. And sometimes? Sometimes first dates get on the high-speed elevator to hell and/or crazy-town and we're left mystified, discouraged, annoyed and sad, which is not only no fun, but can put a serious damper on our enjoyment of the dating life -- and who wants that? Here are three bad-date scenarios and tips to allow us to enjoy these horrid first dates for all they're worth -- the worse the better.

1) Absolutely no chemistry. Sometimes, the spark just isn't there: maybe you don't like the way they smell. Maybe the way they eat grosses you out. Maybe you just learned something that's a deal-breaker and you know there's not a shot in hell of this ever working. To salvage some enjoyment from this date, verbally acknowledge the non-chemistry. Chances are good that if you're not feeling it, neither are they (and if they are feeling it, it's better to let them know now rather than later.) Acknowledgement removes the awkwardness of being on a bad first date, and turns the situation into a much more comfortable setting where the pressure of deciding whether or not you like each other is lifted. Talk about all the bad dates you've both been on and enjoy an hour or two of laughing about how much dating can suck. Who knows -- you might find a new friend.

2) They're completely obnoxious. Perhaps they just spent 45 minutes talking about their recent sexual conquests or maybe all they've done since meeting you is complain about everything, including you. In this situation, you can either sit back and enjoy the hilarity if someone making a complete jerk of themselves, or you can egg them on with some well chosen questions, all in the name of making the date even worse than it already is. Everyone loves a good bad-date story, and if you can push this one into epic-bad-date territory, you'll have cocktail party fodder for the next several years.

3) Things were great until the "But..." In those situations where the date appears to be in the running for Best Date Ever, and then does a 180 when they reveal the "But..." (such as "But, I'm married," "But, I'm starting a ten-year jail sentence next week," or "But, I'm fleeing the country tomorrow because I haven't paid my taxes in 15 years,"), stick around long enough to get the back-story (it's bound to be interesting), and do your best to trade in your disappointment for some real, no-social-filters conversation. Why did they go on a date if they knew they were going to be unavailable? Has it worked in the past? What were/are they looking for? Treat it like an interview and again -- be prepared to gather some major stories to share with your friends at brunch the next day.

First dates are something many of us loathe because it can be so disappointing if they go badly. However, if we can turn our perception of these bad dates into opportunities for fun stories to share with friends for years to come, or the opportunity to make a new friend (instead of finding a new lover), we can find humor, light and fun where there was only dark, heavy disappointment before. And what's the point in dwelling in the latter when every first date (no matter how bad) can potentially be turned into an enjoyable evening?

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Dating Before Your Divorce Is Final: How to Break the News You're Not Officially Single Yet

As if getting a divorce isn't a big enough hurdle to get through, it can often take many months, even years, to finalize the paperwork. And when your paper divorce trails far behind your emotional divorce -- as in, you're dating again because you're completely over your ex, but your papers are still stuck in court -- it can create some awkward moments with your new dates. When do you tell them? How do you make it clear that you're completely committed to moving on, even though it's going to be another year before you have the official "I'm single" piece of paper?

Here are three tips to help you navigate those murky post-breakup, pre-officially-divorced waters:

1. When do you drop the news? Waiting until things get more serious can make it sound like you've been deliberately keeping a secret, which can put cracks in any trust that's begun to form between you and your new potential love. On the other hand, dropping the news 15 minutes into your first date with them can be really intense and awkward, as well as making a bigger deal out of it than need be. The best bet is to do it sometime during the second or third date, when you know that you actually like this person and could potentially see things going somewhere.

2. How do you tell them? The most organic way is to let them know if it comes up in conversation, i.e. if you're asked about your past relationships. There's no need to make a huge deal out of it: a simple "My ex-husband/wife and I ended things a couple years ago, and the divorce should be finalized in about six months," (or however long it's going to be), is all that's necessary. If the topic doesn't look like it's going to come up naturally, wait for a pause in the conversation, take their hands and say something like: "I like you, and I would definitely like to see if this goes somewhere. However, in the name of full disclosure, I should let you know that although I am completely single emotionally, I'm technically still married. The divorce papers are the courts right now, and should be finalized sometime in the next six months."

3. How do you make it clear things are OVER with your ex? If your new potential significant other has any misgivings about finding out you're still technically married, their insecurities will most likely come up in the days following your announcement. To prevent as much insecurity as possible, it can help immensely to give a very brief description of what happened ("The spark was gone and we decided it was better to go our separate ways," or "S/he was unfaithful, so we decided to end things,") plus an assurance that you've worked through what happened and are completely 100% ready to move forward. That way, they won't sit there, wonder what happened and fret over whether or not you're actually over it. Avoid diving fully into what happened: on only the second or third date, this is potentially TMI. But a short, sweet and non-angry description (if you're still actively and uncontrollably hurt or angry, you may have some more work to do to move completely through it) of what happened should help alleviate any fears your date may have.

Divorce and the requisite scars that the dissolution of a long-term relationship can leave behind can take a while to heal, and there's no "right way" or time-frame to move on. For some, the readiness to move forward and onward happens waaaaay before the divorce papers are finalized, and for others, it takes a little longer. Only we can tell when we're ready to find love again.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine. 

Dating Dish: 5 First Date Awkward Bombs and How to Handle Them

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

5 First Date Awkward Bombs and How to Handle Them

Another 5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

Divorce sucks. Even if it's ultra-friendly and mutual, it's still a situation we wouldn't wish on our most memorable high-school nemesis. There are all sorts of feelings we have to deal with afterwards: grief, frustration, low-self esteem, guilt, confusion, anger (plus about a hundred more over the course of recovery! When we're healed enough to dive back into the dating scene, a lot of those feelings still linger, and because the first date back and the process of getting to know new people in a romantic setting is part of bouncing back, it can be a very bumpy road. In a series of fifteen tips on how to deal with the First Date, here are the last five Don'ts to help keep that road as smooth as possible.

1) Don't stress if you find yourself acting totally weird. Be honest and laugh it off: "I'm sorry -- that was weird. I just started dating again after my divorce last year, and I'm afraid I'm a little nervous." Laying your cards out on the table can often release tension and make the night fun. Although it's perhaps not ideal to announce you're freshly divorced (your date may wonder if they're a rebound), letting them know you're nervous is flattering for them, and unless they're really not feeling it, being honest and making yourself a bit vulnerable by revealing what's really going on will definitely break the ice. Note: Make sure the conversation steers away from divorce and your past relationship after your explanation -- a simple "It just wasn't meant to be" will suffice if they ask what happened.

2) Even after all the mental pep-talks, you're still freaking out. Don't worry. If small talk makes you sweat and you feel like you're not going to have anything to say, prepare ahead of time. Sit down the day or week before and make an exhaustive list of everything you can think of that's interesting to you: places you've visited, things you're interested in (art, wine, cars, design, sports, etc.), your dreams, your job, your kids; and then make a cheat sheet to put in your pocket or purse. If, halfway through the date, you find yourself struggling for things to talk about, go to the bathroom and look at your list. Hopefully it will refresh your memory and give you conversational fodder for at least another 30 minutes.

3) Don't freak out if you clam up and can't think of anything to say. Instead, listen to your date talk. People LOVE to be listened to -- it's flattering to have that much attention paid to you. If you're just not feeling like talking (because you're nervous or you need a bit more time to get out of your shell), be the question instigator instead of the person on the receiving end. By asking interesting, open-ended questions (What's your dream vacation? Where would you most want to live if you could live anywhere? Dream job?), you can keep up the listening for quite a while, which will hopefully be enough time for you to get comfortable.

4) Don't stick around if there's no connection. It's OK to bail. There's no law that says you need to suffer through three hours of an awful date. It's a great idea to make the first part of the date drinks or coffee-based (which should take about 20 minutes if it's bad, and however long you want if it's good), and then only suggest dinner if things go well. That way, if things suck and you're just not feeling it, you can bail after the drinks (by saying you have other plans) and your date is none the wiser.

5) Don't overdo it on the Pinot Noir. It can be very tempting to imbibe more than usual in a potentially uncomfortable situation (like a first date after a disastrous break-up.) However, drinking to the point of lowered inhibitions seldom turns out as well as we would hope. Drinking heavily has the nasty side effect of magnifying whatever emotions we were feeling before we had one too many, and when we're in a situation where emotions are high, this can be a recipe for disaster (venting about your ex to your unsuspecting first date is not advised). Know your limit and take care not to overdo it (as tempting as the liquid courage may be.)

Because the First Date is a natural part of the healing and bouncing back process, it's a good time to be a little selfish and focus on you -- how you're feeling, whether or not you're ready, and if this is what you want to be doing right now. There's no "right time" or "should" in bouncing back from divorce. It's an at-your-own-pace sort of situation. The First Date is pretty much always going to be a little scary, a lot nerve-wracking and somewhat bumpy, so take your time, enjoy the ride and don't worry if a break is needed every now and again to take stock and figure out if you're still on the right road.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 More Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

With the recent release of Eat, Pray, Love, a movie about bouncing back after a series of breakups, self-discovery and self-growth, many of us have started fantasizing about going to Italy, India and Indonesia as well. The story is one of finding happiness, finding yourself and then finding love -- a beautiful tale and one that I'm pretty sure we all aspire to. Somewhere along that road, however, comes the First Date -- that momentous day when you go on your first date after a big breakup. Here are the second five of fifteen tips to make the First Date a little easier.

1) Be yourself. When you've been with someone for a long time, it's hard to remember what it's like to be by yourself. Relationships affect us in countless ways, and every new person we become close with teaches us something about them, about us, and about how we interact with others. As a result, "being yourself" after a breakup is challenging, because you probably don't know this new you that well. This limbo period makes us vulnerable to acting how we think others want us to act. Resist this and do your best to be you -- incenserity, no matter how well meant, is a turn-off.

2) Move at your own pace. The first date after a breakup is a big deal and it's easy to get pushed at a pace faster than you're perhaps ready for. Even if you feel great about this new person, making a concious effort to move slowly so that a real connection develops can do wonders to make the whole new relationship thing a lot more comfortable. It's scary letting someone else in after a traumatic situaiton like divorce, so give yourself a break and let things develop as they will -- don't pressure yourself into doing or being in something you're not ready for.

3) Expect awkwardness. It's going to be slightly awkward, so spend zero time stressing about that aspect of it. The first date back is usually after a long hiatus from the world of flirty small talk, and it's totally natural to be a bit rusty. If you can, enjoy the awkwardness -- it can be an ice-breaker if you can find a way to laugh about it.

4) Don't worry about what they think. Emotional confidence can be at its lowest after a breakup, and going on a date again will absolutely make you think of your last relationship, no matter how much progress you've made on the recovery road. Having an unexpected reminder of the very thing you're trying to move on from can be a bummer and a confidence suck. Ignore it and remember that the person you're on the date with wants to be there. It wouldn't be happening if they didn't.

5) It's totally fine if the date bombs. If things jump on the bullet train to hell on your long-anticipated date, don't worry about it. It happens. We're not compatible with everyone we meet. Plus, once you're through the first date, you won't have to have the "first date after divorce' again. From then on you'll just be dating.

Divorce and breakups can do a number on our emotional well-being and confidence and it's so important to remember to let yourself recover at your own pace and not worry about the "should"s: I should be dating again, I should be over it, I should be totally fine. Try not to stress about the date and enjoy getting to know someone new. If the date is fun, fantastic. If not, now you've gotten through the worst of it -- the first date back.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

What to expect and how to behave on that most momentous of days -- the first date after a bad breakup or a divorce -- is often a mystery. Even if the relationship didn't last that long, when the breakup is traumatic enough to negatively affect your life, it doesn't matter how long or short the relationship was. When we dive in to something deeply enough, we forget what it is to be without that person -- and that is what makes the breakup so difficult. We have to learn to be single again, and how to date as this new person we've become. All of this adds up to making the first date after the breakup a Really Big Deal.

Here are the first five of fifteen tips to make the first date transition a little easier.

1. Don't talk about your past relationship. It may be tempting -- after all, that relationship may be all you've known for the last two or ten or thirty years. Instead, talk about things that you like to do, books you've read, movies you like, and places you've visited. If a funny story fits into the conversation that your ex was a part of (because, say, you were on vacation together when this event occurred), gloss over it by not mentioning your ex at all, or by referring to them as your ex and leaving it at that. No further explanation needed. After all, your ex is (hopefully) not the point of the story and serves no greater relevance than setting the scene.

2. Don't let the fear rule. Instead, expect fear and embrace it. Unless you're a superhero with iron-clad confidence, it's totally natural and normal to be freaked out about a first date. So instead of focusing on the fear and letting it rule your day or week leading up to the date, acknowledge it and let it go. It's there. It doesn't deserve any further attention than a "Hello."

 3. Don't have any expectations. Instead, expect nothing from the date. This date may turn out to be a ton of fun, or it may tank, or it may be mediocre. You have no way of knowing ahead of time what will happen. First dates can be nerve-inducing when they're just everyday first dates. When they're the first date after a big hiatus? It's easy to work yourself into a flurry of what ifs. To avoid this and enjoy the evening, get rid of any and all expectations about them, about how the date will go, and any potential outcome of the date. This will allow you to enjoy your time getting to know this person without stressing that things are or aren't going as you expected.

4. Don't rebound. This person does not have to be your next relationship. In fact, unless you're totally and truly over your past relationship and are totally happy and secure with yourself, it's probably a good idea to get used to the dating game again (and to get used to being single and getting to know yourself as a whole rather than one-half of a relationship) before you dive into something new. Focus on making friends and if something happens down the line? Great. If not, no worries.

5. Don't pressure yourself. Recovering from a major breakup can sometimes take years. So go at your own pace. When you're ready to date, you'll date. There's no set, proper time-frame for bouncing back and moving on.

Divorce is one of the most traumatic events in our lives. It just sucks. That first date after your divorce is a physical representation to yourself that you're ready to move forward with your life, and as such can be a totally scary, nerve-wracking, nervous sweat-inducing event. Taking the pressure off yourself and what the date means can do wonders for making it fun rather than scary. And when you're bouncing back and trying to move forward, scary is bad. So, be yourself, don't pressure yourself into feeling or doing anything you're not ready for, and most of all, remember to enjoy it for what it is: a fun couple hours with a potential new friend.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.