What if I'm in high school?

I received an email a couple weeks ago from an enthusiastic fan, who happened to be in her second year of high school. She very astutely and aptly pointed out that many of the examples in Screw Cupid don't directly apply when you're in a situation (like high school) where you're around the same group of people everyday and who watch your every move, making opportunistic conversation with strangers challenging. She also asked for alternatives to "going out" to meet guys, since she's not of the legal drinking age yet.

Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:

"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."

You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.

Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.

Yours in problem solving,
S 

Compliments: Free Prozac

I was walking on the street a couple weeks ago, and this girl coming the other way stopped me, pointed at my shoes, said they were awesome and asked me where I got them. I shared my insider knowledge of this great local shoe place, and she and I both walked away smiling.

That weekend, I was at a party and saw this girl from across the room with the best hair I've ever seen in real life. We're talking shampoo ad hair - thick, wavy and enviably red. It was gorgeous. I recalled how nice it was to have the girl on the street compliment me, and decided to pay it forward by sharing how awesome I thought hair girl's hair was. So, I did. As it turns out, she was fresh out of a horrid break-up, had just gotten out of the salon with a haircut and color she hadn't tried before and although she liked it, was nervous about it. When I, a random girl a party, told her it was fantastic, she said it made her day. Her happiness was immediate and obvious, and made me feel great. We ended up talking for twenty minutes, decided we needed to hang out - and now I have a new friend. A lovely chain reaction started from a random girl on the street paying a compliment.

My point? Next time you see someone wearing something, doing something or having something you think is exceptional, let them know. Paying heartfelt compliments to strangers is a great way to spread a little love. It makes them feel great,which makes you feel great.

Yours in spreading the love,
S

Why do girls date assholes?

One of my friends on Facebook posted this as a question to the universe today, and because I hear it ALL THE TIME, I wanted to address it.

My theory is that girls "date assholes" because "assholes" are typically the only guys that actively hit on them. No matter how you personally define asshole (or jerk, or whatever your favorite negative term is), the definition usually includes a large ego, and therefore outward confidence. Because (a lot of) the nicer subset of the male population has had little luck hitting on women (because they don't know how and fall into a myriad of common mistakes that are easily rectified by reading Screw Cupid and/or the upcoming male version of Screw Cupid I'm currently working on), they don't do it very often, leaving the female population to be approached by only the assholes of the world.

Ever heard the complaint "There aren't any good guys left!" - it's the same story, just from the other side. When the only guys hitting on a girl are jerks, she's going to assume that jerks are the only guys available - hence the aforementioned complaint.

Yours in the belief of a plethora of nice guys,
S

*Clearly I'm generalizing - there are obviously exceptions to the "only assholes hit on girls" statement, and the "nice guys don't hit on girls successfully" statement, as well as the millions of women who refuse to date assholes. I answer in generalizations to keep in line with such a generalized question as "Why do girls date assholes?"

What if you find yourself in a situation where there’s a time crunch—where because of the situation, you or they are not going to be where you are in 15 or 30 more seconds (like on an elevator). You really want to try to initiate a conversation, even though the encounter is so fleeting. What do you do?!

This is challenging because Screw Cupid's techniques are all based on having some time to establish a connection. So, in this situation, I saw completely go against Screw Cupid's techniques and go for it. If you see someone you REALLY want to get to know better and you only have 15 seconds, I say to pull out a business card, write your cell number on the back with a "You're hot. Call me if you're interested." It's a ballsy enough move to get their attention and may just work.

There's really not much else to be done in that limited amount of time. You could also try slyly following them for a minute or two to see if they go somewhere where you could have a bit more time to start a neutral question conversation. Just to be clear, I am NOT advocating being creepy. Just think of it as an extended form of gaining proximity.

Yours in a time crunch,
S

What if you see someone’s ad online, and you’re interested in them for whatever reason, BUT they don’t actually offer much factual or other info on which to base asking a neutral question. How do you pursue such a person neutrally if there’s nothing really obvious to use as the point of neutral connection?

This one is a bit tricky, since obviously you can't use Screw Cupid's techniques to the letter. I think the answer has three options.

Option 1 is to make something up for why you're contacting them - you're researching a book, you're conducting an informal poll, or you're contacting different profile types to find out what works. Since they list no info, how has their response rate been? Call them out on their lack of information.

Option 2 could be to admit that you're intrigued, but since they listed no distinguishing characteristics on their ad/profile, you'd like to know more. Then list 10 fun facts about yourself. If you're interesting, entertaining and/or intriguing enough in your fun facts, there's a good chance they'll respond in kind. You are admitting interest with this one, which can lower the chance of success, but I think it could work with the right person.

Option 3 is to disregard Screw Cupid's techniques (by immediately indicating you're interested) and admit you're intrigued by their ad/profile and would they be up for meeting for coffee to see if a connection exists? This is a long shot because it's the most basic response out there, but since there is a possibility of it working it may be worth a try - especially if you're not comfortable with the other two.

Yours in creative contact,
S

Neutrality - What is it?

The way I define it in Screw Cupid, i.e. in the context of initiating conversation with a guy you like, neutrality is the face you put forward and an attitude that governs your body language and words. The point of being neutral is to keep him guessing as to whether or not you're interested in him, at least initially. The logic behind this is that when Person A knows that Person B likes them (which is what happens when Person B says "Hi" to Person A), Person B immediately becomes less interesting to Person A. There's no chase, and therefore no challenge.

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating stringing someone along or keeping them guessing for longer than about 10 minutes. Neutrality is about taking advantage of a social norm - i.e. that people like a little bit of a chase. Make it too easy and it's boring. Make it to hard and it's annoying. Keep it in the middle - i.e. by being neutral - and it's interesting and fun.

Neutrally yours,
S

I don't think some of the openers used as examples in Screw Cupid would work in real life. Are you really suggesting I go up to some guy and ask him about why guys grunt in the gym?

I used the example of men grunting in the gym multiple times in Screw Cupid as a humorous tool for demonstrating how openers work, and with the hope that my readers would laugh, and then think about what they personally might want to use to initiate a neutral conversation.

The "grunting man" conversational gambit does work, but as I say in the book, it depends on the context. You wouldn't want to use a funnier, more ballsy opener like the grunting opener in a coffee shop or in your photography class, nor would you want to use it if it doesn't fit with your personality type. If you're more on the shy side, one of the examples about needing information about a nearby restaurant, or a gift, or dating advice for your friend could all be good bets.

Ultimately, Screw Cupid is about learning how to initiate conversation with the men you want to talk to (and to see if you click with them) - the opener is just the door that gets you into the conversational room. Once you're there, be yourself. By using your personality as a guide, you can find an opener that fits both you and the situation. And remember - you don't need to stress too much about that initial opening question. If you click with this guy, he'll remember way more about the conversation as a whole, rather than what you said to start talking to him.

Yours in contextual conversation,
S

Have you ever lived on the East Cost? People here just don't "talk" to strangers (aka hot men). It seems like your advice would work in California, but not in the big East Coast cities.

I haven't ever lived on the East Coast full-time, no, but I've definitely noticed the vibe difference between the East and West Coasts in terms of how people communicate on the street - your point is a good one.

My advice is that if you're finding yourself in situations where it doesn't seem socially appropriate to strike up a conversation with someone you don't know, then I would suggest trying to find other venues in which to meet people - take a cooking or photography class, join a book club, join a running group - something that gives you a reason for being there and therefore makes the people you're interacting with less like strangers and more like the other people in your group. When they're the latter, it's much easier to just "talk" to them.

Yours on the left coast,
S

What's the target audience of your book? I'm in my 40s and divorced. Will this work for me?

The great thing about Screw Cupid is that it's ageless. It's geared toward any single woman - 20-80 (or older, if they're dating!). Given that I'm in my late twenties, some of my language and cultural references may indicate a younger target audience. Please don't be dissuaded by this. Screw Cupid works at any age because it teaches how to initiate conversation easily, naturally and in an ego-safe way. There's no age-limit on that.

Screw Cupid has been very popular among the 40-50+ divorced crowd and I've gotten lots of positive feedback that these women are using the techniques and having success. My mother, who is in her 60s and divorced, has been using these techniques since she read a first draft 3 years ago.

I've heard it mentioned that women in the 40s, 50s and 60s are less likely to go out in groups than women in their 20s and 30s. I don't find going out with friends a pre-requisite at all for successful conversation starting. If anything, I think it works better when you're by yourself. If you feel self-conscious about being out and alone, say your friends are "on their way" or "bailed at the last minute". Also, try to find co-ed activities/classes where it's completely socially acceptable to be there by yourself - clubs, classes, mixers.

Yours in ageless advice,
S

Internet dating - I wish you talked about this in your book! I bought your book after reading your amazing article on JDate about internet dating. I was hungry for more information......do you have more articles on how to use your techniques/advice for internet dating?

I'm so glad you liked the internet dating section and you liked the JDate article. I'm currently working on a series of articles on internet dating, so keep an eye on my blog - screwcupid.blogspot.com or on my twitter account (twitter.com/screwcupid), for updates. If you have particular topics you'd like me to cover, please let me know and I'll address them.

Yours online,
S

I think for introverts (like myself) your target of meeting 10 new men in one evening is unattainable, exhausting and out of the question! What do you recommend for the more introverted?

When I mention the 10 new guys a night option, I mention it only to show that's it's possible to meet this many, should you choose to. By no means am I advocating making yourself uncomfortable and exhausted trying to meet as many people as possible!

If you're feeling introverted, I recommend starting out small and getting more bold as you gain confidence and comfort. For example, practice just getting close enough to a guy you find attractive that you could start a conversation if you wanted to (with a reason to be there besides him, of course!). This is outlined clearly in Screw Cupid (pg. 64, "5 Techniques to Build Skills and Confidence").

Using openers to start conversations takes some practice and I want my readers to be comfortable. The point is to meet a guy you connect with, so take your time and enjoy the process.

Yours in connecting,
S

Why can’t I just say “Hi”?

Ah. My favorite question. So many people think this is the optimal way of initiating conversation with that hot someone you've had your eye on. I disagree. Here's why:

Saying “Hi” forces a split second decision from the guy about whether he wants to continue the conversation, and ultimately, whether or not he wants to date you. This is because saying “Hi” is what we say when what we really mean is “You’re hot and I want to date you”. It's uncomfortable for the person being hit on, and it doesn’t work very often (and believe me, I’ve tried).

Why?

Because I have given those guys two seconds to decide how they are going to respond—and most guys make their decision about a girl in the first ½ second when she makes it obvious she likes him. Since my value was already decreased because I had “hit on him”, my odds sucked for success. He knows I like him (which is boring and makes me a whole lot less interesting) and he's uncomfortable (from having to judge me). It may work sometimes, but it’s not a reliable way to open a communication channel with someone.

Yours in reliability,
S

What do I do if I can tell he’s not into me?

If you sense that the conversation isn't going well, you can bail at any point. You can keep your dignity intact by just saying “Thanks for your input—that’s really helped me out.” If at any point the guy thought that you might have been hitting on him, this will completely negate that conclusion. You just left the conversation, and you wouldn't have done that if you were into him.

Yours in ego-safety,
S

What do I do if it doesn’t work?

Sometimes it won’t work. You're learning, and mistakes will be made. The more you practice, the better you'll get. Initiating conversation will come very easily to some, and will take a lot of practice for others. In 99% of cases, it's definitely not something you can expect to just go out and do and have it flow flawlessly. So give yourself a break and try again. I can't even tell you how many times I bombed a conversation when I was figuring this out.

Also, remember that dating is a numbers game. And now that you have the power to talk to anyone you want, if one opener gets screwed up, it doesn't matter in the slightest. There are hundreds more where he came from. If you mess up an opener, rather than getting bummed out, think about it like you've just gained some knowledge about where your potential hang-ups are.

Yours in fishing,
S

The thought of initiating conversation makes me feel like I'm going to puke. How do I get over this?

I hear you. The good news is that the more you do this, the less nervous you'll become and the better you'll get at it. For me, opening a Hot Guy is a very similar experience to public speaking. I get nervous and I get butterflies. I sometimes even do that nervous slight sweat thing, but once I’m in, I’m totally fine. I’ve gotten to the point now where I love the nerves—they keep me sharp and the rush is great. Practice is the key - it makes a huge difference in your comfort level, especially if you're a bit shy and aren't used to initiating conversation with people.

Also, if you think about how these openers are staged, it would be natural for you to be a bit nervous—you are asking a random stranger for advice, after all. So if you feel nervous, let it show a little bit. I find it works best when I don’t stare at the guy the whole time. I also look up or down when I’m “thinking” about something, like their response. You want to make this as realistic as possible. If you’re starting to talk too fast for them to understand you, or you’re stuttering or fidgeting or otherwise conveying that you are freaked out, you may want to practice a bit more. Otherwise he’ll wonder what’s up.

Yours in not puking,
S

I don’t get this whole “making up openers” thing. What advice can you give me?

When you're thinking up your own openers, remember that whatever you ask the guy needs to be something that he'll know the answer to. You cannot, for example, expect the average guy to know how awesome the new Christian Louboutin's are, or why so-and-so was on the cover AGAIN of that magazine. There are millions of things that are sex-neutral that you can bring up: dating, good local restaurants, movie opinions and current news are all good bets for opening questions.

On that same note, asking a guy something that he can be knowledgeable about plays up the damsel in distress scenario. Guys (yes, I'm generalizing) like feeling like they know more than you. It makes them feel powerful. And though I am definitely not advocating dumbing yourself down to get a guy, it doesn't really matter if you know the answer to the question or not, in the end. Guys like to help girls—it makes them feel macho.

Also, actively avoid yes or no questions - these are conversation killers. Opinion questions invite further conversation and have the added benefit of the guy feeling like he's doing the conversational running and cleverly coming up with conversation on the basis of what you're saying. He'll feel like he's hitting on you rather than vice versa.

Yours in neutral openers,
S

I made up a poker opener: “My friends and I were arguing: does a flush beat a straight or is it the other way around?” but I can’t get it to work. What am I doing wrong?

This is maybe salvageable as an opening question, as long as you have something strong that you can lead into afterwards to continue the conversation. I'm guessing this is not happening by your comment that it's currently not working. The way it stands right now, the guy is just going to say “A flush beats a straight” or “I don’t know” and then that’s the end of your conversation.

The real problem is that your question is not really a matter of opinion, it is just a factual question that the guy either knows the answer to or he doesn’t. It works much better to have questions that require opinions as responses. It makes the conversation more interesting and they'll talk for longer than if they were just settling a fact for you.

Yours in pocket aces,
S

What if I don’t like the guy I opened?

This happens. You get close enough to him to really see his true colors and he's not as cute as you thought. Or he says something that makes you internally wince and you figure out he's definitely not the guy for you.

If this happens, bail on the interaction ASAP. Just say brightly “Thanks for your help on my dilemma”, (or whatever it was that you opened him with), “It was nice meeting you—bye!” and bail. Think no more about it. Not every guy you meet is going to be right for you.

Mistakenly yours,
S

I made up an opener, but it didn’t work. I said “Hey - can I get your opinion on something? What do you think of Lady Gaga?”

This is nearly a good opener, but the problem is the sub-communication.

Why do you care what he thinks of Lady Gaga?

The sub-communication you are making here is “You look like someone I’d like to know. I’d like to know what you think of Lady Gaga”. Asking someone’s opinion is not by itself neutral. It becomes neutral when you give them a reason for wanting their opinion that has nothing to do with them.

You could turn this into a workable opener by saying “Hey—can I get your opinion on something? My friends and I are arguing about Lady Gaga. One of my friends says that guys don’t like her music. But that’s BS, right? Can you help me talk some sense into her?” From his perspective, you’re not asking because he's hot and you want to get to know him, you want his opinion to help you with an argument. This is a subtle difference, but it will make all the difference.

Yours in Fame,
S

I have a crush on my co-worker’s friend. We’ve been introduced a couple times, but he seemed kind of quiet. Since I already know him, as an acquaintance, how do I start a conversation with him? Your advice is based purely on how to approach someone you don’t know at all.

This is not nearly as tricky as it might seem. I know what you mean about some of the openers assuming no knowledge about the Hot Guy and therefore not being the best choices for someone you’re acquainted with. However, some of the other more “I desperately have a question I need answered” based openers will work just fine. Let me show you:

YOU: Hi! I think we’ve met a couple times—you’re [insert co-worker’s name here]’s friend right?
HIM: Yeah. You’re [insert your name], right?
YOU: Yep, that’s me! Can I ask you a question? I just got off the phone with my girl friend, and we’re utterly perplexed. She went on a date last week with this dude, and it went well. He called today and left her a voicemail that said “Had fun, see you around”. What does that mean, in guy speak? Should she call him back?
HIM: I’d say he’s playing it cool. If he was desperate to see her again, he would have asked her out again. 

YOU: Huh. Do you think she should call him?
HIM: If she wants to—as long as she realizes that it’s possible he’s not that into it. You sound dubious—do you think she should call him?

Now they’ve got a conversation going and it should be relatively easy to segueway into another topic—movies, thoughts on good restaurants (starting with the one the friend went to on her date, perhaps?), travel, etc.

Yours in co-worker crushing,
S