Dating Dish: Grab Your Flippy-Floppies, Because Your Next Date Is On a Boat.

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

Grab Your Flippy-Floppies, Because Your Next Date is On a Boat

Photo credit: Amanda O'Brien

Just for fun: I’m On A Boat (ft. T-Pain)

The Perfect First Date Follow-Up

You’ve had the first date, and it rocked. Maybe hands were held, maybe there was a kiss, maybe there was even sex — it doesn’t matter. Bottom line, it was great and you want to see this person again.

How do you go about creating the perfect follow-up so that you:

- Maintain the awesome, totally chill but fun persona you had going on the first date (to prove that it wasn’t a fluke)?

- Don’t seem too desperate (because looking desperate supersedes any points you got on the rockin’ first date)?

- Make it clear you like them (because nobody likes to be kept in the dark with mixed signals), while hiding the fact that you’re REALLY into this person and you’ve already thought about your future together (something to keep hidden so that you don’t freak them out)?

There are many differing opinions about how long you should wait to call a person after you’ve had the first date, varying from the no-games/heart-on-sleeve ASAP to making them wait a week. Like Goldilocks, I’m a fan of the middle option - 2 to 3 days. As in, if you went out on Saturday, Tuesday mid-morning is a perfect follow-up time.

What form should this follow-up take? Again - the opinions range from 64 long stem roses delivered to the office with a note professing your love to maybe sending an email or a text a week after the fact. I’m a big proponent of the voicemail — not just any voicemail — but a carefully crafted, short and sweet message conveying your hip lifestyle, endearment through sassiness and most importantly, a reason that you require their company as a certain time.

Here’s the three-step breakdown:

1) The ideal follow-up voicemail mentions what a good time you had (so as to indicate your interest and appreciation of the good time you had, but tempered to keep your total excitement under control about your future life together — there’s time for that on date three and beyond:  “Hey! It’s [your name here]. I had a great time with you on Saturday.”

2) Then, you mention an event that you must attend, real or created for the sole purpose of the voicemail (a friend’s birthday party, your cousin’s art gallery opening for which you require a co-pilot, or a concert you have two tickets to but your friend just bailed and you need a date) — “So, I need a date for this thing on Thursday night….Do you want to be my plus one for the evening?”

3) Wrap it up with a short and sweet ending: “Call me back. [your number here].”

You have a reason to be calling them besides confessing your undying love after spending such an amazing evening with them (always good), you’ve suggested the next potential activity, which saves both of you the awkward should-we-do-coffee-or-hiking conversation, and the fact that you were going to be going anyway and you’re inviting them along because you need a date (or need to give away a concert ticket), conveys with no uncertainty your lack of desperation. You’re clearly social, fun and busy — all good things.

If they happen to pick up the phone instead of you being able to leave your voicemail, the same rules apply - keep it short and sweet, pass along the invitation and have a reason to be getting off the phone: “I’m at work so I can’t talk long, but wanted to call and see if you were available for xyz on Friday - I need a date.”

Yours in second date bliss, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor. 

Don't Throw the Baby Out with the Bathwater: Making Sure Your Next Date Isn't Based Entirely on Your Ex's Opposite

After a bad breakup, there is a natural inclination to go for the opposite of whatever personality type / habits / profession / appearance you were just dating. After all, if it didn’t work with your ex, finding someone else who shares none of their attributes seems like a good bet. As I discovered, taking this to heart can often lead to non-ideal results.

I once went out with this guy who was extremely artistic. He played the guitar and was the lead singer is his band. He painted. He would write poetry. He wore flip flops year round. He was, in a word and at that time in my life, pretty much perfect. Unfortunately for me, his artistic nature also came along with a propensity to completely disregard plans and live entirely spontaneously, including spontaneously meeting and going out with other girls who also thought he was perfect. I figured out pretty quickly that this wasn’t going to work for me.

In response to Mr. Spontaneous Artist’s habits, the next guy I dated was in law school, regularly wore khakis and collared shirts to class and his schedule each day read like a minute-by-minute production plan. Up at five to lift weights for one hour. Shower. Protein shake. On campus by 8am to study. When we went out, the timing was precise and everything was planned, down to the most minute detail. However, when he completely freaked out one night after I showed up ten minutes late to dinner, I bailed. My 180 dating plan was clearly ill-advised.

Obviously, like Goldilocks, somewhere in the middle of Mr. Spontaneous Artist and Mr. Minute-by-Minute, Esquire was what I was looking for, but that was something I learned only after I’d done the 180 flip. And perhaps it is a necessary part of the break-up process to flip-flop like this to learn what you’re really looking for. But if you’re feeling logical, avoid avoiding everything about your ex. After all, you loved them once. Pick and choose the things you liked, take note of (but don’t dwell on) the things you didn’t, and try to find a happy medium in your next date(s).

By moving forward like this, and not sideways or backwards, you’ll find yourself bouncing back and moving on in no time.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert..

Feeling Bummed? Put Up An Online Profile for Some No-Strings-Attached Ego-Boosting

When you’re feeling down -- either from post-breakup blues or from that persistently dark cloud that’s been haunting you lately -- it’s nice to have a pick-me-up. And it’s even better if it’s in the form of positive attention from total strangers. The normal path would be to put on your hottest outfit and go out with the girls for a night of ego-boosting free drinks and well-meaning, albeit clichéd compliments. But what happens if you’re not ready for actual human-to-human contact and you still want the attention? Fortunately, you have options.

Online dating.Pick your favorite site -- I like the free ones like okcupid.com -- and put up a profile. Select your top five favorite pictures from the last couple years where you look your most smoldering hot (bonus points for pictures on the beach that show off your killer physique). Pick and choose the questions you want to answer and respond in your wittiest fashion, but feel no pressure to answer all or even most of them. A couple of sentences will suffice. Then hit “Save” and pat yourself on the back for setting yourself up for some no-strings-attached, completely safe, relatively anonymous ego-boosting.And no letting the dark cloud negative voice in your head tell you you’re not attractive enough to garner attention on a dating site. Even if you didn’t get hit with the super-model stick, you’ll still get a lot of email -- emphasis on a lot. Most of it will be short and sweet: think subject line: “Hi”, message body: “You’re hot.” Some of it will be a bit weird ("I'd like to lick your ear"), and some of it from seemingly normal, intelligent guys whom you might consider responding to at a later date once you're feeling better. But all of it? All of it will be flattering.

Feel no pressure to respond -- after all, you’re doing this to give your bruised ego some R&R before you hit the dating scene again. What better way to do that than to accept compliments from well-meaning dudes? So grab your favorite cup of tea, cuddle up with your cat, turn on your laptop and bask in the complimentary glory. And if and when you’re ready, respond to the intriguing emails. You never know what might happen.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

What if I'm in high school?

I received an email a couple weeks ago from an enthusiastic fan, who happened to be in her second year of high school. She very astutely and aptly pointed out that many of the examples in Screw Cupid don't directly apply when you're in a situation (like high school) where you're around the same group of people everyday and who watch your every move, making opportunistic conversation with strangers challenging. She also asked for alternatives to "going out" to meet guys, since she's not of the legal drinking age yet.

Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:

"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."

You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.

Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.

Yours in problem solving,
S 

Why do girls date assholes?

One of my friends on Facebook posted this as a question to the universe today, and because I hear it ALL THE TIME, I wanted to address it.

My theory is that girls "date assholes" because "assholes" are typically the only guys that actively hit on them. No matter how you personally define asshole (or jerk, or whatever your favorite negative term is), the definition usually includes a large ego, and therefore outward confidence. Because (a lot of) the nicer subset of the male population has had little luck hitting on women (because they don't know how and fall into a myriad of common mistakes that are easily rectified by reading Screw Cupid and/or the upcoming male version of Screw Cupid I'm currently working on), they don't do it very often, leaving the female population to be approached by only the assholes of the world.

Ever heard the complaint "There aren't any good guys left!" - it's the same story, just from the other side. When the only guys hitting on a girl are jerks, she's going to assume that jerks are the only guys available - hence the aforementioned complaint.

Yours in the belief of a plethora of nice guys,
S

*Clearly I'm generalizing - there are obviously exceptions to the "only assholes hit on girls" statement, and the "nice guys don't hit on girls successfully" statement, as well as the millions of women who refuse to date assholes. I answer in generalizations to keep in line with such a generalized question as "Why do girls date assholes?"

What if you find yourself in a situation where there’s a time crunch—where because of the situation, you or they are not going to be where you are in 15 or 30 more seconds (like on an elevator). You really want to try to initiate a conversation, even though the encounter is so fleeting. What do you do?!

This is challenging because Screw Cupid's techniques are all based on having some time to establish a connection. So, in this situation, I saw completely go against Screw Cupid's techniques and go for it. If you see someone you REALLY want to get to know better and you only have 15 seconds, I say to pull out a business card, write your cell number on the back with a "You're hot. Call me if you're interested." It's a ballsy enough move to get their attention and may just work.

There's really not much else to be done in that limited amount of time. You could also try slyly following them for a minute or two to see if they go somewhere where you could have a bit more time to start a neutral question conversation. Just to be clear, I am NOT advocating being creepy. Just think of it as an extended form of gaining proximity.

Yours in a time crunch,
S

What if you see someone’s ad online, and you’re interested in them for whatever reason, BUT they don’t actually offer much factual or other info on which to base asking a neutral question. How do you pursue such a person neutrally if there’s nothing really obvious to use as the point of neutral connection?

This one is a bit tricky, since obviously you can't use Screw Cupid's techniques to the letter. I think the answer has three options.

Option 1 is to make something up for why you're contacting them - you're researching a book, you're conducting an informal poll, or you're contacting different profile types to find out what works. Since they list no info, how has their response rate been? Call them out on their lack of information.

Option 2 could be to admit that you're intrigued, but since they listed no distinguishing characteristics on their ad/profile, you'd like to know more. Then list 10 fun facts about yourself. If you're interesting, entertaining and/or intriguing enough in your fun facts, there's a good chance they'll respond in kind. You are admitting interest with this one, which can lower the chance of success, but I think it could work with the right person.

Option 3 is to disregard Screw Cupid's techniques (by immediately indicating you're interested) and admit you're intrigued by their ad/profile and would they be up for meeting for coffee to see if a connection exists? This is a long shot because it's the most basic response out there, but since there is a possibility of it working it may be worth a try - especially if you're not comfortable with the other two.

Yours in creative contact,
S

Neutrality - What is it?

The way I define it in Screw Cupid, i.e. in the context of initiating conversation with a guy you like, neutrality is the face you put forward and an attitude that governs your body language and words. The point of being neutral is to keep him guessing as to whether or not you're interested in him, at least initially. The logic behind this is that when Person A knows that Person B likes them (which is what happens when Person B says "Hi" to Person A), Person B immediately becomes less interesting to Person A. There's no chase, and therefore no challenge.

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating stringing someone along or keeping them guessing for longer than about 10 minutes. Neutrality is about taking advantage of a social norm - i.e. that people like a little bit of a chase. Make it too easy and it's boring. Make it to hard and it's annoying. Keep it in the middle - i.e. by being neutral - and it's interesting and fun.

Neutrally yours,
S

What is a "Hot Guy"?

The way I define it in Screw Cupid, a "Hot Guy" is any guy that you personally find extremely attractive. I realize that the term "hot" typically refers to the societal standard of what women - in general - find attractive, but that's not what I am going for with my Screw Cupid definition. The Screw Cupid "Hot Guy" may refer to a set of personality traits more than physical traits, or it may refer to the fact he also enjoys 8 hour cross country skiing treks. Whatever it is that turns you on about a potential mate, that's what should define "Hot Guy" for you.

Yours in tall, adventure racing triathlete lumberjacks,
S

What do I do if it doesn’t work?

Sometimes it won’t work. You're learning, and mistakes will be made. The more you practice, the better you'll get. Initiating conversation will come very easily to some, and will take a lot of practice for others. In 99% of cases, it's definitely not something you can expect to just go out and do and have it flow flawlessly. So give yourself a break and try again. I can't even tell you how many times I bombed a conversation when I was figuring this out.

Also, remember that dating is a numbers game. And now that you have the power to talk to anyone you want, if one opener gets screwed up, it doesn't matter in the slightest. There are hundreds more where he came from. If you mess up an opener, rather than getting bummed out, think about it like you've just gained some knowledge about where your potential hang-ups are.

Yours in fishing,
S

Best and Worst Cities for Dating (according to The Daily Beast)

It's something every single has pondered: Are you shooting yourself in the foot by living in a particular city? Or was your choice to live in your current city a great one because of the multitudes of Hot Single Guys running around?

The Daily Beast has taken it upon themselves to rank the US cities on their man-magnetness based a number of attributes - city size, education, income and gym availability (the latter to serve as a proxy for how easy it is to meet said Hot Guys, and how fit they might be). Most lists I've seen like this in the past have been based purely on U.S. Census Bureau statistics, so I applaud The Daily Beast for adding in a few more ways to judge. Here's the article:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-10-18/the-best-cities-to-meet-men/?cid=hp:beastoriginalsR1

I'm pleased to see that Seattle ranks near the top (#3). I've had the distinct impression upon moving here 4 months ago that this city is a great place to meet Hot Guys, despite what I had heard. They're everywhere - running on the waterfront, in the ubiquitous coffee shops, in the bars, in the museums, at the shows, on the street... As I see it, Seattle is urban enough to dispel those persistent rumors that every guy that lives here is a grundgy hippie. Not that I have anything against hippiness (I'm a two year veteran of Burning Man), but as I understand it, the word on the street about Seattle and the Northwest in general was that if you wanted someone who showered, this wasn't the place to go. After careful observation, I stand by the statement that this isn't true. There are lots of Hot Guys in Seattle. I'm glad to hear someone is backing me up on that.

The other ranking that jumped out at me was San Francisco being ranked #4 - as in the 4th best city to live in to meet guys. I'm a native Northern-Californian, and one of the major complaints I've heard about SF is that it's an impossible city to be in if you're a single girl looking for a date. The guys are either "taken or gay", to quote my friend Kate. Now, as a proponent of girls taking the lead in initiating conversation, I'm not sure I can wholeheartedly agree with this city-wide judgment (largely because I'm not sure Kate has seen the light with initiating conversation).

Are there lots of Hot Guys in SF? Certainly. As for the "taken or gay" standpoint, methinks this may be a case of the 10/20/70 ratio at work. As in - on any given night, the guys out on the town will break down (roughly) into the following groups:

10%: These are the douchebags that hit on you. Their egos are huge and they throw cheesy pick up lines at you in the hopes that you'll become another notch on their bedpost.

20%: These are the socially mal-adjusted guys. They're undateable for one reason or another: loose relationship with the shower, line items on their criminal records, etc.

70%: These are those best-guy-friends/brothers/co-workers all your friends keep talking about that are so amazing, funny, hot, cool and nice. They don't hit on you because they've been burned one too many times by hitting on other girls - either by being laughed at, having a drink thrown in their face, or receiving a fake phone number. There's nothing wrong with them, they just don't try anymore because every time they do, it backfires.

The perceived "taken" is most likely based solely on the sub-set of guys that actually initiate conversation, which probably hovers at around 15% of the total single guy population. My friend Kate doesn't talk to the other 85% (which includes that golden 70% mentioned above), because they don't approach her, leaving her no choice but to judge the entire group based on dudes with egos the size of elephants. As for the complaint about some of the hot guys being gay? SF is a west-coast, liberal, gay-friendly city. Enjoy it!

So, how does one meet the Golden 70%? Unless you're content with destiny bringing you Brad Pitt as your pizza man, you take matters into your own hands and you initiate conversation. That 70% is out there and waiting for the sassy girls of the world to take the reigns.

Thanks to The Daily Beast for putting together the best "Where to Find the Hot Guys" list I've seen in a long time.

Yours in sassy optimism,
S

I made up a poker opener: “My friends and I were arguing: does a flush beat a straight or is it the other way around?” but I can’t get it to work. What am I doing wrong?

This is maybe salvageable as an opening question, as long as you have something strong that you can lead into afterwards to continue the conversation. I'm guessing this is not happening by your comment that it's currently not working. The way it stands right now, the guy is just going to say “A flush beats a straight” or “I don’t know” and then that’s the end of your conversation.

The real problem is that your question is not really a matter of opinion, it is just a factual question that the guy either knows the answer to or he doesn’t. It works much better to have questions that require opinions as responses. It makes the conversation more interesting and they'll talk for longer than if they were just settling a fact for you.

Yours in pocket aces,
S

What if I don’t like the guy I opened?

This happens. You get close enough to him to really see his true colors and he's not as cute as you thought. Or he says something that makes you internally wince and you figure out he's definitely not the guy for you.

If this happens, bail on the interaction ASAP. Just say brightly “Thanks for your help on my dilemma”, (or whatever it was that you opened him with), “It was nice meeting you—bye!” and bail. Think no more about it. Not every guy you meet is going to be right for you.

Mistakenly yours,
S

I have a crush on my co-worker’s friend. We’ve been introduced a couple times, but he seemed kind of quiet. Since I already know him, as an acquaintance, how do I start a conversation with him? Your advice is based purely on how to approach someone you don’t know at all.

This is not nearly as tricky as it might seem. I know what you mean about some of the openers assuming no knowledge about the Hot Guy and therefore not being the best choices for someone you’re acquainted with. However, some of the other more “I desperately have a question I need answered” based openers will work just fine. Let me show you:

YOU: Hi! I think we’ve met a couple times—you’re [insert co-worker’s name here]’s friend right?
HIM: Yeah. You’re [insert your name], right?
YOU: Yep, that’s me! Can I ask you a question? I just got off the phone with my girl friend, and we’re utterly perplexed. She went on a date last week with this dude, and it went well. He called today and left her a voicemail that said “Had fun, see you around”. What does that mean, in guy speak? Should she call him back?
HIM: I’d say he’s playing it cool. If he was desperate to see her again, he would have asked her out again. 

YOU: Huh. Do you think she should call him?
HIM: If she wants to—as long as she realizes that it’s possible he’s not that into it. You sound dubious—do you think she should call him?

Now they’ve got a conversation going and it should be relatively easy to segueway into another topic—movies, thoughts on good restaurants (starting with the one the friend went to on her date, perhaps?), travel, etc.

Yours in co-worker crushing,
S

Is this something I can do alone?

By all means, YES!! As you probably noticed, some of the openers I mention in Screw Cupid require that you're with some friends to make sense. But you can adapt most of them to use by yourself. For example, instead of saying, "My friend and I were wondering...", you can say, “Could you help me out with something? I just got off the phone with my girl friend and she was wondering...”.

Also, depending on your personality, you may prefer going out and doing this by yourself. I personally find it can be a fun change to going out with my girl friends. I feel like I have more freedom to cruise the room and talk to whoever I want. Plus, I tend to worry about whether or not my friend is enjoying herself when she’s “taking one for the team” and talking to the non-hot friend of the Hot Guy I’m talking to.

If you have a free Tuesday evening but none of your girlfriends are in the mood to go out, just go out by yourself. If anyone asks where your friends are, just say your friends are “on their way”. No one will be the wiser but you.

Yours in solitary fun,
S