Dating is hard. It's also annoying, self-esteem crushing, and time-consuming. But it can also be amazing, self-confidence boosting, and simply so much fun. Dating is about more than just finding a partner - it's a good way to meet new people, work on your social interaction and communication skills, and experience new things.
When you begin dating again after a relationship ends, it's very easy to bring residual thoughts and actions from the past to the forefront, which can often keep that tiny spark from igniting into something more. Here are 5 common mistakes that we make in dating, yet don't even realize we're making them:
1. Tunnel vision.Don't limit your dating pool to your normal "type." Branch out of your dating comfort zone and give a chance to those you haven't previously considered (think age, looks, profession, location). You just might be surprised as to whom you meet and fall for.
2. Underestimating how much you have to offer.Be you; not what you think other people want (i.e. your mother, your friends or that guy you've had your eye on). Authenticity is sexy, and it goes hand in hand with confidence, adding up to a very attractive combination. Plus, if it clicks with someone, you'll know it's real.
3. Judging yourself.Confidence and friendliness count for way more than model looks -- in dating, and in life. You're human; you have flaws. Learn to rock your flaws instead of beating yourself up.
4. Expecting too much (or anything) on a first date.Having expectations about a first date almost always leads to disappointment, especially when you're first diving back into the game when your fear level is high. Avoid this by enjoying the company no matter what they're like. If it's great? Great -- go out again. If the date totally tanked? Enjoy a bad date for what it is -- a great story to tell your friends. Taking the pressure off makes for an enjoyable time, no matter what happens.
5. Cynic-syndrome.When you're in post break-up "I've-been-burned" mode, it's incredibly common (and natural) to assume the worst about people. Do your best to avoid this and you'll be pleasantly surprised how everyone isn't your evil ex. Letting go of cynicism is a major part of moving forward. This is a hard one, so be patient with yourself!
So, as you get back out into the dating world, take a step back and be aware of yourself, your thoughts, and how you are presenting yourself to the world. Remember these 5 common mistakes, know that you're not alone in thinking this way, and try to keep these mistakes from preventing a potential future happy relationship.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.
Also, view the version that was featured on Yahoo.com here.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Don't Throw the Baby Out with the Bathwater: Making Sure Your Next Date Isn't Based Entirely on Your Ex's Opposite
After a bad breakup, there is a natural inclination to go for the opposite of whatever personality type / habits / profession / appearance you were just dating. After all, if it didn’t work with your ex, finding someone else who shares none of their attributes seems like a good bet. As I discovered, taking this to heart can often lead to non-ideal results.
I once went out with this guy who was extremely artistic. He played the guitar and was the lead singer is his band. He painted. He would write poetry. He wore flip flops year round. He was, in a word and at that time in my life, pretty much perfect. Unfortunately for me, his artistic nature also came along with a propensity to completely disregard plans and live entirely spontaneously, including spontaneously meeting and going out with other girls who also thought he was perfect. I figured out pretty quickly that this wasn’t going to work for me.
In response to Mr. Spontaneous Artist’s habits, the next guy I dated was in law school, regularly wore khakis and collared shirts to class and his schedule each day read like a minute-by-minute production plan. Up at five to lift weights for one hour. Shower. Protein shake. On campus by 8am to study. When we went out, the timing was precise and everything was planned, down to the most minute detail. However, when he completely freaked out one night after I showed up ten minutes late to dinner, I bailed. My 180 dating plan was clearly ill-advised.
Obviously, like Goldilocks, somewhere in the middle of Mr. Spontaneous Artist and Mr. Minute-by-Minute, Esquire was what I was looking for, but that was something I learned only after I’d done the 180 flip. And perhaps it is a necessary part of the break-up process to flip-flop like this to learn what you’re really looking for. But if you’re feeling logical, avoid avoiding everything about your ex. After all, you loved them once. Pick and choose the things you liked, take note of (but don’t dwell on) the things you didn’t, and try to find a happy medium in your next date(s).
By moving forward like this, and not sideways or backwards, you’ll find yourself bouncing back and moving on in no time.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert..
I once went out with this guy who was extremely artistic. He played the guitar and was the lead singer is his band. He painted. He would write poetry. He wore flip flops year round. He was, in a word and at that time in my life, pretty much perfect. Unfortunately for me, his artistic nature also came along with a propensity to completely disregard plans and live entirely spontaneously, including spontaneously meeting and going out with other girls who also thought he was perfect. I figured out pretty quickly that this wasn’t going to work for me.
In response to Mr. Spontaneous Artist’s habits, the next guy I dated was in law school, regularly wore khakis and collared shirts to class and his schedule each day read like a minute-by-minute production plan. Up at five to lift weights for one hour. Shower. Protein shake. On campus by 8am to study. When we went out, the timing was precise and everything was planned, down to the most minute detail. However, when he completely freaked out one night after I showed up ten minutes late to dinner, I bailed. My 180 dating plan was clearly ill-advised.
Obviously, like Goldilocks, somewhere in the middle of Mr. Spontaneous Artist and Mr. Minute-by-Minute, Esquire was what I was looking for, but that was something I learned only after I’d done the 180 flip. And perhaps it is a necessary part of the break-up process to flip-flop like this to learn what you’re really looking for. But if you’re feeling logical, avoid avoiding everything about your ex. After all, you loved them once. Pick and choose the things you liked, take note of (but don’t dwell on) the things you didn’t, and try to find a happy medium in your next date(s).
By moving forward like this, and not sideways or backwards, you’ll find yourself bouncing back and moving on in no time.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert..
Monday, February 22, 2010
Feeling Bummed? Put Up An Online Profile for Some No-Strings-Attached Ego-Boosting
When you’re feeling down -- either from post-breakup blues or from that persistently dark cloud that’s been haunting you lately -- it’s nice to have a pick-me-up. And it’s even better if it’s in the form of positive attention from total strangers. The normal path would be to put on your hottest outfit and go out with the girls for a night of ego-boosting free drinks and well-meaning, albeit clichéd compliments. But what happens if you’re not ready for actual human-to-human contact and you still want the attention? Fortunately, you have options.
Online dating.Pick your favorite site -- I like the free ones like okcupid.com -- and put up a profile. Select your top five favorite pictures from the last couple years where you look your most smoldering hot (bonus points for pictures on the beach that show off your killer physique). Pick and choose the questions you want to answer and respond in your wittiest fashion, but feel no pressure to answer all or even most of them. A couple of sentences will suffice. Then hit “Save” and pat yourself on the back for setting yourself up for some no-strings-attached, completely safe, relatively anonymous ego-boosting.And no letting the dark cloud negative voice in your head tell you you’re not attractive enough to garner attention on a dating site. Even if you didn’t get hit with the super-model stick, you’ll still get a lot of email -- emphasis on a lot. Most of it will be short and sweet: think subject line: “Hi”, message body: “You’re hot.” Some of it will be a bit weird ("I'd like to lick your ear"), and some of it from seemingly normal, intelligent guys whom you might consider responding to at a later date once you're feeling better. But all of it? All of it will be flattering.
Feel no pressure to respond -- after all, you’re doing this to give your bruised ego some R&R before you hit the dating scene again. What better way to do that than to accept compliments from well-meaning dudes? So grab your favorite cup of tea, cuddle up with your cat, turn on your laptop and bask in the complimentary glory. And if and when you’re ready, respond to the intriguing emails. You never know what might happen.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.
Online dating.Pick your favorite site -- I like the free ones like okcupid.com -- and put up a profile. Select your top five favorite pictures from the last couple years where you look your most smoldering hot (bonus points for pictures on the beach that show off your killer physique). Pick and choose the questions you want to answer and respond in your wittiest fashion, but feel no pressure to answer all or even most of them. A couple of sentences will suffice. Then hit “Save” and pat yourself on the back for setting yourself up for some no-strings-attached, completely safe, relatively anonymous ego-boosting.And no letting the dark cloud negative voice in your head tell you you’re not attractive enough to garner attention on a dating site. Even if you didn’t get hit with the super-model stick, you’ll still get a lot of email -- emphasis on a lot. Most of it will be short and sweet: think subject line: “Hi”, message body: “You’re hot.” Some of it will be a bit weird ("I'd like to lick your ear"), and some of it from seemingly normal, intelligent guys whom you might consider responding to at a later date once you're feeling better. But all of it? All of it will be flattering.
Feel no pressure to respond -- after all, you’re doing this to give your bruised ego some R&R before you hit the dating scene again. What better way to do that than to accept compliments from well-meaning dudes? So grab your favorite cup of tea, cuddle up with your cat, turn on your laptop and bask in the complimentary glory. And if and when you’re ready, respond to the intriguing emails. You never know what might happen.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"Marry Him" is a must read
As someone who wrote a book to share my mistakes (and solutions) in dating, I took an immediate liking to Lori Gottlieb, the witty and talented author of the new and highly talked about book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough". Don't be off-put by the "settle" part of the title -- as many of her nay-sayers are -- Gottlieb's most basic message is about figuring out what makes you happy and distinguishing between what you want and what you need out of a relationship, a lesson she wishes she'd learned early on and one she successfully drives home again and again throughout the book. As she discovered through her own life and the lives of the many, many others she interviewed, that perfect significant other may not look like -- on paper and in person -- what you've pictured your whole life, and as the evidence she presents suggests, there's an excellent chance you'll end up much happier for straying from your list.
She writes from a place of complete and at times brutal honesty, baring all so the rest of us can learn and grow from her experiences rejecting many potentially wonderful (for her) men in her twenties and thirties based on factors she later realizes are ridiculous. Her advice is pragmatic, smart and presents a no-BS dose of reality that we should all take care to remember. I'm so glad someone wrote this book -- it's great advice, and Gottlieb delivers it extremely well.
Sure, the most oft-referred ideal relationship in the book is marriage, but if that's not your thing, don't worry. Gottlieb does a good job of not alienating those of us who don't want to get married. She has her views -- she's religious, and wants a traditional marriage -- but she doesn't force them on the reader. As someone who has no interest in the traditional definition of marriage and is most definitely not religious, the advice is just as sound and in my opinion, is something every one of us, male or female, can benefit from a thorough soaking in.
Diablo Cody, one of my personal idols and the Academy-Award winning screenwriter of "Juno" says this: "What Lori Gottlieb is saying isn't subversive -- it's smart. A thoroughly entertaining reality check, it will make single women laugh and squirm, and married people appreciate their spouses even more." I agree 110%. Go buy this book.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, for which I am the dating expert. Check it out!
She writes from a place of complete and at times brutal honesty, baring all so the rest of us can learn and grow from her experiences rejecting many potentially wonderful (for her) men in her twenties and thirties based on factors she later realizes are ridiculous. Her advice is pragmatic, smart and presents a no-BS dose of reality that we should all take care to remember. I'm so glad someone wrote this book -- it's great advice, and Gottlieb delivers it extremely well.
Sure, the most oft-referred ideal relationship in the book is marriage, but if that's not your thing, don't worry. Gottlieb does a good job of not alienating those of us who don't want to get married. She has her views -- she's religious, and wants a traditional marriage -- but she doesn't force them on the reader. As someone who has no interest in the traditional definition of marriage and is most definitely not religious, the advice is just as sound and in my opinion, is something every one of us, male or female, can benefit from a thorough soaking in.
Diablo Cody, one of my personal idols and the Academy-Award winning screenwriter of "Juno" says this: "What Lori Gottlieb is saying isn't subversive -- it's smart. A thoroughly entertaining reality check, it will make single women laugh and squirm, and married people appreciate their spouses even more." I agree 110%. Go buy this book.
Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, for which I am the dating expert. Check it out!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
What if I'm in high school?
I received an email a couple weeks ago from an enthusiastic fan, who happened to be in her second year of high school. She very astutely and aptly pointed out that many of the examples in Screw Cupid don't directly apply when you're in a situation (like high school) where you're around the same group of people everyday and who watch your every move, making opportunistic conversation with strangers challenging. She also asked for alternatives to "going out" to meet guys, since she's not of the legal drinking age yet.
Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:
"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."
You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.
Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.
Yours in problem solving,
S
Her first point - that it's more challenging to approach someone you like when you and that someone see each other and the same 10/20/50/300 people every day - is valid, and applies to more than just a scholastic atmosphere. Offices, social groups, teams - how do you approach someone who clearly recognizes you, but who falls in the dead zone between stranger and friend? I'm of the opinion that although approaching these people takes a bit more thought, it's certainly possible. For example, if the guy is someone you see everyday in class or four times a week for your co-ed soccer practice, acknowledging the fact you recognize each other with a smile is a good way to break the ice. Catch him at a time when you're both waiting for something, or resting on the side of the field. Smile, and then, as though it just occurred to you, deliver your opener:
"Hey, mind if I ask you a question? I need a present for my brother for his birthday, and was wondering from a dude's perspective which is a better present: a sweater or some other item of clothing, or a gift certificate to Amazon. Gift certificates are so impersonal, but other than clothes, I don't really know what else to get him. He's got everything."
You don't need a prop or a reason to be near him - the fact you see each other on a regular basis takes care of your reason for being there.
Her second point (about not being able to drink and "go out") was easier to address - if you're unable (or don't want to) hit the bar scene or go out on the town to meet guys and your social circle is limited by school, work, etc., look to other social circles to meet new people. Extracurricular classes and/or sports, religious functions (if that's your thing) and intellectual excursions (think museums, art galleries, etc.) are all good places to meet people outside your normal circle. Coffee shops, smoothie joints, cafes, libraries, book stores and anywhere else people in your target demographic hang out are good options as well.
Yours in problem solving,
S
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Success story with Screw Cupid as a prop!
I received an email a few days ago from a male fan who discovered Screw Cupid in his local bookstore, read it in one sitting and immediately tried out SC's techniques on a trio of attractive women browsing in the bookstore. He used Screw Cupid as a prop, and approached them:
Male Fan: Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
Trio of Hot Girls: Sure. What's up?
Male Fan: I need to buy a present for my sister, and I'm thinking about getting her this book on how to meet guys (pointing to Screw Cupid). How do you think that would go over, from a girl's perspective?
This was his description of what happened: "I stood back and watched in utter fascination as the three of them began an involved, animated Q&A amongst themselves and between me and them on the subject of giving a girl a book on dating advice. It was not awkward or forced, and I barely had to say anything to keep the discussion going... the hardest part--initiating and sustaining a conversation with a group of opposite-sex strangers in a public place, was a breeze."
Props to my male fan for taking the initiative and trying it out, and I'm so glad to hear it worked so easily and effectively!
PS - If anyone has a success story from using SC's techniques, I'd love to hear about it. Email me anytime at sam@screwcupidthebook.com.
Yours in dating success,
S
Male Fan: Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
Trio of Hot Girls: Sure. What's up?
Male Fan: I need to buy a present for my sister, and I'm thinking about getting her this book on how to meet guys (pointing to Screw Cupid). How do you think that would go over, from a girl's perspective?
This was his description of what happened: "I stood back and watched in utter fascination as the three of them began an involved, animated Q&A amongst themselves and between me and them on the subject of giving a girl a book on dating advice. It was not awkward or forced, and I barely had to say anything to keep the discussion going... the hardest part--initiating and sustaining a conversation with a group of opposite-sex strangers in a public place, was a breeze."
Props to my male fan for taking the initiative and trying it out, and I'm so glad to hear it worked so easily and effectively!
PS - If anyone has a success story from using SC's techniques, I'd love to hear about it. Email me anytime at sam@screwcupidthebook.com.
Yours in dating success,
S
Sunday, January 24, 2010
"Screw Cupid" Kindle Edition...
I own a Kindle and am a wholehearted convert. Coming from someone who when she moved had 40 boxes of stuff, 30 of them books, it's nice to know that I can get my fix with new titles without having to feel guilty over a tree being sacrificed for my habit.
Check out Screw Cupid in Amazon's Kindle store here.
Yours in eco-conscious reading,
S
Thursday, January 14, 2010
UK Edition Release Date Announced - 5.27.10!
The official release date for the U.K. edition of Screw Cupid, titled "The Sassy Girl's Guide to Picking Up Fit Guys" is May 27, 2010! It is published by Right Way, an imprint of Constable & Robinson Ltd., and will be available in the U.K., Australia and New Zealand.
You can pick up a copy on Amazon.co.uk.
Yours in hot accents,
S
You can pick up a copy on Amazon.co.uk.
Yours in hot accents,
S
Monday, January 11, 2010
Compliments: Free Prozac
I was walking on the street a couple weeks ago, and this girl coming the other way stopped me, pointed at my shoes, said they were awesome and asked me where I got them. I shared my insider knowledge of this great local shoe place, and she and I both walked away smiling.
That weekend, I was at a party and saw this girl from across the room with the best hair I've ever seen in real life. We're talking shampoo ad hair - thick, wavy and enviably red. It was gorgeous. I recalled how nice it was to have the girl on the street compliment me, and decided to pay it forward by sharing how awesome I thought hair girl's hair was. So, I did. As it turns out, she was fresh out of a horrid break-up, had just gotten out of the salon with a haircut and color she hadn't tried before and although she liked it, was nervous about it. When I, a random girl a party, told her it was fantastic, she said it made her day. Her happiness was immediate and obvious, and made me feel great. We ended up talking for twenty minutes, decided we needed to hang out - and now I have a new friend. A lovely chain reaction started from a random girl on the street paying a compliment.
My point? Next time you see someone wearing something, doing something or having something you think is exceptional, let them know. Paying heartfelt compliments to strangers is a great way to spread a little love. It makes them feel great,which makes you feel great.
Yours in spreading the love,
S
That weekend, I was at a party and saw this girl from across the room with the best hair I've ever seen in real life. We're talking shampoo ad hair - thick, wavy and enviably red. It was gorgeous. I recalled how nice it was to have the girl on the street compliment me, and decided to pay it forward by sharing how awesome I thought hair girl's hair was. So, I did. As it turns out, she was fresh out of a horrid break-up, had just gotten out of the salon with a haircut and color she hadn't tried before and although she liked it, was nervous about it. When I, a random girl a party, told her it was fantastic, she said it made her day. Her happiness was immediate and obvious, and made me feel great. We ended up talking for twenty minutes, decided we needed to hang out - and now I have a new friend. A lovely chain reaction started from a random girl on the street paying a compliment.
My point? Next time you see someone wearing something, doing something or having something you think is exceptional, let them know. Paying heartfelt compliments to strangers is a great way to spread a little love. It makes them feel great,which makes you feel great.
Yours in spreading the love,
S
Thursday, January 7, 2010
How do others perceive me? Grain of salt needed.
Screw Cupid in Seattle has had two meetings so far, with the third coming up tomorrow night. Thanks to all the ladies that have come so far, and for the lively discussion.
One of the things that keeps coming up is the idea of perception - how others perceive us, how we perceive ourselves, and how to make those two views mix into a cohesive blend so that how we perceive ourselves matches how we hope to be perceived. Challenging? Yes.
This is because people's perceptions of others are ALWAYS colored by their past experiences, past relationships and perceptions of themselves. An unbiased opinion is impossible, because opinions (or perceptions), by definition, are always subjective. You either like it or you don't. Sure, there are similar groups of people who have similar opinions and perceptions, but there will always be another group standing up for the opposite side.
I, for instance, often run into other's perceived opinions of me before they even meet me. I have blonde hair. Couple that with the fact that the cover of my dating advice book is bright pink, and I often get pigeonholed as a ditzy girly-girl. This couldn't be further from how I perceive myself, and once people get to know me, they agree. Does this mean I should dye my hair dark (something I did in college as an experiment, and was shocked at how much more often my opinion was taken seriously - more on that another time), and make sure the next derivation of my book has a less girly cover? Of course not. I can't control how others perceive me or stereotype me because for every person who sees me the way I want to be seen, there are 20 more who see the opposite. However, I can control how I perceive me, and as long as I'm happy with that, I'm happy.
That said, this doesn't mean I ignore well-intentioned feedback. Perhaps you've got it all figured out, or perhaps you're like me and you're still growing and learning every day. I just make sure that when I hear feedback - both positive and negative - that I take it with a grain of salt, and remember that other's opinions of me are filtered through their perceptions of the world, and may not have much to do with me at all.
Yours in perception,
S
One of the things that keeps coming up is the idea of perception - how others perceive us, how we perceive ourselves, and how to make those two views mix into a cohesive blend so that how we perceive ourselves matches how we hope to be perceived. Challenging? Yes.
This is because people's perceptions of others are ALWAYS colored by their past experiences, past relationships and perceptions of themselves. An unbiased opinion is impossible, because opinions (or perceptions), by definition, are always subjective. You either like it or you don't. Sure, there are similar groups of people who have similar opinions and perceptions, but there will always be another group standing up for the opposite side.
I, for instance, often run into other's perceived opinions of me before they even meet me. I have blonde hair. Couple that with the fact that the cover of my dating advice book is bright pink, and I often get pigeonholed as a ditzy girly-girl. This couldn't be further from how I perceive myself, and once people get to know me, they agree. Does this mean I should dye my hair dark (something I did in college as an experiment, and was shocked at how much more often my opinion was taken seriously - more on that another time), and make sure the next derivation of my book has a less girly cover? Of course not. I can't control how others perceive me or stereotype me because for every person who sees me the way I want to be seen, there are 20 more who see the opposite. However, I can control how I perceive me, and as long as I'm happy with that, I'm happy.
That said, this doesn't mean I ignore well-intentioned feedback. Perhaps you've got it all figured out, or perhaps you're like me and you're still growing and learning every day. I just make sure that when I hear feedback - both positive and negative - that I take it with a grain of salt, and remember that other's opinions of me are filtered through their perceptions of the world, and may not have much to do with me at all.
Yours in perception,
S
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)