When Dating Sucks: 5 Ways to Keep It Fun

Dating can be an emotional roller-coaster that takes from nauseating depression to euphoric highs -- all in the span of a few hours -- depending on what's going on. This is exhausting. It's also typically what causes the dating burn-out that makes us want to give up and run a cat-rescue clinic out of our living room. Putting up a wall to protect ourselves from the roller-coaster would be on obvious potential solution, but this up-and-down cycle is also one of the best parts of dating (or at least the euphoric high is), so it would be a shame to cut ourselves off from that all together. Fortunately, we don't have to -- here are five ways to keep the fun and banish the burn-out.

1) Don't take it so seriously. Focus on enjoying the moment, and not on the what-ifs. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if I'm really excited about this person, but they end up sucking? What if they're cool but there's no chemistry between us? What if I say something dumb? What if they don't share my plans for the future? Ahhhhhh! Worrying about these puts enough pressure on every interaction to burn anyone out before they ever even go on a date. When we don't stress, we're much more laid back and fun (and don't reek of desperation), so take a step back, turn off the what-if radio and enjoy the moment.

2) Be honest. When we're honest about what we want, and the person we're on the date with doesn't want that (for example, you don't want kids, but you do want to get married), it never would have worked out with them anyway. It's easy to get bummed out about something fizzling or someone not liking us, but at least if we're honest about what we want in life (and aren't wishy-washy out of fear of alienating a date who may not feel the same way), the information is on the table and we'll rest easier knowing that we stayed true to ourselves.

3) Embrace the bad. When things take a turn for the there's-not-a-shot-in-hell-for-a-second-date, instead of getting bummed, enjoy the date for whatever it's worth: having an interesting conversation, gathering details for your friends about how bad a date can get, or using your date as a mirror and asking them what their perception is of you. Our internal perceptions of ourselves don't always match what we project on the outside, so in a situation where you know it's not going anywhere and therefore the pressure is gone, figure out if there's anything they see about you that doesn't match with how you feel inside. Everyone perceives everyone else through their own personal filter of experiences and neuroses, so take whatever they say with a grain of salt, but it can be a very interesting exercise to see yourself through someone else's eyes.

4) Keep an open mind. A tremendous asset both in our pursuit of a mate and in keeping the process fun, keeping an open mind is a solid way to keep things light, enjoyable and fun. When we date by judging whether or not they have or don't have the must-have or hell-no attributes we've amassed a list of over the past several years, we severely limit our enjoyment of them as a person and the interaction, and also probably reject some people we may have found ourselves compatible with. It's very stressful to try and figure out, over the course of a 30-minute drink, whether or not we see ourselves marrying this person eventually. So, leave the lists at home and enjoy getting to know them -- without thinking about the future at all. Is the conversation fun and easy? Do they make you laugh? Are they fun to flirt with? Our chemistry with someone is ultimately a much more important metric of measuring whether we want a second date than judging them on what they're wearing or what their drink choice supposedly says about them.

5) Focus on you. Do things you want to do and let any worry about "I need to meet someone in the next year so that I can get married and have a baby by 20XX" (or whatever it is that's stressing you out) control your life. Life is not controllable, nor can organic things like developing a relationship be pushed into a timeline. So do the things that make you happy, explore yourself and explore new hobbies to enrich your life and grow as a person. When you're totally happy with yourself and excited about life, it's extremely attractive and you will attract what you want.

As disillusioned as we may become with the perceived dearth of available and compatible-with-us dates, in order to enjoy the dating process, we need to remember why we're doing it to begin with (to meet someone we like), and focus on enjoying the process rather than resenting it. It's exciting to go on a first date with someone new -- the outcome is a complete mystery each and every time: maybe we'll learn something new about ourselves. Maybe they'll introduce us to something new we didn't know we liked. Maybe we'll click with them. Maybe we won't, but they'll end up being a friend. Maybe they'll really dislike us and we'll learn that (for example) although we feel happy inside, we're not showing that outwardly and therefore look depressed and angry when we're not. Maybe the conversation will be fantastic. Maybe the date will be so awkward, it will be funny. These maybes are the fun and exciting part of dating, and as long as we focus on enjoying the unknown them rather than fearing the potential outcomes of the date, we can get all the good and none of the bad in our quest to find our future -- no game playing necessary. 

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, and also on Yahoo! Shine.

The NEWLY Single's Guide to Valentine's Day

For the freshly single, Valentine's Day can sting. A lot. It can seem like every card, advertisement, and plans made by happy, coupled-up friends are designed specifically to Tase our emotionally ravaged feelings and hearts. So, instead of waiting for the inevitable zap, treat this year as an opportunity to recreate V-Day into something you'll not only enjoy, but will look forward to repeating next year.

1) Get out of town. Grab your girlfriends and bail. Plan a yoga or spa weekend. Head to Mexico or Vegas for some girls-only partying, pool-side lounging and Margarita-sipping. Go camping and let nature do its healing thing. Or just plan a whole (non-Valentine's centric) weekend at home with much merry-making, movie-watching and re-organizing of closets, living rooms and kitchens. Removing ourselves from our daily lives (and changing our surroundings) can do wonders for boosting our mood and our spirits, especially on and leading up to a day that can totally blow if we're recently minus a plus one.

2) Volunteer. Just like getting physically out of town helps us recover by releasing us from our memories, volunteering can give us a vacation from the black hole of bummer in our heads. When we focus on others, especially when it's a hands-on helping situation like helping out a soup kitchen or cuddling some needy animals, we lose track of our own worries for a while as we focus on theirs. This has the potential to be incredibly relaxing and a very welcome break at a tough time of year. Plus, we're hopefully making someone else's day better in the process. Win-win.

3) Throw a party. It's almost guaranteed that even some of your coupled-up friends will be happy to skip the traditional dinner/flowers thing and its forced expressions of love. And all your single friends? Who doesn't love somewhere fun to go on a day when it seems like everyone else has plans. So throw a party -- zombie themed, old Halloween costume swap themed or dress up as your favorite color of Jello themed -- and start a new annual tradition of enjoying a very well attended anti-V-Day party.

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be National Single's Awareness Day anymore -- it can be fun, healing and a total blast if we choose to do things that emphasize the awesomeness in our lives and push away the mope. So let's choose fun over bumming and enjoy February in all its winter glory.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, and also on Yahoo! Shine.

Dating Dish: How to Rock National Single’s Awareness Day

Dating Dish: How to Rock National Single's Awareness Day

This is the January installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

How to Rock National Single's Awareness Day 

4 Alternative (and Awesome) Ideas for National Singles' Awareness Day

Valentine's Day isn't the coupled-up love-fest the media at large and those ever-annoying grocery and drug-store displays would have us believe. As it turns out, there are lots of un-coupled (cool) people out there. A good chunk of said people want to have a good time on Valentine's Day, feeling strongly that just because they're not currently one-half of a couple, they shouldn't be discriminated against and forced to sit at home and mope. Whether we're single, coupled-up and over the schmoop, or just want to have a fun night, here are 4 alterna-V-Day activities for us all.

1) Go out. V-Day is a well-kept secret party night. Populated and thoroughly enjoyed by those who don't partake in the dinner/flowers plan, it's a night where one can count on everyone being happy to be out and enjoying life, and all being much more friendly than usual due to the fact that we're collectively stoked we're not being forced into sulking at home because we had nowhere to go and our lives don't resemble a Happily-Ever-After romance novel or Rom-Com. So, enjoy the enjoyers and have fun.

2) Have a movie night. What makes this an alterna-V-day plan? Make it a horror or action or thriller movie-fest instead of chick flicks. There's nothing quite like watching zombies take over a town to bust us out of our V-Day induced depression.

3) Have a party. Dinner party, theme party, anti-V-Day party, I'm-single-let's-party party, Pajama party -- whatever you choose, make sure to gather all your favorite people, including the coupled-up. Similar to the general happy you'll find bar-hopping, having somewhere to go and fun people to hang with makes for an awesome night.

4) Go out to dinner, but go in a big group so no one feels like an odd-numbered wheel. Make reservations. Dress up. Have lots of group hugs and schmoop as a group. Enjoy the envious looks from the other diners who wish they'd thought of going out with ten of their closest friends.

Let's be honest: moping is no fun. And unfortunately, it's all too easy when mid-February rolls around. So let's not do it. Let's make V-Day 2011 one to remember for today and an annual tradition for next year (and the year after that) by focusing on the fun, on good friends and on the future.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Dating Dish: What Kind of Dater Are You? (Now Change It Up.)

This is the January installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

What Kind of Dater Are You? (Now Change it Up.) 

When the Date Rocked, but the Aftermath Didn't - 5 Tips for Staying Positive When Things Don't Pan Out

We've all been there: The first date was amazing - we connected, we laughed, we tingled in "This might be it" anticipation - and then, for inexplicable reasons, things fizzled. Maybe they didn't call again, maybe there's been no further connection and things aren't progressing like we feel like they should, or maybe we discovered a deal-breaker. Whatever happened, this is a hard, and very discouraging situation to deal with. Dating, for most of us, is a violent series of ups and downs, and when the ups don't keep us up, the resulting downs can really suck.

Here are five tips for keeping our spirits, our energy and our hopes up when dating gets us down:

1) Focus on the positive. Part of the reason dating is so hard is because we tend to place very high expectations on what we want and what we hope for. If instead we focus on enjoying each date for what it is -- a fun (or really bad, and therefore funny-because-it-sucks) night out with someone new -- we can regulate our ups and downs much more effectively. Each new person we interact with teaches us about ourselves, how we're perceived, and what we like and don't like. So instead of getting bummed about something not working out, place the focus on what we liked about that person and in the future, seek out those traits. Were they adventurous? Join a hiking club or a rock climbing gym to meet others like them. Were they relaxed and at peace with life? Start going to yoga classes. Yes, it's a bummer when we thought something was there and then found out it wasn't -- it's very easy to get discouraged. But ultimately, we're in this game to meet someone and getting discouraged doesn't help. So focus on the positive and put the negative in a box, only to be examined in the company of friends during your next group pity party.

2) Take a deep breath. Do yoga. Relax. Meditate. Walk. Run. Join a kickboxing class and bang out your frustrations. Exercise, meditation and focusing inward like we do during yoga all helps to put things in perspective, elevate our mood and relieve stress. These are all positives when our dating lives are annoyingly off-track.

3) Hang out with friends. When we're bummed out, we can have the tendency to hole up on our apartments and hibernate in our self-pity. Don't do this. Call a friend and meet for coffee, a day of thrift shopping, a mini-road trip or happy hour. Talk it out. Laugh about the good dates and the bad. Friends are there to support us and lift us when we're down (just as we're there for them). Use them.

4) Change it up. If things are consistently not going well, it may be time to change up our MO for meeting people. Online dating fan? Take a co-ed class or join a co-ed club, doing something you enjoy -- new friends (or their friends) can equal new dates. Constantly getting set up by friends? Try online dating. The bar scene not panning out like you'd planned? Try online, getting set-up or expanding your activity circle. After all - what have we got to lose? If our current mode of finding dates isn't working, what's the harm in trying something new for a while?

5) Dial Down Your Dating Focus. When we place dating (and finding a new love) at the top of our personal priority list, it's easy to be very (and overly) affected every time something goes well or goes badly. Some people thrive on intense focus, so if that's your thing, rage on. However, if you're finding yourself getting sick on your emotional roller coaster, it's time to back off a bit and insert some other priorities in as well, like doing things that make you happy. After all, when we focus on making ourselves happy (by pursuing hobbies, hanging out with friends and kicking ass at work), we're more confident in ourselves. Confidence is attractive.

As clichéd as it sounds, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. So each time our dating lives kick us down, finding the strength to get back up and carry on -- head held high -- is an immense positive. We learn who we are, what we're capable of (and recovering from) and how we handle ourselves and each time things suck, we get stronger for having had the practice to move forward. Getting through the hard times is what builds our character and makes us great, so even though it's incredibly rough to deal with having yet another great date not pan out, it's vital to remain as positive as possible and move on. And who knows -- the next date may be THE date...

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

3 Tips for Staying Positive When First Dates Go to the Dark Side

Sometimes first dates are amazing. There's amazing chemistry, amazing conversation and we end the date feeling amazingly optimistic about the future. And sometimes? Sometimes first dates get on the high-speed elevator to hell and/or crazy-town and we're left mystified, discouraged, annoyed and sad, which is not only no fun, but can put a serious damper on our enjoyment of the dating life -- and who wants that? Here are three bad-date scenarios and tips to allow us to enjoy these horrid first dates for all they're worth -- the worse the better.

1) Absolutely no chemistry. Sometimes, the spark just isn't there: maybe you don't like the way they smell. Maybe the way they eat grosses you out. Maybe you just learned something that's a deal-breaker and you know there's not a shot in hell of this ever working. To salvage some enjoyment from this date, verbally acknowledge the non-chemistry. Chances are good that if you're not feeling it, neither are they (and if they are feeling it, it's better to let them know now rather than later.) Acknowledgement removes the awkwardness of being on a bad first date, and turns the situation into a much more comfortable setting where the pressure of deciding whether or not you like each other is lifted. Talk about all the bad dates you've both been on and enjoy an hour or two of laughing about how much dating can suck. Who knows -- you might find a new friend.

2) They're completely obnoxious. Perhaps they just spent 45 minutes talking about their recent sexual conquests or maybe all they've done since meeting you is complain about everything, including you. In this situation, you can either sit back and enjoy the hilarity if someone making a complete jerk of themselves, or you can egg them on with some well chosen questions, all in the name of making the date even worse than it already is. Everyone loves a good bad-date story, and if you can push this one into epic-bad-date territory, you'll have cocktail party fodder for the next several years.

3) Things were great until the "But..." In those situations where the date appears to be in the running for Best Date Ever, and then does a 180 when they reveal the "But..." (such as "But, I'm married," "But, I'm starting a ten-year jail sentence next week," or "But, I'm fleeing the country tomorrow because I haven't paid my taxes in 15 years,"), stick around long enough to get the back-story (it's bound to be interesting), and do your best to trade in your disappointment for some real, no-social-filters conversation. Why did they go on a date if they knew they were going to be unavailable? Has it worked in the past? What were/are they looking for? Treat it like an interview and again -- be prepared to gather some major stories to share with your friends at brunch the next day.

First dates are something many of us loathe because it can be so disappointing if they go badly. However, if we can turn our perception of these bad dates into opportunities for fun stories to share with friends for years to come, or the opportunity to make a new friend (instead of finding a new lover), we can find humor, light and fun where there was only dark, heavy disappointment before. And what's the point in dwelling in the latter when every first date (no matter how bad) can potentially be turned into an enjoyable evening?

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert.

4 Ideas for the Newly Single on Surviving New Year's Eve

Ah, New Year's Eve: A night of pressure to do something cool, pressure to have someone to kiss, and pressure to have a good time. The expectations we place on ourselves to do those three things with gusto often end up making NYE into a stress-bomb of epic proportions. And besides that, what do we do when we're newly single and all we feel like doing is hiding in our apartment with our cat and watching the ball drop on all the crazy people brave enough to hang out in the sub-zero temperature of Times Square? Here are five ideas for making NYE 2010 as low-pressure and as enjoyable as possible when we're fresh out of a breakup.

1) F*** it and stay in. Besides having to listen to all of the "OMG, the party I went to was sooooo awesome. You totally should have come!" comments for the first two weeks of January, ringing in the new year with a close friend or two, the cat, a bottle of champagne (or two) and the flat screen is a perfectly acceptable alternative to the huge and often over-priced parties your other friends are attending. Plus, if you don't feel like going out, you don't have to -- break-ups are tough to begin with, and NYE can be a tough night, regardless of how long it's been since your last relationship (or even if you're in a relationship). So F*** it -- stay in and veto the parties.

2) Have an Anti-NYE Party. Part of what makes NYE stressful is the aforementioned pressure to rage for a night. If that's not you or you just don't feel like it, put the feelers out to see if anyone else is feeling the same way (and there will most certainly be takers.) A low-key get-together with close friends, with no pressure to "party like it's 1999", can be a great alternative to both staying in and ignoring the night and forcing yourself into attending a huge party. Make everyone bring something to drink and something to eat, and there'll be nothing for you to worry about as the host/ess. Bonus: Give it a costume theme like ninjas versus zombies, and you'll be sure to have a good time.

3) If you want to go out, bring single friends. If the gigantic party calls to you but you don't want to get stuck sans a kissing partner at midnight, plan ahead and bring a bunch of single friends with you. Make sure that everyone meets in a pre-determined location at 10 minutes to midnight and then, at midnight, have a group hug/kiss.This takes the pressure away from either having to find a hot stranger or having to watch everyone around you make out when the clock strikes 12. Plus, you'll make everyone around you jealous of your happy cuddle-fest.

4) Mingle, mingle, mingle. NYE parties attract couples and groups of single friends alike, and so it's relatively easy to find other singles at a large party. Even if you're not ready to start dating again, it can be a fun challenge to bring an outgoing friend and talk to as many people as you can at the party. If you need a reason to talk to people, make up a series of "survey" questions to get the conversations started: "Hi - my friend and I are doing an informal survey. What's your favorite NYE memory?" You never know whom you might meet and interesting, fun and random conversations are guaranteed.

New Year's Eve can be a blast if we remove our expectations about what we think we should be doing -- something that's especially true for immediately after a break-up when we're still a bit raw and memory-filled. NYE is a night to celebrate the new and enjoy good company, so instead of focusing on the should, let's focus on what we want to do and what will make us happiest and vow to make this NYE as action-packed with new, fun-with-great-friend memories as possible.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

4 Holiday Gift Exchange Landmines to Avoid in a New Relationship

Brand new romances are usually a hyperactive blend of overwhelming elation, insecurity and terrifying (what if we find something we don't like?) slash euphoric (OMG, they love that too?!) exploration of each other, especially when they're the first new thing we've had since a big relationship breakup. When you throw holiday gift exchanges into the mix, the hyperactivity can head straight into stress territory and turn a simple, enjoyable thing -- getting a gift for our new favorite person -- into a "what if?" fest of epic proportions. Here's a rundown of the top "what if"s and how to handle them and get through December with our sanity intact.

1) You find out you spent waaaaay more or less than them. Awkward for sure, and potentially embarrassing if you're the one who spent all the money, but ultimately, this is a chance to work through what is potentially your first conflict together. Since this is a new relationship, chances are good you don't know everything about their holiday patterns and traditions. If it's a case of differing traditions, enjoy each others' gifts and knowing something new about each other. In the future, if what happened this time around isn't OK with both of you, talk about any gift giving before it happens to discuss your expectations and figure out a solution you're both happy with. If the way more/way less situation is one where one of you feels uncomfortable, talk first, then try one of the following: try again, with rules about how much spend; say thanks, enjoy the gifts and vow to discuss the rules for next time; or scrap the gift exchange and just enjoy a night out together. This is supposed to be fun, so if one of you isn't comfortable, talk until you both are.

2) One of you gives, one of you doesn't. Awkward, but not insurmountable. Again - the reasons for giving or not giving may be due to tradition or culture. Talk about it and figure out what you want to do -- does the person who gave want to return it and then the two of you can enjoy a night out instead? Does the person who didn't give want a chance to return the favor?

3) Their gift is waaaaay more thoughtful than yours. It's not a competition, contrary to how it feels. Express your heartfelt appreciation for their thoughtfulness, and vow to do better next time. Gift giving in relationships is a learning process.

4) Your gift is something they hate. In relationships, the general consensus seems to be to pretend to enjoy gifts, no matter how we actually feel. However, if they missed that memo and are honest about how they feel (assuming they're very appreciative of the thought and aren't just being a jerk), talk through it and figure out why. Maybe your choice of golf lesson reminds them of their recently deceased father, or perhaps they don't wear a watch because they work somewhere where wearing jewelry is dangerous. If you've inadvertently screwed up, you can offer to try again. Some people are easy to find gifts for, and some aren't, and it can be very challenging to do well with someone we don't know very well. Don't beat yourself up about an honest mistake.

Having a pre-holiday pow-wow -- about your mutual expectations about gift exchange, how much or little you want to spend on each other (or whether you want to have a fancy date instead of gifts) -- although it may seem awkward to discuss, guarantees far less than the awkwardness of any of the above. Gift expectations (or lack thereof) can be a major landmine in relationships, long-term and new alike. Talking about it beforehand, especially in a new romance, can be a fun "get to know you" conversation as well as an extremely useful and healthy building block for whatever future the relationship may hold. And when we're cultivating a new relationship after working hard to bounce back from the old one, healthy, solid building blocks are very welcome.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bounceback.com, where I'm the dating expert, as well as on Yahoo! Shine.

Dating Dish: Dateless to the Office Holiday Party?

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

Dateless to the Office Holiday Party?