5 Party Mingling Don'ts

Parties, depending on how social we're feeling on a particular day, are either something to be looked forward to and enjoyed with a "Best. Night. Ever" fervor, or are social nightmares to be dreaded and may cause psychosomatic flu-like symptoms hours before the event, keeping us (happily) contained to our couches watching re-runs of Sex and the City. No matter where we fall on this scale, we all have good days and bad days. After attending a party a couple weeks ago where all of the following five "don'ts" occurred more than once, here are some basic tips to (hopefully) make the upcoming party season as un-nightmarish and "Best. Night. Ever," as possible.

1) Avoid being a personal space invader. Sometimes, when we're in a small space with a lot of people, it's impossible not to get too close -- and that's fine. The forced invasion of personal space even provides something to joke and laugh about. But when there's plenty of room and someone gets thisclose (and they're not your best friend or significant other), it's very uncool. Culturally, personal space can vary, but a good rule of thumb is between a two and three feet away when you're having a conversation with someone at a party.

2) Don't be "That Girl/Guy" at the party. Whether it be alcohol or something more in the illegal realm, getting wasted to the point of blacking out or being out of control is rarely cool, especially when the person in question keeps swearing that they're not, in fact, over their limit.

3) Don't be a conversation hogger. Meeting new people is one of the best things about attending a party. Sometimes you can walk away with a new BFF, date and/or a giant pile of warm fuzzy feelings from an enjoyable night with awesome people. And sometimes, you can get stuck in a truly cringe-inducing conversation, where the other person is talking just to hear the sound of their own voice and although is asking you questions, isn't listening to a word you say. Nothing kills a conversation faster than having the person you're talking to ask you the same question multiple times because they weren't paying attention.

4) Avoid double dipping in mixed company. Going for the hummus, guacamole or delicious seven layered bean dip with the chip you just took a bite out of may be cool around your closest pals, but doing it at a party where you don't know everyone is not advised, for obvious reasons.

5) Don't gossip. Parties are great places for overhearing (read eavesdropping), and when you don't know everyone there, it's waaaaay to easy to get caught saying something you probably shouldn't be saying and having the person you're discussing find out. It's also a good idea to keep your (negative) opinions about the other party-goers to yourself -- you never know who might know the person you're talking about. Sticking to the old "Don't say anything if you don't have something nice to say," is a solid plan.

Potholes like the above are easy to avoid once we're aware of them (or have been guilty of them and felt moronic enough afterwards to avoid repeating the mistake). Even on those shy or "I don't want to go out" days, pulling together a good attitude about party-going and being social will make a huge difference as to whether or not the experience will rock . Parties are fantastic places to meet new people, make new connections and have a great time -- especially if we're enjoying the single life. Every cool new person we meet is going to know other cool people they can introduce us to, drastically widening our social circles and hugely upping the odds of finding our next date.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

365/24/7 Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday, as it is for a lot of people. Besides the spooky factor, the candy and the ubiquitous availability of pumpkin lattes, it’s a night (or day, or weekend) that gives us all a pass to be anyone we want. We can show off our cleverness with a costume that makes everyone around us think “Why didn’t I think of that?” and we have full freedom to insert “Slutty” in front of almost any costume, wear as little as possible and get away with it, because it’s not only expected — it’s welcomed and applauded.

Why don’t we do this more often?

This freedom feels fantastic, and I think the vast majority of us would agree that that’s why Halloween rocks. But why should we only get to take a hit of it one or two nights a year (like this year -- yeah!)? This post serves as a call to happiness to encourage us to have costume parties year-round; to remember that being ourselves (whether that self channels Slutty Red-Riding Hood, Donatello the TMNT or The Situation) is something we should focus on, nurture and fully enjoy; and to live in a constant state of non-judgment — is there a non-judgier night than Halloween?

Yours in preserving the trick or treat spirit, S 

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

(Image by greyloch)

Another 5 Don'ts for the First Date After Divorce

Divorce sucks. Even if it's ultra-friendly and mutual, it's still a situation we wouldn't wish on our most memorable high-school nemesis. There are all sorts of feelings we have to deal with afterwards: grief, frustration, low-self esteem, guilt, confusion, anger (plus about a hundred more over the course of recovery! When we're healed enough to dive back into the dating scene, a lot of those feelings still linger, and because the first date back and the process of getting to know new people in a romantic setting is part of bouncing back, it can be a very bumpy road. In a series of fifteen tips on how to deal with the First Date, here are the last five Don'ts to help keep that road as smooth as possible.

1) Don't stress if you find yourself acting totally weird. Be honest and laugh it off: "I'm sorry -- that was weird. I just started dating again after my divorce last year, and I'm afraid I'm a little nervous." Laying your cards out on the table can often release tension and make the night fun. Although it's perhaps not ideal to announce you're freshly divorced (your date may wonder if they're a rebound), letting them know you're nervous is flattering for them, and unless they're really not feeling it, being honest and making yourself a bit vulnerable by revealing what's really going on will definitely break the ice. Note: Make sure the conversation steers away from divorce and your past relationship after your explanation -- a simple "It just wasn't meant to be" will suffice if they ask what happened.

2) Even after all the mental pep-talks, you're still freaking out. Don't worry. If small talk makes you sweat and you feel like you're not going to have anything to say, prepare ahead of time. Sit down the day or week before and make an exhaustive list of everything you can think of that's interesting to you: places you've visited, things you're interested in (art, wine, cars, design, sports, etc.), your dreams, your job, your kids; and then make a cheat sheet to put in your pocket or purse. If, halfway through the date, you find yourself struggling for things to talk about, go to the bathroom and look at your list. Hopefully it will refresh your memory and give you conversational fodder for at least another 30 minutes.

3) Don't freak out if you clam up and can't think of anything to say. Instead, listen to your date talk. People LOVE to be listened to -- it's flattering to have that much attention paid to you. If you're just not feeling like talking (because you're nervous or you need a bit more time to get out of your shell), be the question instigator instead of the person on the receiving end. By asking interesting, open-ended questions (What's your dream vacation? Where would you most want to live if you could live anywhere? Dream job?), you can keep up the listening for quite a while, which will hopefully be enough time for you to get comfortable.

4) Don't stick around if there's no connection. It's OK to bail. There's no law that says you need to suffer through three hours of an awful date. It's a great idea to make the first part of the date drinks or coffee-based (which should take about 20 minutes if it's bad, and however long you want if it's good), and then only suggest dinner if things go well. That way, if things suck and you're just not feeling it, you can bail after the drinks (by saying you have other plans) and your date is none the wiser.

5) Don't overdo it on the Pinot Noir. It can be very tempting to imbibe more than usual in a potentially uncomfortable situation (like a first date after a disastrous break-up.) However, drinking to the point of lowered inhibitions seldom turns out as well as we would hope. Drinking heavily has the nasty side effect of magnifying whatever emotions we were feeling before we had one too many, and when we're in a situation where emotions are high, this can be a recipe for disaster (venting about your ex to your unsuspecting first date is not advised). Know your limit and take care not to overdo it (as tempting as the liquid courage may be.)

Because the First Date is a natural part of the healing and bouncing back process, it's a good time to be a little selfish and focus on you -- how you're feeling, whether or not you're ready, and if this is what you want to be doing right now. There's no "right time" or "should" in bouncing back from divorce. It's an at-your-own-pace sort of situation. The First Date is pretty much always going to be a little scary, a lot nerve-wracking and somewhat bumpy, so take your time, enjoy the ride and don't worry if a break is needed every now and again to take stock and figure out if you're still on the right road.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Flying Solo = Win

Think about the last time you fell into one of those random but awesome conversations with someone: maybe it was at the coffee shop, the bookstore, at the farmer’s market or at happy hour. Chances are good that both you and the random-conversation-someone were both cruising solo (or at least were temporarily separated from your respective groups.)

This is because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to talk to people when they’re not surrounded by a huge group of their fifteen closest friends (or even just plus one or two). And while your new crush hanging in a large group is not an insurmountable challenge, it’s a hell of lot easier to engineer a “random” conversation with them when they’re separated or are by themselves. Conversation itself is a lot less intimidating when it’s one on one, versus trying to engage two or three or ten other people at the same time, and most of us are far more comfortable with random conversation with attractive people we don’t know when there’s just one of them.

So, in the interest of making it easier for those who may want to talk to you, consider flying solo the next time you want to be out and about. Or, if that seems totally crazy, separate yourself from the peeps for a while the next time you’re out with them and give the 98% of the population who shudders at the thought of approaching a large group a chance to talk to you. Friends rock for lots of reasons, but can unfortunately act as a giant deflector shield when there’s someone cute who wants to talk to you.

Coffee shops, bookstores, farmer’s markets, happy hours, concerts, festivals — all are great places to meet cool people without deviating from your normal going-out patterns. And snagging another microbrew, latte or giving in to your truly epic need to continue the search for the perfect kumquat are all great excuses to be on your own for a bit (and make yourself available to awesome conversation with attractive people you don’t know yet).

Yours in random awesomeness, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

(Image by: John Althouse Cohen)

Dating Dish: Don't Wait, Initiate - How to Make the First Move

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!

Don't Wait, Initiate - How to Make the First Move

Why Coffee Shops Rock

I have a theory: Coffee shops may be the new bars, in terms of finding your next date. My job requires me to write for several hours a day, and so coffee shops are my office. There are lots of others who also call my office their office, both during the daylight hours and at night. My favorite coffee shop has several community tables, and conversation abounds when we get bored (which happens quite frequently). Because we’re all usually by ourselves, it’s ridiculously easy to start (or join in) a conversation with those in the vicinity, also clicking away at their variously branded laptops. Even on those days when I’m occupying my own table, there are always people within two or three feet of me at other tables, so it’s an equally talkative situation.

The conversations are random, and usually quite entertaining. Today, for example, I got into a conversation about the merits of pedicures with two guys, one of whom swore by the weekly pedicure as the most relaxing two hours he spends every week and was trying to convince his (doubtful) friend to jump on the bandwagon. I want to know where he’s getting a two-hour pedicure, and also am now very curious about what percentage of the male population has their feet groomed on a semi-regular basis. Entertaining, interesting and random = awesome.

Everyone is friendly, and because coffee shops are not (yet) labeled as meat markets where we actively troll for dates, people are open to conversation and usually quite happy to talk. Friendly atmospheres are conducive to making connections more than sexy atmospheres, because there’s no pressure — after all, we’re not immediately judging one another by how hot we find the other person, but rather by what they say and how we interact. This is so much easier, comfortable and less intense than trying to talk to people in bars. There’s no need for elaborate pick-up techniques in coffee shops either — complimenting someone on their choice of witty t-shirt is more than enough to start a fun conversation. Win.

While I’m on the subject, I do have one minor question to throw out into the universe about the ambient temperatures of coffee shops across the world: I know that some coffee places don’t enjoy us freelancers hogging their tables all day (and I try to be sensitive to the vibe of a place before I settle in for a few hours), but is it really necessary to keep the interior temperature at an icy 60-65 F? My hands are turning blue as I write this…

Yours in rice milk chai lattes, the occasional americano and witty conversation, S

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

Photo Credit: Ballistik Coffee Boy

Anniversary Determination

For the coupled up who aren’t married, what event marks the beginning of our relationships (and the date of which determines our anniversaries)? Is it the first date? The first sexual encounter? The DTR talk ? The first “I love you” day? If you were friends or knew each other for a period of time before you actually started dating, do you count your anniversary as the day you met, especially if sparks flew and you knew you liked that person, even if circumstances prevented you from making a move? Is it the day you first hooked up? The first official romantic, non-friend date? The day you admit your feelings for each other? 

In my informal conversations with people, it appears that the most common way the anniversary date is determined is to retroactively use the date of the first romantic date, after the DTR has occurred. This makes sense: if you were to use the first date as the anniversary marker prior to any DTRing, the chances of totally freaking out your date by celebrating your “anniversary” of your “relationship” with them are pretty high. After all, I think most would agree that anniversary (in a romantic situation), implies that both parties are fully aware of what’s being celebrated — when it’s one-sided, it’s obsession or stalking.


Another benefit of using the first date (retroactively) as the determination of the anniversary, assuming the DTR happens about three weeks to a month into dating, is that you automatically get to add a month or so to your coupledom. This gives you street cred with other couples and at parties, since the question of “How long have you guys been together” is always one of the first things asked, is one of those questions we use to measure each other up when we’re getting to know one another and the answer to which lets the questioning party assume volumes about you: how solid are you as a couple, how well do you know each other, how serious it is and, how likely it is to last.


In the beginning of a relationship, each month together marks an exciting milestone and an accomplishment, since so many things fizzle after just a short time. Recognizing each month you still like each other and want to be together is a big deal and is cause for celebration, whatever event you choose to mark the beginning. 

Yours in anniversarating, S


Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes), where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.

Credits: Image by istolethetv

Dating Dish: You Don't Need a Plus One to Have Fun

This is the next installment of my monthly column, Dating Dish, for Girl Power Hour. Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy. Enjoy!


You Don't Need a Plus One to Have Fun

It's National Singles' Week...and Being Single Rocks

(As published on Yahoo! Shine on September 20th, 2010.)

This week is National Singles' Week, and when you're recovering from a relationship breakup, no matter if it happened two weeks or two years ago, it's really important to be single for a while and get to know this new you. Each time we have a relationship and open our hearts to someone else (freakish pinky toes and all), we grow as people and hopefully learn a bit more about ourselves. Each relationship is different, so while it's unlikely the lessons we took away from our last relationship will directly apply to the next one, a lifetime of loving, losing and moving on are all integral parts of life and our development as people.

So, when we're in the recovery phase (past the pity parties, but not quite ready to open up again), it's a wonderful opportunity to have an absolutely fabulous time and enjoy the hell out of life. Whether we're flying solo by way of the road of recovery from a break-up, or just haven't met someone special enough to merit coupledom yet, when we find ourselves in the glorious land of singledom, it is a time to be cherished, savored and enjoyed. Here are ten reasons why being unattached rocks.

1) More free time. New relationships are a major time-suck. Hobbies, laundry, working out and the gloriousness of having a whole afternoon ahead of you with no plans beyond lazing around with your dog at the park with a good book can often be overlooked.

2) You get to fall in love again! There is nothing like falling in love -- it's fun, exciting and makes you feel like you've got a sunbeam filled with rainbows, unicorns and butterflies following you around everyday. When you're single, each new person you meet is has potential to be the next person you fall in love with. How exciting is that?

3) Your time is yours. When you're part of a couple, it's considerate and pretty normal to check in with your significant other to see what they're doing and if they want to join you in what you're planning on doing. When you're single, you're free to do what you want, when you want and how you want, without any need to run your plans by anyone else.

4) You can be weird and no one knows about it. We all have little weird behaviors that make us happy that we mostly likely put a lid on when we're around other people. Feel like letting your mild OCD run rampant as you alphabetize your bookshelf? Love spending three hours trying on make-up and experimenting? Want to dance naked around your apartment listening to Lady Gaga? Want to watch 18 episodes in a row of Gossip Girl? Go for it.

5) If you're back to living by yourself, you can decorate according to your tastes alone - there's no need to cooperate, coordinate, consult or compromise with anyone else, which means that paisley print couch you've been keeping in storage for the last five years can make a grand appearance once again.

6) You can vacation wherever you want. Vacationing is one of those things that people have strong preferences on, especially when we only get two weeks off a year. When those preferences don't match up, things can get complicated. When you're single, there's no complication. This is a great time to be selfish and take the vacation you've always wanted. Costa Rica for a week with the college peeps coming right up!

7) You're free to flirt. Let those random conversations with hot strangers turn into a date and see where it goes. Relationships (usually) mean you've made a conscious choice to be with that person and that person alone. That cute someone you see every Saturday morning at yoga is now no longer off limits. Enjoy.

8) You can hang out with your friends more. Truth: being part of a couple means less time for friends. So make up for lost time and start making more awesome memories.

9) Your friends will invite you out more. Single friends are usually more available socially than coupled up ones, so bask in the glory of being everyone's first choice to come hang out and prepare for some amazingly random nights.

10) First dates! First dates have so much potential -- both to go badly and to go well. If they totally bomb and your date is a freak, you've got a great story to tell your friends (who are probably living vicariously through your raging social life), and if the date goes well? Bring on the happy, this-has-potential-butterflies.

There are aspects about both sides -- coupled up or not -- that have pluses and minuses. That said, instead of focusing on what we might not have at the moment or the negatives we may feel about no longer being one half of a couple, focus on all the good things about being single. Enjoy each day as fully as possible, spend a ton of time with great friends, laugh, and rock this period of time when we're completely unattached and free to do what we want. Bouncing back is all about finding happiness in our new lives, and being single, focusing on whatever whim strikes us and enjoying our friends is a major part of that healing process.

Originally published by BounceBack, LLC on www.bouncebacktolife.com, where I'm the dating expert.

Friends First

When trying to figure out if those you meet online, in person and at Jimmy’s rager of a party last weekend are long-term relationship compatible, one question that I think gets overlooked in the “Definitely” vs. “Not sure” debate is whether or not you would be friends with this person if you took away the sexual component of your relationship.

Do they make you laugh? Do they get you? Do you have a good time with them? Are you comfortable around them?Can you talk to them?Do they have your back?

Don’t get me wrong: sexual chemistry is extremely important in a relationship and is something deserving of major consideration when determining compatibility and, if things go well, exclusivity. But having someone to hang with that you dig as a person as well as wanting to rip their clothes off? That’s awesome.

When in the dating game, we’re often faced with so many different packages of personality, looks, likes/dislikes, sense of humor, dreams/goals and hobbies, that it becomes overwhelming. It’s such a challenge to sort through and figure out who, if any, of the people we’re currently dating, hoping to date or looking for are right for us. As a result, we look to sexual chemistry to guide us because it’s easy. You KNOW when you think someone is attractive. It doesn’t require deep, introspective thought. However, great chemistry can be overwhelming, hard to see through and blind us to anything but sex. Plus, finding the perfect person(s) for each one of us is a challenge, and it’s incredibly enriching and a helpful to date people who are not entirely right for us so that we can better figure out what is right for us. We learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and how to navigate a relationship each time we have one.

However, letting our decisions about relationships be guided solely by great chemistry can make it difficult to see the whole picture and, more often than not, if we chase only the sex and don’t think about whether or not the person in question is fun to hang with when we’re not having sex with them, making it long-term can be challenging. My point is that when we’re over being involved in things that don’t work out and we’re serious about searching for our next big relationship, it’s worth it to take a minute and figure out whether or not this person has potential as both a friend and as someone who frequently pushes our sexual chemistry buttons.

Yours in BFFs (with benefits), S

Credits: Image by pedrosimoes7

Originally published on the PickV.com blog (a new dating site that matches people based on music, movies and book likes and dislikes) on September 6, 2010, where I am the weekly love/relationships contributor.